Will you forgive me this time?

Hey!!!

“Wake up. What are you doing here in my home?” I was really shocked to see her on the couch in my living area, when I got out of the bedroom early in the morning. I was still not fully awake. I got my glasses and saw my couch again. It is her. Definitely her! She is still asleep and frowned that she still wants to sleep a bit when I asked her to get up.

Is she aware of what she is saying? Does she know where she is? Why is she here? Didn’t she leave me for him 3 months ago. Now out of the blue, why is she sleeping in my house? Why are you here Mia? Are you here to be with me again? Did you break up with your new boyfriend? Do you want us to be lovers again.Shhh! I am already sick of thinking about this. Or is she here to fight with me again? For checking about how she is, with her friend. God I really have no clue. I just need to wait until she wakes up. I am so impatient right now.

I didn’t know what to do. I really needed to go to the washroom but was afraid she’d secretly leave at that time. I wanted to talk to her and this may be the last shot I have. I didn’t want to waste it. So I stayed there, in that wooden chair making myself even more uncomfortable to sit. I didn’t want to wake her up either. So I just stayed there, staring at her.

Look at her, she is asleep like a cute little baby…. Ohhhh! Ohh!! Are you out of your mind, stupid. Did you forget she left you for that bastard? I don’t know if she or he is a bastard. Maybe both are. My patience is at its edge. When will she wake up!. “Wake up already”, I wanted to shout but didn’t.

Finally she woke up. She sat on the same couch having a thorough look of my living area. And finally she looked at me, who is in the corner of my own living room in an uncomfortable chair, as if I didn’t belong here. She greeted me with “Hi, Good Morning!”

I don’t know where the response came from, but I ended up saying “Hi, Morning, Coffee?” Shouldn’t I have shouted at her to get out or something!. What did I do. Godddd. I asked her is she wanted a coffee, and she, as if it is a casual thing, nodded her head and told “yes, I’d love that.”

I marched myself to the kitchen to make her a coffee, just like how she likes. With only 1 table spoon of coffee, lots of milk and lots of sugar. I heard a voice from the living area, it is her voice, I missed her presence in this home. After she left, this place became more silent, it felt empty in here. I hated being in the big apartment all alone. I was happy to hear her voice, feel her presence, even if it is not for too long. She called me from living area to ask if I have anything to eat as she was hungry. I made her a toast.

If I tell this to my friends, they are going to definitely kill me. Anyway that is a problem for future. I went to the living room again to see that she was gone. I felt disappointed again and that is when I saw her entering the living area from the washroom. I am relieved now.

She sat again in the couch. I went to my uncomfortable wooden chair.

“How did you come back here?”

“Ohh! Do you remember, one time I lost the key and made a duplicate, later I found the lost one, and I didn’t give it back to you. It was with me all the time”

“Ahhh………..When did you come?”

“Actually I came around 11 and slept here. I didn’t even check if you were there or not. I just wanted to be here. So I came here”

What kind of answer is that. She wanted to be here. What does that mean. Who are we. What is this. God, she is driving me crazy.

“What happened?”

“Ohh!, the coffee is sooo good. I missed your coffee a lot”. She dodged the question with a compliment, for a coffee?.

“Ahhh, doesn’t your new boyfriend make you good coffee”

She just smiled. Yeah, I know, how could she reply. She should be guilty. I am going to make sure she feels guilty of coming here again.

“So, how are you, How’s work?” she asked

“Good, and you ?”

“Mm, good”

What kind of question is that? Don’t we need to speak about why she is here now. What is this, “How are you” is all about ? I know both of us are lying. What answer does she expect for that plain question?

We went silent again. I remember the days where we were never stopped talking. We always had a ton of things to say, share and laugh. Here we are. In this awkward position not knowing what to do.

She broke the silence.

“Are you mad at me?”

“I was.”

“So now you aren’t?”

“Can’t say that, but now I am not angry as I was in that time. That time I am that angry, I would even curse you”

“And now?”

“Maximum what I would do is I would shout, But I can’t even think of cursing you”

She smiled as if she was happy hearing that. She wiped the tears from her eyes. Maybe she understood what she did, or maybe she didn’t yet.

“You know I would have been happier if you are angry right now”

“Mia, you know I understood life enough with you, but I understood better when you left. There are always 2 choices, for every situation and you get to decide what to choose. And you chose to leave”.

“What would have changed when I stayed instead”

“Don’t know, maybe you would have hurt yourself bad, and you would have hurt mine too. Too bad than what it did now”

“Mmm, maybe…”

“You know Mia, what I always want you to do?. I don’t want you to choose what is right. I don’t want you to not choose what is not right. I want you to choose what your heart says. I want you to choose what makes you happy”

“So what if I want to choose you?…, choose you again, Will you accept me?”

What is she saying. Whatttttt. I came to my senses and told her “Can I think about it?”

“How long do you need to think? Or are you seeing someone?”

“Why are you here first of all?”

“I already told you, I wanted to be here. This is the only place I want to be right now.”

“Is there anything else you need to say”

“Hmm, No I guess. Do you need to know anything?”

“I don’t know Mia, you tell me. You came here out of nowhere, sleeping on my couch and now you are saying you need to get back to me and you didn’t even say anything about your current boyfriend, is it over or not or is it just a small fight and you run back to me and once it is over you’ll go there again as if I never existed. You didn’t tell me anything and now you ask me how long it would take to answer. I don’t get it. Am I looking stupid or am I that dumb not understanding what you are saying?. You tell me.”

She didn’t say anything. She sat there silently, with her heads down for a while.

After around 30 minutes, I decided I need to leave for work. I stood up from my chair and said to her I am leaving for work in around a ½ hr. Wait here I’ll drop you in your apartment and left to take a bath.

When I came back from my bath, she was not there. I expected it. But I would have wished she waited. But Mia never does that. She always does what she wants to do. Near the half drank coffee there was a sticky note written Sorry… Thanks… With my apartment key in the side.

She left. With just two words. Sorry, Thanks. What is she sorry for. What is she thanking for. It is not like I want to feel her sorry or I want her to cry infront of me badly and apologize but sometimes I imagine if she will ever do that.

Never heard back from her. What is the stunt she pulled? It’s already been a week. Just Mia, being Mia. I wanted to talk to her. But I don’t know how. I don’t have any contact info of her. There are two things I could do, I could ask one of her friends for her number or I could just go to her apartment. Since she barged into mine, won’t be a big issue right?, going into hers.

I finally decided to go there. I am there waiting outside her apartment about to ring the bell, but I am not ready. I don’t know what to talk. I don’t know why I came here first of all. So I decided to leave. I took the stairs and when I am in the ground floor I saw her entering the block. I am in a spot where I can’t hide. I need to go through this anyway. I told myself I can do it. I am not doing anything wrong. Am I?

She saw me and walked towards me, I stood still there.

“Hey!!”

“Hey”

“Are you here to see me?”

I paused for a little and said “Yes, wanted to talk to you.”

“Ah okay. Shall we go to the starbucks near by?”

Why didn’t she let me to her apartment. It is not like I have never been there before. And I just wanted to talk, alone, and isn’t a private place a good option. So I asked her

“Can we go to your place?”

She nodded

“This place look different”

“Mm yeah, I did change the look of the place”

“I like it”

“You do… Thanks…

Shall I get you something to eat or drink?”

“Just water please”

She bought me hot water with the mild heat as I prefer. At least she remembers that.

We sat at the dining table facing each other. We both were silent for some time. I was running my hands around the glass and she is just looking her phone.

I know I am the one who came to talk so I should be the one to start to talk but I didn’t. I got no courage to speak. And I don’t know what to speak also.

Then after few more minutes. I decided to talk.

“You know I think people generally don’t cheat because they were never given a chance to. Maybe if everyone is given a chance, the world will be filled with cheaters.”

She was shocked to hear that. I think she’d have thought where did this come from. Same feeling for me too.

“So, are you saying you will cheat too, is that so”

“Mm yeah maybe, who knows, I might also cheat”.

“Does that mean, you forgive me?”

“That I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part”

She smiled as if she is kind of relieved to hear what I said.

I continued “About what you told that day…”

Her face looked puzzled. Should I really need to elaborate that.

“About the choosing me, choosing me again…, did you meant what you said that day?”

She was silent. If she was sure I would have heard a yes right. But all I heard was silence.

The phone on the table vibrated, breaking the silence. It’s hers.

All I heard was

‘Ahh’….

‘Now?’

‘Okay, I’ll come’

Who is it? Is it her boyfriend.

She cut the call and looked at me as she was sorry.

“I need to go…, urgently, can you leave now…”

I broke again, she never fails to break me.

“Mm okay, I’ll leave”. I never looked at her face, just left as it was the right thing to do. Around the door I asked her if it is her boyfriend on the call not looking back. I didn’t hear a reply. I left after few seconds.

What did I ever do wrong? I thought loving her is the only thing I did wrong. Maybe trying to accept her again is worse than that. I did that too.

I went to my apartment. To my place, my lonely kingdom. The sticky note she left that day is still there on that table. I don’t understand what happened today. She asked me that day to get back, I wanted time to think, which is fair, then I wanted to talk to her and asked her if she meant it and now she is silent. Is she playing with me? And she left me for him, again!. It is really not funny!. After a battle with my thoughts I went to sleep.

Again she vanished. I didn’t want to think of her even. Her stunts are scarier. I think super heroes can’t match up to her. All I could do is wait. Can’t guarantee she will come. Another week went by. A random sunday morning. As usual I woke up and went out to pick the news paper from the gate. That is when I saw her standing out of the gate. I am not sure what time it is, but is early in the morning. Between 7 and 8. She asked if she can come in. I said yes. She followed me to the living area.

I told her, I’ll freshen up and come and asked her to wait. When I came back, I saw coffee in the same two coffee mugs we used to have when we were together. Is it a sign, is she telling yes to be with me again. I am not taking the risk of assuming things.

“I prepared you a coffee, want anything to eat?”

“Ah no!. I am good!”

She started behaving again as it is her own territory which was once hers

“Okay, then I’ll make a toast for me”

“Then one for me too.”

She smiled. It was awkward to be around her again. I didn’t know what to do. Picked the news paper and tried to focus on reading. I really couldn’t. My heart started to race. I blocked her view with the news paper, so I didn’t realise when she came near me.

“Here’s your toast”

I was shocked to see here that close.

“Thanks”

“I missed being in here. It is a perfect place to live you know. I good ventilation, good weather and a good company”

I just smiled.

We ate our toast in silence. She broke the silence.

“Do you think you will hurt me”

I was puzzled by the question. My expression would have told her that.

“What I meant is, do you think you will hurt me if I come back to you again. Will you never love me back as before. Will you break my heart. I know I am not in position to ask you if you will hurt me, when I already did hurt you. But can you please tell me. Please…”

I was silent for sometime. I didn’t know what to say.

“I want to tell you, I won’t hurt you, but I think I might. I might hurt you. Even if you come back again it won’t change the fact that you left me and I felt hurt from that. So it will take time to forgive you”

“Then why did you come there the other day.”

“I wanted to start forgiving you. That is why I came. But you broke me again that day”

She didn’t replied. We both crawled back to our silent pace again.

“I didn’t mean to leave you that day…”

“But you still left me for him, again”

“This time it was different. I left to end things not start things”

I didn’t reply.

She continued

“This time I left you because I wanted to end things with him first before I come to you.”

“What’s the difference? You always leave”

“No it was different. First time, I didn’t leave you until he was sure of me but this time I left him, knowing that there is a higher chance you won’t accept me”

“Then go find a new man!!!”

She saw me in the eyes, her eyes were about to burst in tears, I know I should not have said that but I think it came from all those hurt I have been bearing.

She paused for some time and decided to leave as if it was the correct thing to do.

When she was near the door step she looked back at me. I was looking at her. She told

“Yes I agree, I left you for another man and it is wrong, but I am not a woman who runs into every man. I am not that person. I thought you know me, but you don’t know me at all. And you don’t get to hurt me like that every again”

She left. But this time I was wrong and she left. I didn’t know what to do. This felt more painful than she left me before. I should not have said that. But I did.

I thought this was the last chance to get back to her and I never wanted to waste it. I ran looking for her. In the corner of the street I finally found her. I was relieved to see her. I ran towards her

“Miaaaaaa, don’t go please”

and hugged her tight.

“Please don’t leave me. Not this time. I need you. Please stay with me. We’ll figure things out together. I love you. I don’t care about anything. Please stay with me. I won’t hurt you. I won’t hurt you like that ever again”.

I didn’t find the courage to look at her so my eyes were closed all the time when I told her everything. She tried to get out of my hug. That is when I finally opened my eyes.

When I saw her, her eyes were full of tears.

“I thought you’d never ask…”

We both walked back to our home. She held my hand tight and swinged back and forth playfully. She called me and asked,

“Don’t you want to know what happened with him”

I shook my head. I don’t.

Inspired from The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince (2007)