Heavy Crowns & Psychic Chimps: Goodman in King Ralph & Good Golly Miss Molly (1991)

It’s your classic fish out of water story except the fish is anointed monarch of the not-water and Little Richard is involved somehow but he’s not a fish.

A sketch of “Mitzi the Psychic Chimp,” who will steal your job.

“Don’t call me a leading man. This is just another part, with a lot more lines.”

John Goodman still wanted to be considered a character actor, even as he did land his first leading man role in King Ralph (1991).

Loosely adapted from “Headlong,” a novel about a 1930s stage actor who inherits England’s throne when the royal family dies in a blimp explosion, the film follows American lounge singer “Ralph Jones,” who does the same, disastrously.

Even with training from “Sir Cedric” (Peter O’Toole) and “Phipps” (Richard Griffiths), Ralph is fascinatingly bad at being a monarch. It’s a Pygmalion story, but instead of making Audrey Hepburn posh, it’s like teaching a Burger King Whopper whose wish to be a real boy was granted.

Ralph tanks his kinghood further when he dates a shopgirl instead of the Princess he’s engaged to (Joely Richardson).

Dumb Fact: Richard Griffiths is one-degree of separation from a shit-ton of primates in Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

[Note to self: Start asking people to call me Doctor: The Legend of Bill, Lord of John Goodman and an Ape.]

Dumber Fact: Joely Richardson is one-degree from playing a Great Ape zoologist in Return to Me (directed by Goodman-veteran Bonnie Hunt!), and she also starred on Nip/Tuck, where cosmetic surgery was performed…on an Ape.

Dumbest Fact: Don’t laugh, in today’s competitive marketplace if a Gorilla wants to succeed as an influencer she pretty much has to get a BBL.

[Note to Self: Stop pausing on posts with BBL Gorillas, I’m really affecting my algorithm.]

A sketch of King Ralph, who’s such a lousy ruler he couldn’t measure twelve-inches.

This movie has a bogglingly uneven tone.

On the one hand, Ralph’s ugly-American antics as King of England are broad and cartoonish. He’s a desperate, obnoxious ham when he drops his crown in his bathwater, or plays cricket like it’s baseball, or tries to liven up a ball by pounding out “Good Golly Miss Molly” on a harpsichord.

Dumb Fact: Goodman hitting a homer with a cricket bat evokes his next leading man role the following year: the Sultan of Swat, the Colossus of Clout, the Licker of Liquor, G. Herman Ruth.

Dumber Fact: Miss Molly sure likes to ball. And by ball, I mean she’ll make you ting-a-ling-a-ling. And by ting-a-ling-a-ling I mean skeet skeet.

A sketch of Ralph tickling Baroque ivories with a song about tickling Molly’s naughty parts.

On the other hand, the film is chock-full of crass sex jokes. Ralph meets his love interest at her side-gig as a stripper in a burlesque show. He tells another king the important question about a car is “will this get me laid?” When Ralph speaks with his Princess fiancé, she wants him to bend her over and tie her up with strings of pearls.

Dumb Fact: Though opulent, strings of pearls are a tad flimsy for proper bondage. May I suggest medieval wall tapestries as an alternative? The warp threads are surprisingly rugged and comfy.

Of course, the Princess’ kink does give us the funniest line of the picture, when Ralph’s asked how their conversation went:

“Great. We have nothing in common, and she’s got a voice like a tuba. If she had her way, we’d have sex on a bed of nails on national television, but at least the party stinks.”

Goodman’s deadpan delivery of the above is a delight, and it’s the only moment that’s genuinely suited to his comedic strengths. If only the movie chose that clever, quietly exasperated tone rather than the fluctuating childish/vulgar one it landed on.

A sketch of a King demoted to Duke dressed like a different Duke singing a song about the Duke (not that Duke, it’s the other Duke, the song Duke). Duke.

The film wraps up as Ralph abdicates to his (SPOILER) secret-relative Sir Cedric, gets knighted as a Duke, and records the song “Duke of Earl” in his private studio on his new palatial estate. He makes out like a bandit with all of the wealth and none of the responsibility.

Americans, amirite?

Dumb Fact: This isn’t the first time Goodman and “Duke of Earl” have crossed paths. The song played when he was introduced in The Wrong Guys as the character “Duke Earle.”

First Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” shows up twice, and now double “Duke of Earl.” If either appears a third time in a Goodman joint we’ve got us the makings of a conspiracy theory.

[Note to Self: begin research for my new podcast: “Crazy Duke Truth: Music, Madness, and an Ape”]

The titular question remains: IS APE?

Yessireeralph!

Ralph is first informed of his kinghood in his Vegas dressing room, which he shares with “Mitzi the Psychic Chimp”!!!!!

Ralph is fired, Mitzi is given his performing slot, and Ralph says to her in disgust “You little backstabbing bitch.”

Again, we’re presented with an adorable Chimp in cute overalls, but the leading man calls her a bitch? Who the hell is this movie for?

Regardless, we have encountered a FIRST in our dumb journey: an actual flesh-and-blood Ape in the same frame as John Goodman.

Truly, it is John Goodman and an Ape.

Pardon me while I wipe this joyous tear from my eye.

A sketch of The King of Rock and Roll alongside The King of Ralph.

A limited-release soundtrack album was used to promote King Ralph, including songs sung by Goodman in the film. And, to accompany the Little Richard track used over the end credits, there was a promotional music video:

Goodman-as-Ralph strides down a hallway in royal adornment and tells a guy “I’m the King,” only to be told “No, dude. He’s the King.”

Immediately, Little Richard Penniman starts wailing on “Good Golly, Miss Molly.” Clips from the movie are interspersed with footage of Goodman and Richard rocking on a piano, carrying-on in a movie theatre, and generally dancing around and having a ball.

Not a Miss Molly ball, it’s the other ball, being ballers but no baring of balls.

Balls out, not balls out.

You get it.

Balls.

Dumb Fact: This appears to be the second time Goodman’s featured on both soundtrack and music video (after True Stories/“Wild Wild Life”), and third time overall he sang on a soundtrack (including Big River).

Dumber Fact: Actually, this isn’t dumb at all, it’s just a fact: Little Richard is the King of Rock ’n’ Roll.

It’s clear the video’s budget was in the $1.25 to $1.50 range, but it’s also really damn cool that these two icons got to pal-around and support each other’s art.

The time has come to say “bye-bye” to Ralph, “so-long” to Miss Molly, and “my safe word is ‘marmoset’” to the Princess.

The next Goodman joint we’ll study on our silly-simian-safari comes from the Coen Bros, and represents his most dramatically disturbing role yet.

Get ready to go from “heavy is the head that wears the crown” to “heavy is the head that’s in a box.”

Ape Allusions: 9

Actual Apes: Now 1

Total Running Ape Count: Now 10!

[Note to Self: Find out where I can buy Mitzi’s overalls in adult human size. Order multiple pairs for business and casual wear. Prepare myself mentally for all the compliments.]

A sketch of the coolest overalls ever made.