The Bengals Stink and Always Will

Being a Bengals fan is like being in a toxic relationship. You know it’s bad for you, your friends tell you to walk away, but you keep convincing yourself, “No, this time it’ll be different.” Spoiler: it’s never different.

Bengals wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase confronts coach Zac Taylor on sideline.

After the Bengals repulsive display of football against the Denver Broncos, a 28–3 defeat, one has to wonder… is it really just an injury problem? The answer is no.

The Bengals were born in 1968 and have spent most of their existence proving that God has favorites — and Cincinnati isn’t one of them. They’ve been to the Super Bowl a handful of times, sure, but only to give the other team a storybook ending. They’re like the Washington Generals of football, but with worse uniforms.

Then came the Andy Dalton years, aka the “we’re technically good but spiritually garbage” era. Five straight playoff appearances from 2011 to 2015. Sounds solid until you realize they lost every single one. Their crowning achievement? A 2016 playoff meltdown against the Steelers that looked less like football and more like a live reenactment of a poor WWE show.

Enter Joe Burrow, the franchise savior. Cool as ice, smokes cigars like he’s in a Scorsese movie, drags the Bengals to a Super Bowl in 2021. And of course — they lost. Because this is Cincinnati, where dreams come to die.

The true story behind Joe Burrow’s cigar celebrations — Sports Illustrated

Since then, Burrow’s been sacked so many times he’s basically eligible for veteran benefits. Even Andrew Luck thinks Joe Burrow has been hit too many times. The Bengals offensive line protects him about as well as the parents who let their kid fall into the Harambe pen at the zoo. Seriously, RIP king. If Joe even sneezes wrong, half the fanbase holds a prayer vigil. I swear, being a Bengals fan is just paying for NFL Sunday Ticket to watch a live funeral every week.

BBC:Harambe: Gorilla photo to be sold as an NFT five years after he was shot dead

Do I think Jake Browning is the problem? No. But let’s be honest, after looking at what Joe Burrow had last year, compared to what Browning has accomplished so far with pretty much the same offense and O-Line, Burrow not only should have won the MVP…… he should have been crowned the King of the “Queen City.” (Side Note: There can’t be 2 “Queen Cities,” Charlotte, NC, and Cincinnati need to have a duel and the winner claim the right to the “Queen City.”)

Cincinnati Ohio City Skyline Over Sing The Queen City by Gregory Ballos

So deep down… what is the real issue with the Bengals?

Ownership: The Real Problem

The Bengals are run by Mike Brown, a man who treats the franchise like it’s a family-owned pawn shop. He’s allergic to spending money. Other owners invest in training facilities and player development. Brown invests in duct tape and good vibes. Seriously, have you seen their make-shift training facility by the stadium? No… that’s not AI, that’s a real facility for a professional football team.

Cincinnati Bengals and Integrity Express Logistics Announce Naming Rights Partnership For Indoor Practice Facility

Let’s face it, they’re not the best with football strategy and development either. They kept Marvin Lewis around for 16 years without a single playoff win. SIXTEEN YEARS. That’s not loyalty — that’s Stockholm syndrome. Don’t even get me started on Zac Taylor. His coaching tree has been abysmal, just like him. Ask Titans fans how Brian Callahan has been performing for their football team.

They fought with the defending sack leader in the NFL (Trey Hendrickson) all offseason for a contract extension. Tried numerous times to trade him and couldn’t. Settled on a 1-year extension that I’m sure won’t have ramifications next year. (Sarcastic). Hell, not even their first-round pick from last year wanted to play and sign with them. He made it very clear that the Bengals would not have been his first, second, third, or fourth choice. But unless you’re Eli Manning, you don’t get to choose where you get picked. Like Trey, they spent the entire offseason trying to reach an agreement. The only 1st round pick that didn’t sign until the last moment. But it’s ok, I’m sure a rookie doesn’t need any practice time to get acclimated with the team and the league. They did sign Burrow, Chase, and Higgins to monster long-term contracts, but it’s bad when the entire league assumed that all 3 might be up for trade or free agency because you’re known to be a cheap ass. If you were in school and were given a test back that you failed, and the teacher was nice enough to make notes saying, “You can have a makeup test to try again, I would focus on the questions you missed and study extra hard on those.” We would all be excited to go home and study, full well knowing what we had to do to get an A+. Well, imagine that happens every year… and you’re a team that is told to upgrade your O-Line… but you just don’t. If you did that as a student, eventually, the teacher is going to think that maybe you just might be an idiot. And they would be correct.

Every season it’s the same:

• September: This is the year!
• November: Maybe we’re cursed.
• January: Fire everybody.
• February: Okay, but next year though…

Here’s the truth: the Bengals will never be good-good. Sure, they might get hot for a season, maybe even sniff another Super Bowl, but winning it all? Nah. This team exists to give the rest of the NFL a laugh track.

So, fellow Bengals fans, buckle up. Grab your skyline chili, toss on that traffic-cone jersey, and embrace the chaos. Because the only thing more consistent than Cincinnati heartbreak… is Cincinnati fans coming back for more.

NFL Week 4 superlatives: Cincinnati Bengals lost to Denver Broncos