you are a mosaic of everyone you’ve ever loved

… i hate you because i don’t hate you

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I remember the first time I heard that quote. It has stayed with me ever since.

I think about all the silly phrases my friends and I now share, and the way we gasp for air between fits of laughter when someone blurts it out.

I still buy that same perfume because it was your favourite, and so it became my favourite too. I listen to that same song a friend years ago played me as we were sitting in History class together sharing a set of earphones. I keep the same hair conditioner another friend showed me because she wanted to see my curls flourish and not lie flat like they always used too.

Even if we don’t remain together forever, even if we ended on horrible terms and will never be able to sit in the same room, a piece of them will always remain with me. Whether it’s a scent, an anecdote, a show, a food, a place, a song. If I have ever loved you, I will carry you always.

As beautiful and sentimental as that sometimes seems, nostalgia will be the death of me.

Sometimes to truly care for someone, and care for yourself, you must find a way to let them go.

But you’re different.

A while ago, I came across another quote.

“To reconnect with the person that hurts you, is disrespectful to the version of you that suffers”.

I will never watch the movie you showed me again. I will never go back to that restaurant. I hate my favourite food. I don’t like that song anymore.

I am clawing at my skin to get rid of this mosaic you have etched into my body, but each time I wake up I see it glimmering again. I try to grapple with my mind, fighting to understand why yours is gone but mine isn’t. How easy was it for you to walk away? Did I even make a dent when you outgrew me?

So, while I’m standing on the shore, the mosaic you’ve created glistens like a stained-glass window of a church. I’m squinting, yet I still can’t see you. There’s no light, no glisten, no proof you were ever even there. The sun’s still shining, yet I see nothing but darkness.

• quote from @ks44 on tiktok!