family?

family huh , whenever we hear this word what kind of feeling come in our minds love ? not for everyone for some people it symbolises hate , aggression , fear and fobia and many more …. i gets jealous whenever i see a healthy family i see how they are respectful and loving with each other … i still remember how one night i was eating in a party and a family sitting beside me were just having fun time with each other and i stood up midway and went to that dirty toilet just to cry ? overreaction right? i was only 14 …. i still thinks what it feels like to be excited about sundays when all of your family members will be together … sundays haunts me but until when i was only 15 ..after that my mother got her job and their holidays were on different days i felt relieved atleast ….. i never felt connected to anyone beside all the birds i have saved ….. people having no parents often gets more sympathy i feel … but having one but feeling they died is same or worse i can say …. and when i say these line i mean it you don't know how it feels to have panic attacks even when they start having a normal arguement …. you don't know the feeling of how you know both are cheating on each other but never gets seperated ….. they oftenly come at me individually and bitch about each other .. but they never ask me what my life is like? ….. i dont blame them i deserve … i feel like a burden to them i got admission in an expensive degree and also asked for laptop … i can't even die because what if i will survive what will happen to me what will happen to the dreams which i dream of ….. my friends also .. let me correct my only friends are also tired of me ….. they said i am selfish but ….anyways i think i deserve all of this suffering and i hope one day i will be living alone wake up without having any kind of panic attack.. and NOT have a FAMILY~