POLITICS

Virginia SCOTUS Denies Redistricting Map Until Democrats Get More Corrupt

Homelander’s Heresy

“Look, these new district maps put more sensible, educated folks with common sense in Virginia’s legislative branches. This would discriminate the state’s rural bumpkins who pride themselves on UFC fights on the National Mall and consider Josh Hokit a philosopher for stating that Michelle Obama is a man,” Justice D. Arthur Kelsey stated in his defense to strike down redistricting. Picture AI-generated by Nanobanana Pro.

Virginia is a state of lovers. It loves the despicable.

The Supreme Court of Virginia on Friday struck down the voter-approved redistricting amendment, giving Republicans a sigh of relief that Democrats have failed in countering their gerrymandering. A brief respite to take their minds off the next country President Donald Trump would declare war on.

The 4–3 ruling declared that Virginian Democrats should have a 6–5 advantage for the 2026 midterm election, as opposed to the 10–1 advantage that Virginians voted for. This blocking of the racking-up-the-score method was praised by NBA athletes who are still butthurt that their winning opponents still score in garbage time.

Justice D. Arthur Kelsey wrote for the majority on why he wanted to save the Republican Party from a blue tsunami in the midterms.

“Legally speaking, Virginians did vote in the April 21 special election to redistrict their state to an overwhelming Democratic Party majority. As Supreme Court Justices, we must try to play fair in the eyes of the media so that we don’t have crazy far-right lunatics attempt to shoot us in our own homes.

“We’ve learnt from Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh on how to look fair while voting against what voters want. Kavanaugh dispalyed the art of acting unbiased in biased rulings when he opposed Bostock v. Clayton County’s decision on protecting employees against discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. Kavanaugh stated that it is Congress’s job and not the Supreme Court’s job to amend Title VII in enforcing these protections. What brilliant deflection! Kavanaugh comes off as legally intelligent while morally dubious.

“As someone who represents Virginia, I can confidently say that Virginia is a state of lovers. We love the morally depraved so much that we elect them into office as members of the Democratic Party.

• 73rd Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, became popular after refusing to step down in 2019 following a revelation that he used blackface in college.
• 49th Attorney General of Virginia, Jay Jones, won his election in 2025 after refusing to step down following the revelation of his texts glorifying violence against Republicans and pissing on their graves.
• 41st Lieutenant Governor of Virginia, Justin Fairfax, refused to step down in 2019 following numerous sexual assault accusations. Four years after his term ended, he fatally shot his wife before killing himself in a murder–suicide.

“This is Virginia. Democrat or Republican, we would accept anyone who is morally depraved. We would even accept pedophiles as long as they plead guilty to storming the Capitol. That will secure them a nice unconditional pardon from the President and give them a clean slate to run in elections. They just have to promise not to behave like the other pardoned Jan 6 rioters and sexually abuse children afterwards.

“I reckon we have plenty of those depraved folks in rural, deep red Virginia. Democrats don’t have anyone nearly crazy enough to match these folks. Their only prime candidate, Justin Fairfax, killed himself. Fairfax sexually abused so many women that the Cleveland Browns signed his carcass to a $250 million guaranteed contract. He killed as many black women as his ancestor, Lord Fairfax, did on his plantation.

“In an effort to appear fair and unbiased and live up to the motto that Virginia is a ‘state for lovers’, we need to show that we can have batshit insane folks representing the state of Virginia. For now, we need these Republican favored districts to supply this. The Democrat favored districts that would come from this new map would put more people of common sense and emotional stability into office. We need fewer Zohran Mamdanis and more Marjorie Taylor Greenes.”

Kelsey mentioned he would reconsider his decision if Democrats could prove that any of the new districts contain any liberal pedophiles accused of child sex crimes. This proved to be a challenge, considering Reich-Wing Watch has documented at least 42 right-wingers who were accused of such crimes in September 2025.

Screenshot from Instagram.

In an attempt to appear impartial, Kelsey mentioned that he would approve redistricting efforts as long as the Democratic Party can prove that the Jan 6 rioters, those guilty of child sex abuse, were actually secret liberal agents of ANTIFA.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading!

If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

[embed]ELLIE SALVAJE’S TABLE OF CONTENTS Read this before perusing my blog. elliesalvaje.medium.com

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.

[embed]So you like dark humor and satire, but don’t want to pay the Medium membership fee No worries, I’ve been broke as well. Please don’t prostitute yourself. Just subscribe to get my emails whenever I publish.elliesalvaje.medium.com

Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

View more pieces from Pitfall

[embed]Ku Klux Klan Sues Nick Cannon for Comparing Them to Democrats BlacKkKlansmanmedium.com

[embed]Ryan Walters Mandates All Oklahoma School Bibles Depict Trump Grabbing E. Jean Carroll by The Pussy Grooming via Godmedium.com

[embed]Donald Trump Boasts His Appointment of Kristi Noem Proves That DEI Hires Are Ruining America Noemberg Trialmedium.com