On the Malleability of People

How changeable are you?

I was scheduled to give career advice on the Oprah Show. The day before, her producer. J.J. called to pre-interview me. At the end, she said, “Sorry, you can’t be on the show. You’re too realistic. We’re here to sell the dream.”

How malleable are we? Based on my 6,000 clients, friends, and me, the following might be useful.

In the abstract, we readily acknowledge that, as with all living things, our genes are prerequisite to environment’s effects — You could tune up a VW bug perfectly and it still wouldn’t beat a Porsche. Every mom knows that her baby has enduring predispositions discernable maybe even in utero. And studies of identical twins raised apart vividly demonstrate genes’ potency.

But when it comes to ourselves, especially if we listen to gurus, we may think we’re infinitely malleable: “Dream it and you can do it!” “Power pose!” “Just have a growth mindset!” Not from where I sit.

Intelligence

If you’re sharp as a marble, choose a career and avocations that aren’t too cognitively demanding and be brave enough to ask for help. Pick things you learn quickly, perhaps build-it/fix it, artistic, whatever. Practice those.

Choose your intellectual peers as romantic partners and platonic friends.

Talent

Some people are, with minimal practice, naturally good, for example, in math, music, or art. I can’t draw better than stick figures but, with little practice, I play piano well by ear.

Play to your strengths and skirt weaknesses. What’s something that comes easily to you and you enjoy? That also applies to your child. If s/he is lame at music and sports but good at and enjoys being social, encourage that —S/he’ll not only find it fun but social skills are crucial in life.

Energy

The phlegmatic rarely becomes energetic. Choose a career where being laid-back is a plus, perhaps repairer, customer service, or salesperson of a tough-to-explain product or service.

The energetic might choose a career in which fast pace is a plus, for example, bomb dismantler, production carpenter or artist, cruise ship activities director, or writer for a daily publication.

Emotion

Despite breathing exercises and meditation, the quick-to-anger are unlikely to become calm. Should you channel your angry personality into something constructive like activist or shock jock? Certainly, to preserve relationships and your health, avoid situations and people likely to trigger you.

Are you sad by nature? Of course, choose situations and people who make you feel at least a little better. Also, choose a career that capitalizes — An obvious choice is funeral director but also, some performing and visual artists specialize in the sad. I think of singers Lena Zavaroni who sang “Going Nowhere” and Karen Carpenter: “Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down,” painters like Edvard Munch (The Scream) and Edward Hopper, (Nighthawks), and philosophers such as Arthur Schopenhauer, who wrote, for example, “Let’s Pretend Life is Worth Living.”

Body type

Wide bodies tend to remain wide, with diets’ effectiveness usually fading. Many people find it wise to accept their basic body type and make just minor, sustainable changes. For example, plan what you want to eat at your next meal, stay conscious to stop eating before being stuffed, at a restaurant, eat one piece of bread instead of two, order a lower-calorie but still tasty entree, and leave enough for a snack tomorrow.

A takeaway

I feel a little guilty about being Grinchy here at the holidays but perhaps, hard truth is a better gift than easy B.S.

I read this aloud on YouTube.

Marty Nemko isn’t very malleable — incorrigibly intense but caring. He’s a career and personal coach, UC Berkeley Ph.D. in educational psychology, and author of 34 books including A Dose of Reality. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com