MONSTERVERSE MAYHEM

I Saw King Kong’s Wang

And I may never recover…

Depression has suddenly set in for me, too, big fella. Photo by Il Vagabiondo on Unsplash

I saw King Kong’s wang!!

Not in a movie.

Not in a fever dream.

It wasn’t even after accidentally clicking on the wrong link at 2am and regretting the consequences.

No, really. It wasn’t.

I saw it because my brain betrayed me during what began as an innocent conversation among friends about movie monsters.

In the midst of a heated debate about which version of King Kong would make the best house pet, someone asked:

How big do you think…(mildly inappropriate pointing) you know, King Kong would be?

Did nobody think of this before?

Really?

Nobody involved in the designing of a 300-foot gorilla stopped to consider what went on below the waist of such a behemoth?

So, naturally, we took the path that always begins with curiosity and ends with emotional trauma…

We did the math.

People, there are just some things that humanity in general was never meant to calculate.

• Nuclear fission
• How many parts in IKEA furniture are “suggestions”
• The nutritional value of the McRib
• Estimating the dimensions of what makes the great ape a great ape

I may never recover.

I blame curiosity. Curiosity is built right into us. From the time we first open our eyes, the mysteries of the world around us intrigue us and, at the same time, terrify us a little.

Then the internet came along and started providing the answers to questions that nobody should ever ask. With pictorial backup.

Yikes!

And, as the type of writer I am, I overthink things like the size of Jungle Junk and follow other ridiculous thoughts well beyond the borders of safety.

And you’re welcome.

To tell the truth, the worst part wasn’t really in discovering the answer.

The answer, after all, was ambiguous. Made up by myself. I know me. I get carried away.

No, the worst part came with the realization that somewhere in Hollywood a young special-effects intern had already probably figured it out and would probably now spend the rest of their career trying not to think about apex primate pecker.

Ah, the human brain. A magnificent, marvelous machine that allows us:

• To compose symphonies
• To cure diseases
• To land spacecraft on faraway planets

But it can also make us spend 45 minutes doing the advanced calculations regarding hypothetical monkey genitalia just because Trudy, who never seems to get any, said:

Know what I’ve always wondered?

There’s a very simple lesson here.

Be mindful of the questions you ask.

Some answers will absolutely make you smarter.

Some will lead to more questions.

And others will leave you staring out a window wondering how you ever asked the question in the first place.

And once you’ve seen King Kong’s Wang…

You can’t unsee it.

Trust me.