Codependency with a Human Face

The price of fitting into “We” and why individual growth becomes suffocating in a blended union.

If Romeo and Juliet had survived, the treasury of world literary masterpieces would have been enriched by a novel about codependency.

When “we” begins to sprout in a romantic relationship, the all-consuming interpenetration of partners is completely justified. Moreover, it is romanticized and has even received a kind of indulgence for existence in many cultures.

First, it’s beautiful. Second, it’s temporary.

And most importantly, in the fusion of lovers’ bodies and souls, a test drive of the touchpoints of potential life partners takes place. In a highly concentrated mode, of course, but “we” is at stake. Only in such extreme conditions of exaggerated dissolution in each other can one feel (and later realize) how “I” will feel in this union.

The Autonomy of the “I”

In Gestalt therapy, the question of the autonomy of one’s own “I” is the cornerstone of many problems. For example, the blurriness of personal boundaries, the lack of a stable self-image in the world, adaptation to it, and all sorts of other nuances.

Even the famous “Gestalt Prayer” is a kind of existential pill for these problems:

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. (F. Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy)

However, autonomy is not the final point of human and relationship development.

From Dependency to Interdependence

In their book “Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap”, Barry and Janae Weinhold describe four successive stages of relationship development based on the model of relationships with parents.

• Dependency: First, a person is in dependency. For a child, this is a natural stage: they are physically and psychologically dependent on their parents.
• Counter-dependency: Then comes counter-dependency — the “I can do it myself” teenage phase familiar to many. A person pushes away from others, protests, fights for autonomy, and often begins to deny the very need for closeness.
• Independence: The next step is independence, when a person is already able to rely on themselves, make decisions, and bear responsibility for them.
• Interdependence: But maturity, according to the authors, begins even later — at the stage of interdependence. When people remain separate individuals but can voluntarily build closeness, support each other, and need each other without losing their own “I”.

That is why it is crucial not to confuse codependency and interdependence. The first is based on blurred boundaries, fear of loss, and a deficit of one’s own integrity. The second is based on an autonomy that has already taken place.

The Mirage of a “Strong Family”

The definition of codependency sounds somewhat hopeless and leaves practically no chance for romantic relationships at all.

In everyday life, the union of codependent people does not look so frightening and restrictive. On the contrary, in places, it resembles an ordinary strong family.

Codependent relationships flourish on the soil of a deficit of desired qualities in each of the partners. Two people, looking in each other for what they feel they lack in themselves, come together to form one whole personality.

Each of them worries that they are unable to fully realize their potential without the help of the other. And this is precisely what stands in the way of personal growth and development.

The Suffocation of Growth

Perhaps the “personal development” lot is not valuable enough compared to all the benefits of safety, stability, and predictability of such a union of partners.

But over time, its absence for one of the participants (usually the one who is psychologically more mature and more realized in other areas of life) becomes unbearable and suffocating. They grow tired of this far-from-holy union and try to change the state of affairs.

This is another “place to hit your head” if the problem of codependency is underestimated in the context of one’s own personality. A lack of information about the causes, as well as a deficit of psychological support necessary to break this model, usually leads a person to failure.

Even if they manage to break the previous bond, they risk falling into a dependent relationship again.

What to do?

To begin with, it is worth looking at the main characteristics of a codependent personality below.

While reading this list, note those items that apply to you almost always (from the book “Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap” by Barry Weinhold and Janae Weinhold).

If you are codependent, you:

• cannot distinguish your thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others;
• look for attention and approval from others to feel good;
• feel anxiety or guilt when others “have problems”;
• do everything to please others, even when you don’t want to;
• do not know what you want or what you need;
• rely on others to define your desires and needs;
• believe that others know better than you what is good for you;
• get angry or discouraged when things don’t go the way you wanted;
• focus all your energy on other people and their happiness;
• try to prove to others that you are good enough to be loved;
• do not believe that you can take care of yourself;
• idealize others and get disappointed when they don’t live up to your expectations;
• hold grudges to get what you want;
• feel that others do not appreciate or notice you;
• blame yourself when things go wrong;
• think that you are not good enough;
• feel a fear of being rejected by others;
• live as if you are a victim of circumstances;
• are afraid of making mistakes;
• want to be liked more and want others to love you more;
• try not to make demands on others;
• are afraid to express your true feelings for fear of rejection;
• allow others to hurt you without trying to defend yourself;
• do not trust yourself and your decisions;
• experience difficulties when left alone with yourself;
• pretend that you are fine even when you are not;
• constantly find things to do to distract yourself from your thoughts;
• want nothing from anyone;
• see everything in either black or white;
• lie to protect or cover for the people you love;
• believe that being close to other people is difficult;
• are convinced that acting spontaneously and just having fun is hard;
• constantly feel anxiety without understanding why;
• feel an internal compulsion to work, eat, drink, or have sex without pleasure;
• worry that you might be abandoned;
• feel trapped in relationships;
• believe that you need to force, manipulate, or bribe others to get what you want;
• are afraid of your own anger;
• feel powerless to change your situation;
• think that someone else must change first so that you can change.

The First Step

A result of 27–40 points indicates an established model of codependent behavior, rather than just periodic reactions.

This requires honesty and courage — to admit that a problem exists which you cannot yet solve with your own resources. This is the first and very important step on the way to liberating your “I” from the nets of codependent relationships.

And then — personal therapy.

It is necessary to learn to notice the symptoms of codependency in real relationships; to accept your own mistakes without shifting responsibility; to feel the fullness of your feelings and desires; to define your own boundaries and be close to other people.

Be flexible within your own “I”, not in the ways of adapting to “We”.

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