Got a Right to Be Bitter?

Join the club

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/portrait-photo-of-angry-woman-3769703/

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15, NIV)

An honest assessment

The world can be divided into two categories: people who confess to being bitter and repent, and people who make excuses for their resentment.

Friends of mine got a divorce about 10 years ago. He was a cheater. I was going to say that he loved women, but the truth is, he loved sex. Early in their marriage, he began to visit strip clubs, then massage parlors. With the advent of the internet, he started to hook up with other women.

There was no pretense to the relationships he had. These ladies didn’t need to be wooed by friendly conversation or impressed with financial status. They required no pledge of exclusivity.

Part of the tragedy was that he was a pastor. Not the pastor of a liberal church, but one that preached the Word straight and clear. Week after week, he boldly and systematically told his congregation what God expects from those who love Him.

At first, she denied all the signs of his secret sins. Then one day, he told her he was leaving her for a woman he met in one of the places of ill repute he had been frequenting. His bags were packed, and he was going to run off with the object of his infatuation.

When he confessed his love to this other woman, the lady said, “Oh, no. This isn’t love. I talk like that to all my clients. Go home to your wife and kids.”

Temporarily disillusioned, he reconciled with his wife, but soon returned to his life of lust. It probably wouldn’t shock you to hear that he wasn’t very nice to his mate. He lost his career and marriage at about the same time, as his activities became known.

“you may be sure that your sin will find you out.” (Numbers 32:23, NIV)

It surprised me how casually he could talk about his activities with me, a fellow pastor. He was very matter-of-fact about it and was taken aback when I told him he’d need to surrender his ministry credentials. In his mind, his ministry and his sexual pursuits were mutually exclusive.

There’s no need for you to rebuke me in your comments; I know he’s not alone in his opinion.

The reason I’ve shared their story with you is because of his wife’s behavior following the divorce. She never bad-mouthed him to her kids or tried to keep them away from him. He was a naturally poor father, but there were times he wanted to see them.

She didn’t bar him from any of the family functions or celebrations. She even allowed him to share the driving on a long road trip to visit extended family.

Out of profound curiosity, I had to ask her how she was able to be so composed around him. She said, “Pastor, there have been times when I wanted him to suffer for the pain and shame he put me through. The truth is, I still have those moments. But I know that bitterness wants to consume me. I made a decision not to be a bitter person, and the only way to combat that is to walk in forgiveness.”

I believed what she said to be the truth and have preached it myself, but I never saw it so graphically lived out in a person’s life as she had.

She was the victim, but didn’t allow that to give her an excuse to nurse roots of bitterness in her heart. It required daily weeding to keep the garden of her heart clean. The enemy of her soul fed her a constant diet of reasons to do otherwise. She has stayed the course.

If you are bitter, even for a very good reason, lay your bitterness down at the cross. Forgive those who have wronged you and receive forgiveness yourself.

Early intervention

I pulled a walnut tree out of the ground today, roots and all. It is pictured below. The reason I was able to pluck it out of our yard is that it was large enough to be evident, yet young enough that the roots hadn’t grown very far.

Walnut tree, photo mine

Bitterness can hide for a while, even from its host. As we examine our hearts, everything looks to be in order. Then one day, we’re surprised by something we said, or how strongly we reacted to an innocent trigger. We become aware that we’re not as healthy inside as we thought we were.

That’s the time to confess your wound, your hurt, and your attitude to God and ask for His help. Usually, forgiveness is a process. It begins with a decision, but the healing comes in layers.

Too many of us are fine with just snapping off the top of the weed, the part that is visible to others. We become careful about what we say to whom. We paste a smile on our face and talk like everything is fine.

Enlist God’s help in finding and removing those nasty weeds of bitterness. You didn’t plant them, but they won’t be extracted without your help.

Having a good reason to be bitter doesn’t give you the right to be bitter. When you become a child of God, you give up the right to harbor resentment.

God makes it clear that if we want to receive forgiveness, we need to give it freely to all who have hurt us (Matthew 5:7; 18:35). Surrender your bitter roots before they choke the life out of you.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15, NIV)