scene from Materialists.

money cannot buy my happiness

…in this economy?

A friend and I were hanging out, as friends do, talking about the who, what and when of our lives…and other people’s lives as well because why not? It was a brief moment of peace and warmth in this cold, isolating and chaotic place called medical school.

Naturally, the conversation drifted to talks of money and our pressing need for it to maintain the lifestyle we want, to the people who seem to spend lavishly without a care, especially in this Nigeria and its constant economic instability. There were the usual jokes of “do you know what this amount would do for me?" And then came the question.

“What would you do if you had 400k right now?”

My friend said what I believe is the usual for everyone: clothes, a new laptop, new devices, jewelry; all good choices really, especially if you’re looking out for quality. Yet, I couldn’t think of a single thing. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. I wonder if it’s because I hesitate to spend on myself, scarcity mindset and all. Or maybe because I’m not too crazy about material things? Especially since I’ve survived just fine without them thus far. I thought about financial stability — not ever having to worry about money — and concluded it’s something I would want but 400k, all at once, isn’t that. So there we were, trying to think of something I’d actually want or need to spend that money on. For a solid twenty minutes. From food to accessories to tattoos and possibly parties, but nothing resonated.

“What do you want deep down? There has to be something.”

Briefly, I thought of them.

There was something I wanted. There is. Yet, I’m positively sure it’s something money can’t buy.

Isn’t it silly though? Here we were, discussing an amount of money that would be quite life-changing (to a student) and all I could think about was how what I wanted more than anything wasn’t money but another human being. Love. A connection so deep that I forget the real world exists and remember that I do.

It is very silly.

I hate to say it, guys, but they were right when they said, “money can’t buy happiness”, although I think it is still extremely subjective.

(This is where you people come together and unanimously decide that I should be locked up because I’ve gone insane.)

I watched a movie in January. Materialists, starring Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans and my personal favourite, Pedro Pascal. The movie wasn’t exactly great; I had my issues with the ending because it seemed unrealistic for something that was going for the realistic route but that’s not exactly why I’m referencing it. Directed by Celine Song (I love her cinematography choices), it was a critique of the modern dating world and how it has become a little or a lot transactional, in the sense that it has become more about what both or all parties — as in the case of polyamory — bring to the table and less about the feelings. It makes you wonder — how did the first ever people on earth fall in love, when there was no table to begin with? If you haven’t watched it and you’re planning to, spoiler alert. In my movie journal, I wrote (and I’m paraphrasing here):

“I don’t get why she picked John. Yes, he’s not lazy and he is actively working hard to make his dreams a reality…but in this economy? It’s a reach. She should have just chosen herself at the end because neither choice was what she truly wanted and they’re making it seem like there are no other choices than the two extremes (love and no stability vs stability and no love).”

Looking back, I realize I may have failed to consider her feelings in the matter. I imagine the fling with Harry, though stable and lavish, must have left her feeling so discontented and lonely that what she had with John, which had more…life to it and more comfort and overall satisfaction despite money problems, just seemed like the best option for her. Dakota’s acting was a hard watch, but she did manage to convey the certain glow her character had when with John. She, Lucy, must have felt so…alive with him. There’s just something about realizing the value of a deep connection until you lose it. So, for her, it must have been a choice between a life of crippling loneliness or a life of worrying about money. I’ll still maintain that she could have had the best of both worlds because love alone cannot sustain a relationship, no matter how desperately you want it to. But, it is easy for me to judge her when I’m not in her shoes. That is to say, I’m not the one who experienced her feelings with both suitors. We, the audience, were just shown glimpses. We have no emotional ties to them. We see the table but we’re not the ones at the table. The characters are. So, do I understand?

Yes.

I finally get it. I really do. To quote Celine Song in her response to the discourse over her movie: “Love makes fools of us all.”

(Girl didn’t have to quit her high paying job at the end though, coz like hello, are you okay in the head? You both are broke now?? Fun fact: this was my most controversial movie of January. I had OPINIONS. And apparently, I still do.)

All this to say that I don’t know what I’d do if I ever ran into a huge amount of money. Maybe shawarma or pizza at first and then the rest would probably just be there until some emergency comes up. Or maybe I’ll use it to start therapy. I definitely need that.

So, if anyone asks me, “money or love?”, I fear we may already have my answer. (It’s money, in the mighty name of Jesus!)

TL;DR: I could have all the money in the world, but it would mean nothing to me if I didn’t have you.