you seem a little too happy for a girl so depressed

i really like this pic for no reason.

“if you really wanna die, why would you even bother registering for SNBP?”

that’s one of my friends questions when we hung out at a quiet cafe on the side of the main road. to be honest, at that time i froze. i mean, she’s not wrong. if i really want leave the fuck of this world, why am i even bother doing something at all?

when i think about it, sometimes i seem too "happy" for a depressed teenager. someday i’ll be laughing my ass off with my trio and in the dead of night i’ll watch those red fluid dripping to the floor like it’s some kind of worth watching thing.

it’s weird, really. why am i even bothered to make new friends in college knowing damn well i decided that i would hang myself on the ceiling of my kos room at one random day?

why do i encourage and comfort my friends when they’re sad and telling them everything’s gonna be okay while i can hardly find a reason to wake up from bed every morning?

why do i go to the therapist monthly and take my meds even though i know clearly i’ll never heal and will always go around in this circle forever no matter how much i try to be better?

why am i even bothering to fall in love, writing poems and making damn songs playlist like he’s the love of my life with a single “oh this song suits him” though knowing i only use him to cope?

…i can’t answer those questions.

“oh, well that means you don’t really wanna die then”

you said. but i’m the one who’s been living hell since forever, ain’t i?

but sure, yeah, i’m faking being a self aware suicidal person. it’s all gonna get better. i’m just an attention seeker.

— ell