My life feels like a mess. I’m 41 and starting over

Never wanted to start the drama or be the drama, but it feels like the confession I’m about to make doesn’t come out in any other form. So here it is, my attempt to start again.

I’m pretty aware I might sound strange to someone, however, this is my chance to reflect on the things I left behind and bring back the man I used to be.

Where do I start?

I’m unemployed, divorced, and emotionally burned out. I mean, it’s not like I am a sad couch potato or anything, though we all have our days. I guess I’m just numb, a bit lost and very frustrated with life.

I signed the divorce papers a year ago, the only thing I didn’t postpone since the breakup. Don’t have much to say about it. It was a mutual decision, but that doesn’t make it any easier to process. We tried to make it work for a while but gave up eventually. Same old story. No regrets, but when I look in the mirror, I barely see myself anymore. Who IS that guy?

I quit my job because of panic attacks. It felt like a brief relief and made me realize just how burned out and stressed I was all the time. An ironic statement for a firefighter. But yeah, I still don’t feel like looking for a job. Luckily, I have enough savings to go for another month or so. A story I keep telling myself for a while now.

I’m bored all the time but don’t feel like doing anything about it. These days, they call it procrastination but idk, seems more like I just can’t motivate myself to do something about my life anymore. Even the simplest things feel like pushing a rock uphill. Am I enjoying this? Maybe. Stuck in a standby mode waiting for the spark to kick in. And it did…

The brainrot is real. Feels like tiktoks and memes are the fuel that keeps me alive, there is no other explanation for me spending hours on social media. I hate the fact that I’m aware of my addiction, but simply tolerate it instead of trying to stop it.

My house has been slowly falling apart lately. The dishwasher stopped working, the garage door won’t open, and the bedroom fan fell from the ceiling and is now dangling by its cords. But when the showerhead broke off, I snapped. I got so fed up with myself and the whole situation that I ended up spending the entire day fixing things. And boy did it feel good! I actually felt something.

Anyway, I think I’m finally ready to meet this new man in the mirror. Who is he? What does he want? No clue. But I’m starting this journal to find out. I feel like making it public will help me stay accountable and stick with it.