The Avoidant Yearner

I spent the better part of the first half of this year extremely avoidant in love and romance, (not intentionally, obviously). Here’s why:

• My life had actually fallen apart. I was jobless and coming out of a year of employment at the most toxic workplace on earth, my car had broken down and I had no means to fix it, I was barely able to afford to feed myself let alone my cat, and every genuine effort I put towards a better life ended up being futile.
• My mental health was falling apart, and mixed with preexisting life and dating traumas/fears, depression took its heavy toll for a long while. I’ve been significantly hurt in the past, like the lot of us, and still carry some of those fears today.

Here’s the true problem with all of this:

• I shouldn’t have been dating in the first place. Not ‘maybe’. Not ‘probably not’. I shouldn’t have. Doing so was extremely selfish... here’s why:

I expected to be shown a deeper love when I couldn’t even show it to myself, let alone reciprocate it. I expected care, but you can’t see or feel or assist a ghost. And that’s what I was, a ghost. A ghost that needed love, for sure; just not romantic love. Avoidance and romance don’t mix. It is not fair to expect others to sit around and wait while you figure yourself out. Suddenly, I truly understood what “come healed” meant, with a kind of finality that was almost... embarrassing.

I was truly avoidant.

And here are the results:

• I fumbled every semblance of real love that was sent my way. Relationships that otherwise may have thrived ended up falling into nothing, and rather quickly. People don’t like being sent off, and I did a lot of that, constantly rescheduling or canceling plans due to the unrelenting anxiety I was going through. To date, you have to show up – you must make your partner feel seen.
• I went through an existential period of dire embarrassment. On top of the healing that I was already trying to do, I now had a completely new problem to assess and conquer- my undying yearning for love, whether it was healthy or not. It was time for me to conquer loneliness during one of the hardest periods of my life. If I’d waited until my initial healing period was done, I could have avoided the embarrassment of being avoidant. Don’t you just love irony?
• I began to build the reputation of “flighty”. Eventually, others expected me not to be there. This goes for friends as well, as they’ve been with me since my first avoidant phase in childhood (I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while). I realized how blessed I was to still have my friends, as potential lovers continuously fell away. Tack on even more embarrassment. People who are truly looking for love don’t have the time to wait around on a broken heart (said with love).
• A pattern of hyper independence began to come to my attention. Though people were certainly offering their help whenever I’d succumb and tell them why I’d been so avoidant, I began to notice how deeply my refusal ran. I learned that I’d rather run and hide until I’d figured it out than lean on anyone that was supposed to see me as desirable and strong, especially in the beginning stages. Again, the very reason to not date until your view of self is healed.

Once I took all of these lessons into account, the healing became easier. The first step is accepting the fact that you are avoidant, then putting in the work to figure out why. I took a step back from dating, still am currently, and have been putting all of my attention into myself rather than constantly creating plans and trying to uphold promises that aren’t realistically aligned with my mental state. I’ve put more intention into showing up to simpler plans and places with my friends, beginning with what I know and leaning into the comfortability of it. I’ve been focused on routine, work, art, and all of the things that, at the beginning of this year, were practically nonexistent due to my circumstances. One day I’ll date again, but for now I’m OK dating myself.

Don’t get me wrong, all of this is much easier said than done. Social media makes being avoidant especially hard, because we post about it like it’s a true crime... seems to be a trend these days, actually. The people that have no problem showing up are done, and are villainizing those that are struggling, and rightfully so, (please refer to the “don’t date while avoidant” parts). But if you fall under the category of avoidant, hear this!

Don’t listen to the hype. Just heal. This is a fixable phase that you shouldn’t judge yourself through, and you especially shouldn’t let strangers on the internet do it!

Just... focus... on... healing.