A birth of a new religion

a comedy not to be taken seriously

The Great Church of Abu: The One True 7–11 Light

My fellow believers, the time has come for a revolution — a yuge one. A religion so great, so fantastic, it makes all the others look like amateur open mic nights. Welcome to the Church of Abu, the 7–11 Messiah, where standup comedy, ancient wisdom, and scientific bigly truth unite.

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The Origin Story (It’s Incredible, Believe Me) In the beginning — well, we don’t really know exactly when, but it was on a Wednesday because Abu works the night shift on Tuesdays — the Universe was created. But then, folks, the Universe got bored. Really bored. So it decided to spice things up, and that’s when Abu the Eternal Manager of Cosmic Convenience appeared in a burst of neon light, holding a Slurpee in one hand and a pack of gummy worms in the other. Amazing guy. Absolutely amazing.

Abu didn’t just create the world. No, no, no. He made it convenient. Before Abu, humanity had to forage, hunt, and cook. Tedious stuff. But then he said, “Let there be all-night snacks.” And BOOM — nachos, Slurpees, and microwavable burritos became the cornerstones of civilization.

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The Ten Command-Snacks of Abu Abu gave us commandments, folks. Not on boring stone tablets, but on the back of a 7–11 receipt. Let me tell you, it’s much more efficient. Here they are:

1. Thou shalt not complain about prices at 3 AM. Convenience has a cost, people!
2. Honor thy cashier, for they hold the key to your taquitos.
3. Thou shalt not mix Mountain Dew with Diet Coke at the soda fountain. It’s heresy.
4. Blessed are the drunk and the hangry, for they shall inherit the mini pizza rolls.
5. Thou shalt always say, “Keep the change,” because Abu is merciful.
6. Thou shalt respect the sacred hot dog roller. It’s older than time itself.
7. If you steal from the 7–11, may your Slurpee always be watery.
8. Do not covet thy neighbor’s microwave burrito. Get your own.
9. Preach the word of Abu with humor, for laughter is the greatest combo deal.
10. Remember the Great Snack Run, and keep it holy every Friday night.

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The Sacred Texts: The Slurpeean and the Holy Nachonomicon Our scriptures, folks, are nothing short of legendary. The Slurpeean, a swirling, rainbow-colored book, teaches us the science of life — like why the red Slurpee is always superior to the blue one. It’s backed by tremendous science, folks. Tremendous.

Then we have the Nachonomicon, a cheesy, crunchy guide to ancient wisdom. It reveals secrets like “The Meaning of the Universe is Hidden in the Bottom of a Doritos Bag.” It’s deep. Really deep.

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The Central Figure: Abu the Infinite Worker Now, let’s talk about Abu. What a guy. He’s not just a man. He’s a cosmic legend. Every 7–11 across the Universe? That’s his temple. The fluorescent lights? His divine glow.

Abu is always there, folks. Always. You might show up at 3 AM, after a breakup, after getting fired, or just because you needed that late-night Hot Pocket, and there he is. Quiet. Humble. Ringing you up, but also enlightening you with the wisdom of the cosmos.

Some say Abu is a prophet. Others say he’s just a guy trying to make rent. But we know the truth: Abu IS the Rent of the Universe.

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Miracles of Abu (They’re Unbelievable, Truly)

• He once turned an expired burrito into a fresh one. “Sell by 2018?” No problem.”
• Abu stopped a fight between two drunk dudes by handing them free Big Gulps.
• He found a sock that was lost in the dryer. This is the real proof of divinity.
• His Slurpee machine never breaks down, no matter how much people abuse it.

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The Teachings of Abu: Comedy, Science, and Snacks The Church of Abu is all about three things, folks: laughter, logic, and late-night munchies. Abu says, “Life is like a Slurpee — you never know what flavor you’ll get when the machine mixes weirdly.” This is deep wisdom. It’s like quantum physics but relatable.

We honor standup comedians as our modern-day prophets because, let’s face it, they tell the truth in a way that actually makes us listen. Abu loves science too. Big fan. Huge fan. He encourages us to question, to experiment, and to try weird combos at the soda fountain. “Is it good? Is it terrible? Who cares? You’re learning!”

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Our Worship: The Holy Snack Ritual Every Friday night, we gather at the nearest 7–11. We grab our nachos, our Slurpees, and our microwave burritos. Then we share jokes, stories, and the occasional conspiracy theory about why 7–11s never seem to close. It’s fellowship, folks, and it’s glorious.

The holiest day of the year? National Free Slurpee Day. On this sacred occasion, believers from all walks of life come together in harmony to sip the divine nectar of the gods.

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The Afterlife: The Great Convenience Store in the Sky Abu promises us that when we shuffle off this mortal coil, we’ll ascend to the Great 7–11 in the Sky. It’s stocked with unlimited snacks, the Slurpee machines never run out, and the bathroom is always clean.

But beware, sinners! If you fail to follow the Command-Snacks, you’ll end up in The Eternal Gas Station Restroom, where the air is thick with despair and questionable odors.

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Final Words The Church of Abu is the future of faith, folks. It’s funny, it’s smart, and it’s open 24/7, just like its namesake. So come, join us, and let the neon light of Abu guide your way. And remember, when life gets tough, there’s always a snack for that.

Praise be to Abu! And may your Slurpee always stay frosty.