Photo by Nan Zhou on Unsplash

The Mother Who Lost Her Pink

10th May,2022, I was lying on the labour bed, and little did I know, being a first-time mom, that this moment was the moment where a woman fights between life and death. It amused me to see how my body just did this miracle, the one that I wanted to experience, witness, and feel, but I still do not believe it, as someone like me who jumps upon a slight cut from a sharp edge just pulled out a 6 kg human outside myself. And right after my Hebamme ( nurse) put my baby on my shoulder, he opened his eyes, and our eyes met for the first time.

I vividly remember the Hebamme softly whispering, “Do you know what day it is today?” I said, “No, I guess the 10th of May?” She said, “ Ja, heute ist Muttertag.” ( Today is Mother's Day.) And 10th May just became more special for me than ever because I know I was gifted with a priceless and the most precious gift that I could ever ask from my Lord.

But what happened next? something that I didn't understand, neither did my husband, being first-time parents in a different country with no family around can be a lot….. ALOT!

While we were growing as parents with every single day, something in me was just weird. A feeling that I could not explain, or express, not to my husband in fear of being judged, because well, I am a mom now, and moms don't feel like this, right?

Everyone was asking and coming in for the baby. Suddenly, everything about me was not about me anymore; suddenly, everything started revolving around the baby, suddenly everything changed, and suddenly I started feeling unseen and unheard.

But this just didn't end here, this was only the beginning, no, it's not like I didn't talk about it, I talked about it, but I got a generic advice that runs since generations, the worst of worst advice or comment,” It’s okay to feel like this, it happens, every woman goes through it, it’s natural!”

These lines come from our womenhood that we look upon and trust, our mothers, sisters, mothers-in-law, grandmothers, their mothers, and so on… But my question was still there, “ Why am I feeling like this?” and “Why is talking about it going unbothered?” “ Why is everyone telling me that it’s OK when I do not feel OK at all?”

Nobody had an answer to this.

Unless one fine afternoon, we had an unexpected guest at our door, our friends who came to visit us from an 8-hour-long drive, but no one was surprised except ME! Who almost forgot that we had guests coming over today, while I was wondering why my husband was making his favourite baked chicken and marinating it so early today, I absolutely forgot, and to date, I can not remember the moment I was informed about it.

Right after 3 days, I just paid my grocery bill with my card and left it right there, and forgot it at the counter, without having anything to remember about it. Of course, I ordered a new card, but not once, thrice. Wondering why? Because I forgot or left my card 3 times without realising it.

While everyone was adoring the baby, I felt completely lost and anxious, not because I was only sleep-deprived, but because the amount of sleep I was getting for a few hours was being interrupted by nightmares. Not regular nightmares, but nightmares like completely forgetting that I have a baby in the pram, checking out of the grocery stores, leaving my pram and child behind, forgetting the pram in the bus, my baby falling down my arms, and the worst, my baby falling down the bed! I would wake up with sweat all over me, or I would just try to stay awake as much as I could. My relationship? All of my relationships were taking a heavy TOLL!

But also during the same time, I started what I had long lost during the chaos of life, my lost love, writing. While getting back on writing, I started writing small stories on Medium, and slowly, something in me started to heal. I found myself again. Things got better not immediately, but I started to accept myself as I was, I but looking at the pages from the past, I soaked in the present, I embraced the sleepless nights, the waiting laundry and the dishes, and thought IT IS OKAY but mostl importantly, I also accepted my brain fog, I let off go things, I stopped being bothered by things that were none of my business really. I slowed down in life, and I have no regrets because for my baby boy, I was the whole UNIVERSE.

To all the mommies, being a mom is not easy, so go easy on yourself, your hormones will flip like anything, your body goes through so much, your sleep and mental health go through a rush that we do not even realise ourselves what is happening to us, but at the end of the day, the only therapist you really need is yourself. At the time, when I thought it was dark, I opened a door of light for MYSELF! You need to open for one yourself, too, and just do what you love, what heals you, even if it’s just grabbing an overpriced coffee with your stroller, DO IT!

Have you ever seen white flamingoes? If you come across one, remember, the flamingoes were once pink, but when they gave birth, they lost all their pink to nurture the little ones. The crop milk of flamingoes carries the carotenoid pigments that flamingoes get through their diet, but while they care and nurture for their babies, they lose it all. As the babies grow up and become independent enough, the Flamingoes get their pink back.

Isn’t it just so beautiful? This quietly speaks how mothers lose themselves to nurture those tiny feet and hands to independent, strong humans, but this never remains forever; one day the PINK will come back!

xoxo

from a mom to another mom who lost her pink..