Psychosis, one sip away? Don’t panic

Slippery Slope Slipping Taking L’s Sipping Sips Lifting up and away.

Self care note: The following stream of consciousness piece flows through lived experience of psychosis, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts, including brief references to self-harm.

We cannot expect a non-linear internal experience to be understood if we only try to look at it through a rigid, linear box. This is a stream flowing underneath a bridge, bridging a path under water, in order to safely swim across walking by looking at things from the bottom up. Bottomless cup of coffee?

Overload?

Yes.

Understand.

Hopefully.

Please be kind to yourself. Not kind of.

Totally kind. Self Care Aware, Self Aware Care Bears?

Sorry coffee is kicking in…..

Already, nowthen. Then now what. Front doors locked. Windows closed. Ah I see.

I am always one sip of coffee away from a panic attack.

Wait what? But you drink coffee all the time. Does that mean? EH.

Yes. He thinks he is always about to have a panic attack.

..sluuuurrrppp..

It’s happening again.

As it so happens, it is happening again.

So?

Well, not yet. Now, then. Actually. But the fear of it happening isn’t enough to alter my behaviour because

I

Need

Cawfee.

Yet, I also need to not be le panic potato.

Le panic potato? Matty, sit! Sit Matty SIT!

Matthew honestly, you write these things without thinking them through. Throwing them threw. Matthrew.

Matthrew up thoroughly, rough thoughts thoughtlessly less thinking more drinking. Line lingering to long. Form fermenting.

Ca cawwww

CaCawffeeny

So as I was saying, I am always one sip of coffee away from a panic attack. Three sips ago that is. Two sips to go that is. One sip more than that is where I will go that is.

I know.

What Matty? What do you know? Matty? EH.

I know that just one more sip will give me a panic attack. But I have to have it.

Have? gave?

Oh! behave. Cave in already. You know you are going to have more than you gave.

Gave who? Who. Who?

What a hoot you are Matteo. Quanti anni hai? Matteo e sempre in ritardo.

Late for how? 42 years?

Now brown cow.

No one likes you. They can see you through the camera on your laptop CAPSLOCK.

Ring a ring a rosie. Matty.

Oh we watched Hair the musical the other day!!

Great it was!! Splendiferous.

Oh my goodness we fell in love too. Matteo. That’s amore!! Bella Bellisima!!

A more or less ingrassoutation. Grande grandiosity. Matthrew. Mambo Italiano.

She wasn’t a real person, just a human acting on the stage.

Aren’t we all though?

Ecciù!

SALUTE!!

Deep diving into coffee caffeine crippled anxiety cacophony caccoon anxiety crippling coffee caffeine me? Cacao.

Hot chocolate. I believe in Miracles Matty.

Don’t hate caffeinate. LAte LAte. LATE!

Tu sempre in ritardo! Matteo Matteo.

What did you just call me? Get off the phone!!

That’s a spicy meatball!! Matthrough it. You will get through it. Matthew.

Get through what?

Put the coffee down. Matty.

No. I have nothing else in my life.

You have more than just coffee Matty. You have the mug.

Because you’re a mug Matthew!!

Wait weren’t you trying to help a second ago?

Weren’t you trying to help your self a second ago Matthew?

Where? Were? The H, gone? Was? When? Not? what?

“ Oh look my names Matty I have panic attacks if I drink too much cawfee me me wa wa Goo Goo Dolls Lady Gaga”

Huh. I did say that. But I was sitting on the couch when I said it. Now I am sitting on the floor then. Nowthen. How did I get here? Then, way back when before this was, when I got here get it made my way back when. Past then?

This isn’t my apartment. This is not my friend's place? This certainly isn’t my most recent love artefact from afars place.

CAPELLI!!!!

Why are the floors like this?

Coffee cold. But you are getting warmer Matty.

Lights. Bright. You get it, right?

Name quattro things around you Matteo.

Clipboard.

Graffiti

Chair

Tray?

Now say fromage!! Matteo.

Look up Matthew. Helium balloon lifted us up. No longer drifting, sifting through the tornado.

Matty. Stop. StopStopstop. Give yourself some space. Space heater missing. Missing seemingly simple answer. Answer me this.

Why are you here?

What are you typing on?

hmm. I see what’s happening. But I was doing so well.

FUCK.

It’s okay Matthew. We were trying our best.

Were? Well what are we doing right now? SHIT SHIFT SHIFTY SHIFT KEY!!!!!!

Stop swearing Matty. Keep it in. Think. Think Think Thinking Thinking still loading loading loading…

Browser bowser bombastically bashing Mario Matteo e sempre in ritardo Ricky Ricardo. I love Lucy, loose associations — Now I see.

REALLY RELISHING RETROACTIVELY REGAINING RELEVANT RE: RETHORICISMS

Matthew. Simple words. Simple syllables. Neologism logic won’t help you here. Oh! of the story. Herostorically.

Herostratisphere update our status Matty!You are in stasis burning up front around the back rhetorically casting correct spells after the fact Matty! Thoretically e gone mad. H before e? He gone mad in Theory Matty.

TMI?

Silly string spider web sticky thinking thinking thinking thinking. I thought for a moment then thinking quattro fromage frosting freezing fridge freezer frigate.

Cheesecake. Birthday cheesecake. Quanti anni hai.

Back to the future Delorian Delorian. Hey there Delilah.

Quando Quando Quando.

TELL ME WHYYY!!!

Oh say, can you see my eyes? If you can, then my hair’s too short! Matty. Matty.

You got a haircut yourself.

Shave it off. Matty. Careful now. Take care. Trigger warning Matty. Stop stop stop stop if you aren’t ready stop here stop here stop.

I cut myself? But why? I haven’t done this in years.

Quanti anni hai? Why are you still doing this Matteo.

Fuck.

It’s okay Matthew. It’s going to be okay.

But people know! They can fucking see. They can see!!!!

Matty. I need to be straight with you here. SEW WHAT.

So what? Sew? Sew it back to gether. Together saying so what?

Look. I see that people hear these things. And pass judgements. But, so. I know that it isn’t easy. We are here. These things are these things until they are those things. Matthew. We are here. Hear that.

Hear what?

What I just said. Wait me or you or what. Who is even talking to me. I know it’s not me but it’s mine to me. Me in my mind me. Outside talking to me about me in here. Hearing what I am thinking, saying, wishing, waiting I was someone else.

So I need to stop thinking. It hurts so much. I hurt so much. Why am I like this.

“??Matthew can I call you Matthew I see you see things Matthew I hear you hear things Matthew I can’t believe you believe things I hypothesise these things in my hand will cut you down to size Matthew. You DOPE you Are MINE Matthew. Doctor ME will indoctrinate you into Doctor robotics. ME ME EDUCATED. YOU YOU STUPID??”

Oh that’s helpful. So, this styrofoam cup will start to melt away and the international roast will float into my mouth with the shot cup of pills. And thats the end of it? EH.

EHHHHH.

Fuck. I have been here before.

“?? Been here before busying being here before. I see no rapport, negative you are I hypothesize these will stimulate growth to bring you back up to size. Sizing you up sizzling serotonin xerox toner toning the pages zeroing in on you socks up sucking sucks to be you, you SUCKY DUCK you. DR. ME ME ME $300,000 A YEAR, YOU STUPID YOU YOU $566 A FORTNIGHT.??”

Okay I get that. Dr. ME. Like me me or Medical Examiner you you.

Nevermind.

But the scar tissue that I wish you saw.

“?? I see, see. I saw that, saw Matt you go up and down. Come back here, I hear — you see. See. Up, up and away. Cut yourself down down directly back here, hear me! DR. ME ME KNOW ALL THINGS YOU KNOW NO THINGS NOT THINGS THAT WE BELIEVE. K NO What you are Matthew??”

Dr. Me, I understand. What can I convince you of, so that you — very big man. Smart man. Great man. Busy man. Did I say great? Man I can’t leave that out. Ugh this grates me to say but I will tell you whatever you need to hear to let me out of here. This cage. This cheese grater.

Fromage Matteo!

Shut up.

Italiano Matteo!

Stai Zitto.

DITTO

“?? DR. ME, ME ME RIGHT!! SEE, SEE I FIXED YOU. YOU TELL ME. I WRITE YOU PRESCRIPTION. YOU RIGHT NOW ALL RIGHT.??”

Yes, doctor. I can see the error of my ways. Eye is on my way back to stability. This will never happen again.

Matthew. There is a 100% forecast of shit weather ahead. You just won’t know what direction it is coming from. Matthew.

We can’t always be right. Or alright. All right? No. not really. But that’s okay. Allrighty then.

Matteo. Sorry I will call you Mat for the moment. You can’t win every battle. That’s not how a battle works. It can’t be a battle, without the potential of losing the battle. You see.

You are BattleMat. You can come back stronger. Even though you feel like a scared tiger a lot of the time BattleMat.

BattleMat? I like that.

If all of our focus is on the potential for panic. Impending attacks that may or may not ever come again. Things can slip in the backdoor and overwhelm us without notice. Life is a balancing act. Learning how to live, feel, love and be free is the journey.

Self care is the ocean. Health care is the dock hand.

Family, whatever that looks like to you. Friendship through oceans travelled. These are the things that make up the hands that help yourself.

Turn your storms in a teacup, into lightning in a bottle.

You are the captain now.

Far out look at you Matty, He Man Matty. Preaching Matty? More of a scared Cat Matty. BattleMat. Pallleaaaaseee.

No, not really. I am reaching. Well, reaching out. Scratch that, reaching in to reach out. That is.

This is my storm in a styrofoam cup. More or less.

Something more to someone else hopefully.

We are all more. Never less.

Quote the BattleMat.

Always More.