How I Survived Covert Narcissist Abuse

This is an unfortunate true story, and it is not easy to explain how the covert narcissist gets people so hooked. First, there is love bombing, which is lovely as they really do everything in their power to charm you. And I have fallen for it every time. My weakness is handsome, charming men with complex personalities. Of course, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I am not the only one who has fallen for them. So they are quite used to being chased by women, and I guess that at some point they realised “Hey, I can use women as they so willingly want to give me something, may it be sex, help, or money. And I don’t need to do much to get what I want.” In some cases, when they treat women badly, they just get more addicted. These women don’t walk away as they should; they compete with others and usually blame the other women, not the CN, for the drama. This is exactly what CN wants: you to compete with someone else over him. He enjoys the attention from multiple women who want to prove to him and others that they are better than the other women. This way he has multiple women who give to him and he can always go to the one that does the highest bidding.

But they forgot that it was not the bad behavior that attracted us all, but the promise of something called love. And you cannot keep up that illusion very long. I am not a masochist at all, so I don’t enjoy being used, cheated, or lied to. And it is really confusing when this man, who was first so into you, suddenly becomes cold and ignorant. The aim is to encourage you to try harder, do more, and give more to them. Suddenly, you are nothing. The only thing I could think was that this man does not love me, or he could not act this way. Ghost and ignore.

And there are signs that there are others. If you ask straight, they act like you are not in your right mind. “She is my ex. What can I do if she posts an old photo of my dog to social media?” Why would she post an old photo of your dog to social media? “How would I know? She is crazy.”

And this cycle happens with every woman. Not just you. Everyone. I thought first that he loves someone else, not me. But later learned that a covert narcissist loves no one. Not even themselves. They operate by their wants and needs. Covert narcissists are tricky because first, they seem so open, vulnerable, sensitive, thoughtful, and even generous. They are the victims, and life has treated them unfairly. You will see soon how selfish and self-centered they are. Only their needs and wants matter, and they don’t care how they fulfill them. They lie, cheat, throw you under the bus, and steal to get what they want.

The cover narcissists are easily humiliated and feel anger towards anyone who criticizes them or makes them feel less. To compensate for this inferiority complex that they secretly have, they try to put you down. They can laugh at you in public, first teasingly, and later they are plain rude and want you to react. So they have proof to show others that you are not a balanced person. But every time they are criticized or do something wrong, they shrink and look like a child who was wrongfully punished. And that is why they don’t like you. You are not allowed to do the same to them as they do to you. It is a very conflicting situation. Why does someone pretend to love you if they don’t? Like any gold digger, because you benefit them somehow. If you tangle the carrot, they come running, and vanish as quickly too after they get what they want. And it does not matter who gives that to them. They are not picky. They pretend to have feelings for you to use you. It is that simple.

They do have a crushes that fade as quickly as they start and often turns into resentment. They were not what they thought they were, or rather, they did not get what they wanted from them. They did not behave the way they wanted. Either you do what covert narcissists want or give them what they want, or you are useless to them, and they are not interested in you. You are like their mother, not an equal partner. They are like a child who wants their mother to give to them, sometimes attention, sometimes money. And they don’t see anything wrong with it. Quite the opposite, they act like they are entitled to special treatment and your money.

The cycle that they live by is 1. Idealization (Love Bombing), Devaluation, Discard/Withdrawal, and Hoovering. It happens to the best of us. We meet someone and feel giddy every time we meet them, or interact with them, get a message from them, or hear from them. But when we get to know them better, we start to see their faults and dark side. And we are not so attracted to them anymore. But depending on what these things are, it might be that their positive qualities outshine the negative ones. In the case of a covert narcissist, this does not happen. The more you find out, the more disbelief and disgust you will have. How is this even possible? The lengths these people go.

A covert narcissist gets disappointed with you when you are not like they wanted or thought, when you are not perfect in their mind. And no one ever is. How dare you be human with faults? Then they put their interest and love bombing into someone else. Usually, they have multiple options available. They collect women and keep them hanging by staying in contact with them behind your back. They can be absent for long periods and think that enough time has passed to make a return, as nothing has happened. Especially if they did not find anyone else who would give more to them. Not everyone is as giving as you are. After a long time, CN can suddenly call, message, or show up where you are, and they start the cycle all over again. Or at least try. They are again charming, loving, and you are the only one they have ever loved.

But then comes the next phase again. Covert narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics like gaslighting, victim-playing, and emotional withdrawal to keep you confused and bonded. They lie straight to your face and deny everything, even if there is solid proof. They are always the victim, and you are the one who is annoying with your questions or bothering them. They are stressed and don’t want to hear your nagging or questioning. I heard things like “It is not your business.” “Have you been snooping?” or “What is your agenda?” My agenda was to love him and support him, build something together. But I realised I am doing it alone. He was just using me. Emotionally, financially, but not sexually, as I stopped being intimate as quickly as he friend-zoned me, or I had proof he had other women. It was not that I did not want him anymore; it was to protect myself. I did not want to be emotionally tied to a person who did not commit to me. I need to feel physically and emotionally safe before I want to have sex with someone. I don’t want a man who wants to control others; I want a man who can control himself. He was obviously not my man.

Covert narcissists live by their wants and needs, like a child who has no understanding of consequences, patience, or tools to control themselves. They control others and need other people to regulate their feelings. My covert narcissist did contact me when he either wanted or needed something. All the other times were occasions when he aimed to benefit somehow, and he was preparing or testing the waters by pretending to care or be interested in. When he was with me, I made the world seem like a good place again, and him feel like he was something special. Then he happily trotted to another woman. Without telling me of course.

Covert narcissists do it on purpose; they hurt you on purpose to get a reaction out of you. I don’t know whether it is to them proof that you care or that they can control you. Maybe both. You are their puppet. They can make you cry, angry, or jealous. I didn’t do any of these. I am an emotional ninja. When he praised other women to me in public, I raised an eyebrow. When he made me come to his workplace, just to tell me that he did not have the money he had borrowed from me and was supposed to pay back. That is why he asked me over. I raised an eyebrow. When I found out that he is having a whole relationship behind my back, I blocked him and sent a message that “Have a good life”. I found out later, not from him, that he had beaten up that “girlfriend” of his, and she was “rescued” by her family and was in therapy. When I asked about that, the CN said, “She deserved it. You should know what she did to me.” But he never told me what she did to him. Either it was too shameful, or it did not happen.

Why would I care for someone who does not care about me? Why it took me so long to leave? It was because I was bored repeating this cycle, and I wanted to figure out if it was something I did. Yes and no. I could not have known that I was seeing a covert narcissist, as I did not know that they even existed. I should have set stronger boundaries and left earlier, but I have never been very good at setting boundaries or even being self-aware of certain things. This is because I was raised by a covert narcissist. I was punished if I did not behave the way my parents wanted; I was the problem, not them. I was not allowed to express my feelings. I was supposed to do my part of the housework, succeed at school, and I was always criticized. No matter how much I tried, it was never good enough. And that is how it is with a covert narcissist. Once, my mother was in tears and said that my father did not like that I used makeup. I was thinking, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” How can I have healthy boundaries when I did not even know what healthy was?

What I did know was that I did not deserve covert narcissist abuse. Financial or emotional. I thought he would not hit a woman. I was wrong. But he never did that to me. Either he respected me in that sense or was afraid of me. I am very strong-minded, and there were moments, days, weeks, months that I did not want to get out of bed. I felt that I would never find love or no one loves me. It was not only him, but all the men in my life who had let me down or betrayed me one way or another. And then I understood it. Why am I paying so much attention to what he does and so little to what I do? Why do his words weigh so much more than mine? They did not. He just made me believe that they did. So I stopped. I stopped caring, being available. I stopped thinking that I should help him in any shape or form. I should help myself. I should be the center of my life. I should make myself happy, not others. I become useless to people who want to use me. I don’t mean you never help anyone, but certainly not someone who would not do the same to you. Let other women keep him and fight for nothing. There was nothing for him to give. He was not able to give the only thing I ever wanted: love. He said himself that he does not love anyone. Well, he used the word “love” often for a man who does not love anyone. Not to me, to others. He made sure I heard it when he was on the phone.

So I moved to another town. Not because of him, but because I wanted. He does not know where I live. He is blocked everywhere. I have no interest in seeing him, be in contact, or even speak. The reason you will find in my book Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship. The things that was the final straw. I have nothing to talk about or solve anymore. I know what covert narcissists do, how they behave, and they have nothing to give to me. I see or hear him sometimes online. He sings in a band, and he is a damn good singer. He has done records, and people love him on and off stage. When I once told about him to one of my female friends, she said: “You make him sound like a terrible person.” You have no idea. He certainly is not the fun Mr Nice Guy he pretends to be. You have the right to think whatever you want. I did not come here to prove anything or be mean. It is what it is. But he ain’t got me. I am free.

He might find hundreds of new women. But none of them is me. He will never find another me. He did not respect me or love me. He never thought about how I felt, whether I was alone, how I was doing, or what kind of state of mind or financial trouble he put me in when I was cleaning up the messes that he had made. He was fun for a drink, dinner, and going out. But that’s it. He was never there when I needed him. Now, when I think about it, he never gave me anything I needed or wanted. He could not as there is nothing to give. He is like an empty shell. It was also against his agenda. He was never vulnerable or real with me. I doubt he is that with anyone. It was always about control and ego.

I loved him. I was honest with my feelings; I would have been a great partner, but he did not want me. Or if he did, he never said it. His ego and need for control were bigger than my love. I did not need therapy; he does. I needed to live more and feel more. Be loved. Not be small anymore, so the other one can feel big. It is time for me to shine. I am the love and light. And he did not choose me. So be it.

He thought I would always be there, hanging in hope that things would change. He does not seem to know me well. I am more than capable of walking away from nothing. I cannot say, “What did I ever see in him?” Because I still see what could have been. But I cannot do it alone. I don’t want to waste more time to someone who does not want to invest in me, or to us. I don’t think he can. He lives for drama, lies and betrayal. I am not going to settle anymore. I know what I want and it is not a covert narcissist. It is a man with heart.