I Finally Understood Why Success Was Never Enough

The surprising reason achievements can’t silence our doubts

https://www.pexels.com/photo/grayscale-photography-of-chessboard-game-957312/

I’ve been training as an athlete for years now, and every time I win a medal, I always find myself questioning whether I belong in the category I fought in, or downplaying my achievements whenever someone congratulates me. It feels safer.

Success is measured by how good you are at life, and frankly, finding my place in society has always been a challenge.

The idea of being at the top with all the gawking eyes on me unsettles me sometimes. Personally, I find it more comfortable to be in the average range because then there’s nothing people can take advantage of. Having nothing to lose does indeed bring the illusion of freedom.

I crave victory more than the feeling of being average could ever satisfy. So I’m always stuck in a position where I find I’m losing, even if I come out on top.

It’s an endless loop of questioning my achievements or knowing I could’ve done better.

During my time in high school, which ended two weeks ago, I talked to a mentor, and she finally gave everything I was feeling a label.

Impostor syndrome.

My version of impostor syndrome is standing on the podium and still looking upward, searching for purpose beyond the small box we call Earth. Eventually, I realised that even first place would never be enough.

At first, I was skeptical because I heard the word “impostor,” and immediately my mind went to the video game Among Us, where the impostor must kill all the crewmates to survive. However, after reflecting, I realized I often feel this for my presence to be valued, I have to come out on top, even if that requires defeating my opponent who has much more to lose.

It is considered acceptable for humans to crave the title of “first place.” I mean, it is in our nature. For centuries, humans have competed and fought tooth and nail to survive and multiply. Our species has evolved because we outperformed those who came before us, not that being superior means we deserve more or less respect.

Using this knowledge, I gaslight myself into thinking that whatever I am feeling is okay.

However, it’s also okay to accept that I need time to become the best version of myself. After talking to the kind mentor who labelled my emotions as a case of the classic “impostor syndrome,” I realized I don’t need to win. I need to feel like I belong.

To feel like I belong, I recognized that I need to find a community.

Since this new revelation, I swore to myself that every time I enter a new environment, whether it be college or my next championship, I will first scan the crowd and find someone I can lean on before even setting my eyes on the prize.

That way, instead of being the impostor, I can be the crewmate!

crafted by yours truly, zara