She Tried To Kill Her Own Children

And partially succeeded

Image created by ChatGPT with a prompt by the author

When I was training as a psychiatric nurse many years ago, part of my experiential learning involved being asked to ‘special’ a patient.

This meant staying with one person continuously, 24 hours a day, working in shifts to ensure their safety.

I was told only one thing about the woman I would be sitting with for several hours: she had stabbed her two young children.

Her son survived.

Her daughter did not.

That information immediately put me on edge. My heart raced. My palms were clammy.

At nineteen, I had never felt so young, so unprepared, or so acutely aware of my own vulnerability.

How was I going to get through this?

When I met her, I introduced myself, and asked gently if I could sit beside her.

I wondered what my obvious nervousness might stir in her. I felt completely out of my depth.

And was petrified.

Then I heard someone say, “She knew not what she did.”

Those words instantly brought to mind the phrase “They knew not what they did,” most commonly associated with Jesus’ words on the cross.

It speaks of actions carried out in ignorance, misunderstanding, or profound spiritual and psychological blindness — rather than with full awareness of their consequences or the harm caused.

In that moment, I understood: ‘upstairs’ were telling me this was not her fault.

That realisation allowed me to relax. It softened my fear, and replaced it with compassion.

Later investigations revealed that she had been profoundly let down by mental health services throughout her life.

She was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia — a condition that affects how a person thinks, feels, and perceives reality.

It can involve intense paranoia, hearing voices, fixed delusions (strong beliefs that aren’t based in reality, like feeling persecuted or watched), and hallucinations — often leaving someone terrified in a world that no longer makes sense.

People with this condition may be highly suspicious or fearful, even when there is no real threat, which can make relationships and daily life challenging.

And is not their fault…

Not an excuse, simply a reason. Fact.

Despite these symptoms, many individuals can think and speak clearly in other areas, and with proper treatment — such as medication, therapy, and support — are able to manage symptoms and live meaningful, stable lives.

Indeed, when she finally received appropriate treatment, something remarkable happened. She stabilised. She became the person she might always have been — had she been properly supported.

Too late for her children.

But not too late for learning to occur.

Afterword: The older I have got, the more I have realised that a lot of things in life lie on spectrums. For example, I have anxiety, panic attacks, and on occasion have slipped into dissociation.

Serious incidents include when I was at high school and saw my best friend being swung round the playground by the school bully — using her waist length hair. I broke the bully’s nose, but do not remember doing it.

Another is when I was under so much consistent severe stress I found myself almost getting in my car — and driving off a mountain top. Again, I do not remember making that decision.

Could I have killed the school bully by my subconscious mind if there was a knife nearby?

Could I have killed myself if my conscious mind had not taken over when it did — if both occasions were under more serious mental health conditions?

‘There but for the grace of God go I’: rather than looking down on others, ought we remember our own frailties?

How far away from the others on the spectrum are we?

Thank you for reading. 😊

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