The Weight of Trying to Fit In

And thinking where Am I belong

Some people asked me, “You didn’t feel left out, did you?” but my answer will always be the same: “Of course, why would I?” And maybe that is the truth I’ve been trying to hide for years. The painful truth of someone who tried to ignore everything painful in this world for peace.

And if you ask me more deeply, “Do you feel left out?” my answer will definitely be yes. Because in this world, you won’t fit into everyone’s shoes. Not everyone will like you, love you, cherish you, and appreciate the person you are. And maybe I don’t get along with a lot of people because of the fear of being looked at.

Sometimes you just find yourself being the person you hate just to feel like you belong. I don’t feel left out in a friend group. I don’t mind being left alone in the back. I don’t care if the people around me are much closer. But why do I feel like I don’t belong in this world?

I can be alone in malls, parks, and even eat alone at a table by myself. However, as time went by, I started to realize that being myself can be too much for people. Being confused by their humor and jokes might be the most awkward thing I can do. Laughing as if I can understand even a tiny bit.

I wish to be understood. I wanted to be like them. I crave to be the funniest person alive rather than the boring one. I wanted to be the sun, but instead I became the moon. I need to be talkative to have friends. I need to smile so I won’t be called grumpy. I need to be like this. I want to be like her. Why can’t I be like them? Why is it so damn hard to like the same things as them? Why am I a puzzle that doesn’t fit?

I would prefer being alone myself rather than feeling alone with a lot of people. And I just wished that maybe someday they’ll appreciate me too without those thousand mask that made question myself who am I as a person?

They don’t understand me; I didn’t understand them. And yet I believed that I wasn’t alone in this world — maybe I was, once. But as the years went by, I realized that in a sea of billions of people, I was never alone.

Ever since, I realized that being left alone doesn’t mean I need to fit in just to feel like I belong somewhere. I just need to be myself, and that makes me unique in every possible way.

Let’s embrace ourselves and our true selves.