This Is Not Feminism. This Is Patriarchy in a Costume.

Photo by chloe s. on Unsplash

I. This isn’t feminism. It’s patriarchy in disguise.

There is a pattern I keep watching replay itself, like a cursed loop, wearing new costumes, using new words, but always sustaining the same old extraction. It begins with a man, self-proclaimed feminist, saying something like: "Letting go of power is so hard… and other Men™ won’t support me… Women™ have more emotional intelligence, and I’m not saying that that means they should lead, I’m just saying they should help us evolve, help soothe our trauma, help us hold back the violence we might otherwise unleash." And the crowd claps. The comment section’s women nod. And anyone who says “Wait… this is messed up” gets accused of being mean, unkind, extremist, divisive, hostile, or even patriarchal. But here’s the truth: “Soothe me or else I’ll hurt you” is not vulnerability. It’s a threat. And cloaking it in language about growth, trauma, or evolution doesn’t change that. The moment someone says “Your job is to calm me down so I don’t become a monster,” what they’re really saying is: “You’re responsible for my violence.” “You’re responsible for my cruelty.” “You’re the reason I lose control.” That is not feminism. That is textbook patriarchy.

II. Emotional blackmail isn’t vulnerability.

Feminism does not ask women to mother men into non-violence by blaming them of their violence if not. Feminism does not demand that women hand over emotional labor like blood offerings. Feminism does not require that women apologize for the harm men refuse to take responsibility for. But in this loop, it does. In this loop, men’s entitlement gets reframed as “needs.” Women’s boundaries get reframed as “violence.” Third genders get erased out of the equarion. "Soft" bioessentialisms take root. Naming the pattern gets reframed as the real threat. And those who speak the truth are unfairly punished. If you say: “This man is manipulating people by framing coercion as growth,” they’ll say: “You’re projecting.” If you say: “This is weaponized vulnerability used to silence boundaries,” they’ll say: “You’re attacking someone’s healing journey.” If you say: “This entire setup expects women, as a monolith, to perform unpaid labor just to keep men from hurting them,” they’ll say: “You’re just bitter.” It’s the same script every time. And the people who name the script get cast as villains. Because patriarchy doesn’t just silence you with violence—it silences you with blame, with shame, with the threat of exile from your own so-called community. But let’s name it clearly: • “Letting go of power is hard” is not a reason to coerce more labor from those already bleeding. • “Support me or I’ll lash out” is not a request; it’s an ultimatum. • “Urges are natural” is not a fact; it’s an excuse. • “Women are so much better at emotions” is not a compliment; it’s a tool of coercion. Because in this setup, men’s work is not actually “letting go of power”—it’s demanding that women be the ones to carry that power’s consequences. And women’s work is not framed as letting go of their own internalized oppression. It’s to be the reason why men let go of theirs—"or else."

III. The trap of idealizing the oppressed.

Women in these spaces are told their role is not to dismantle patriarchy, but to soothe it while pretending to be dismantling it. To keep it calm. To keep it loved. To make sure it doesn’t explode. That’s not liberation. That’s hostage-taking. This idea that women, as a monolith, must prevent men, as a monolith, from turning into monsters by sacrificing themselves "because they have more EQ" or "are more caring" or similar excuses—that is internalized misogyny weaponized against other women. It’s patriarchy using women’s own trauma against them. And when women are applauded for applauding men who say these things, what we’re watching is a loyalty ritual to the system. Not to justice. Not to connection. Not to care. Because care is mutual. Care does not threaten you. Care does not say “or else.” And when they say: "But I’m just in pain…” as they demand you stay quiet, stay soft, stay soothing—they are saying: "Your pain matters less than my comfort." "Help me not become your problem." "I’m making my problem out to be yours." "I still see you as if existing in a hierarchy." And then they call that “healing.” But healing is not extraction. Healing is not built on your silence. Healing is not demanded through tears and blame and guilt and the threat of further harm or the continuation of the already-existing one.

IV. You can’t control others.

They say: “You not helping me is violence.” They say: “You not soothing me is betrayal.” They say: “You not sacrificing yourself means you’re part of the problem.” But you are not responsible for what others do. Not a fragment. Not a piece. Not a drop. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not dismantling patriarchy. They’re reenacting it. In softer lighting. With prettier words. But it’s the same script. And your refusal to play along is not cruelty. It’s clarity.

Disclaimer:

I’ll play devil’s advocate for a sec and say: people need to be free and safe to let go of their internalized kyriarchy (aka, their “trauma”), and that goes for both “internalized dominance” and “internalized submission” (aka, internalized hierarchy). Which means, that, technically speaking, these men do need… grace. Not forced emotional labor. Because the moment you force grace, it stops being grace. They do need care. That being said, so do their victims. So do women. And third genders. And literally everyone else. They demand care from the people they threaten, and yes, they need it… AND SO DO THE PEOPLE THEY THREATEN. So, what’s the difference? How do some people get to frame specific groups as "more deserving"? What is it? That the people they threaten… cannot threaten back? That the people they threaten can’t say “I have sex urges” like it’s nothing? (And another thing: if helping another person is done for the sake of them not harming you, that’s not care. That’s damage control.) How would you feel if someone told you “I have the urge to stab others in the eyes, but I repress myself, so I’m good”? Would you call the police? Would you frame the person as crazy? Yes, no, maybe. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know you. Every person is different. There is no single unified male-mind or female-mind. People are the sum of all their lived experiences, not the sum of all their DNA parts. And this is textbook patriarchy. “If men are less emotional, they should lead.” “If women have more EQ, they should serve.” You wanna know how oppression happens? Like this. “If men are stronger than women, that’s why they dominate.” “If Black slaves are stronger than white enslavers, they should work in the fields—enslaved.” “If he drank, it’s not his fault. If she drank, it was her fault.” The moment someone tries to understand oppression by following its excuses, they are going to enter a loop. Because it’s a loop. And all the excuses it uses are just that: excuses. So, no. The whole “women should serve because they have more EQ” is a good old textbook case on how idealizing the oppressed is yet another tool of oppression. It makes serving look like virtue. Then people take pride in their own sacrifice. I’m gonna say it again: you are not to blame for what other people do. For you to be blamed for what others do would be synonym with denying their agency. People have agency. That’s what it means to be alive. YOU CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They are not robots that you just get to push the right buttons into making them do X, Y, or Z. And if a woman blames you for what men—or others—do to her or to other women, she is not practicing feminism. That’s internalized misogyny. That’s patriarchy. 🩸🪨🔥🌊🕯🌌

V. Manual: how to recover symbolic pigments.

Step-by-step guide to creating your own natural dyes from scratch, starting with planting the right plants.

STEP 1: CHOOSE AND PLANT DYEING PLANTS

Which plants might you use? These are common dye plants that can be safely used on skin if prepared properly: • INDIGO (Indigofera tinctoria) – Blue dye. • REZEDA (Isatis tinctoria) – Light blue or grayish dye. • RUBIA (Rubia tinctorum) – Red or orange. • TURMERIC (Curcuma longa) – Yellow. • HENNA (Lawsonia inermis) – Red/rusty. • ONION (Allium cepa) – Dry skin produces browns and yellows. • HIBISCUS (Hibiscus sabdariffa) – Pinkish-reddish hue. • CALENDULA (Calendula officinalis) – Golden yellow. • SPINACH (Spinacia oleracea) – Light green. • MULBERRY (Morus nigra) – Violet hues. How to plant them? • Seeds: Direct sow in fertile soil, preferably composted. • Depth: 1 to 2 cm underground. • Watering: Regular, without flooding. • Light: All require full sun, at least 6-8 hours a day. When to plant? (Northern Hemisphere) • Spring: Most (lavender, indigo, turmeric, marigold, spinach). • Late winter: You can germinate in seedbeds and transplant. • Henna: Best in warm areas; indoors if it’s cold. Where? • Large pots or raised beds in the sun. • Well-drained soil, with organic matter. • Avoid shady or windy areas. When to Plant (Southern Hemisphere) • Spring (September to November) Most dye plants prefer this season for sowing: • Indigo (Indigofera tinctoria) • Turmeric (Curcuma longa) • Calendula (Calendula officinalis) • Spinach (Spinacia oleracea) • Hibiscus (Hibiscus sabdariffa) • Late Winter (August) Start seeds in trays or greenhouses, then transplant in early spring: • Rubia (Rubia tinctorum) • Reseda (Isatis tinctoria) • Onion (Allium cepa) (for skins) • Warm climates (Spring to Summer: Sept–Jan) Plants like Henna (Lawsonia inermis) thrive best in warmth. You can grow them outdoors if frost-free, or indoors if colder. What next? Once they’ve grown and you can harvest the flowers, leaves, or roots: • Harvest the useful parts (leaves, roots, flowers, depending on the plant). • Dry in the shade if not using fresh.

STEP 2: HOW TO PREPARE THE DYES

IMPORTANT NOTE: These dyes are intended for use on the face and body, not for eating or tattooing. Always test first on a small area of ​​skin (wrist or forearm) and wait 24 hours.

1. DRY THE USABLE PARTS Flowers (calendula, hibiscus): Dry in the shade on a cloth or mesh. Leaves (henna, spinach, indigo, mulberry): the same. Roots (maison): Wash well, cut into small pieces, and dry.
2. GRIND OR CHOP Once dry: Grind in a mortar and pestle or hand mill until you have a fine powder. Store in dry, opaque glass jars.
3. EXTRACTING THE COLOR (INFUSION OR MACERATION) A) Hot method (infusion or decoction) Boil 1 tablespoon of dried plant for every 1/2 cup of water. Cook over very low heat for 20-40 minutes, covered. Strain and let cool. Ideal for: turmeric, onion, madder, calendula, spinach. B) Cold method (maceration or fermentation) Leaves (e.g., indigo, henna, mulberry) soak in distilled water for 12-24 hours. Some leaves, like henna, improve with lemon juice and gentle heat.
4. THICKEN THE MIXTURE (optional) To apply as face paint: Add white clay (kaolin) or cornstarch to thicken. You can also use fresh aloe vera gel or vegetable oil (sesame, jojoba, olive) to create a safe, creamy paste.
5. APPLY Use with brushes, fingers, sticks, shells, or craft spatulas. Design personal or community symbols. Let dry or touch up. Remove with mild soap and water.

STEP 3: PRESERVING NATURAL SKIN DYES

1. CHOOSING THE CONTAINER Use dark glass jars (amber, green) with a tight-fitting lid. You can also use glazed ceramic containers sealed with natural cork. Avoid: plastics, uncoated metals, or containers that don’t close properly.
2. STORAGE METHODS ACCORDING TO THE STATE OF THE DYE A) POWDERED DYES (ground dried plants) They last up to 1 year if: Stored in a dark, dry, and cool place. Avoid humidity (you can add a rice bag or a cloth bag with activated charcoal to absorb moisture). B) LIQUID DYES (infusions, macerations) They last 1 week in the refrigerator if unpreserved. To extend the shelf life: Add a few drops of apple cider vinegar or lemon (acidic pH). Or a few drops of essential oil with antimicrobial properties: lavender, rosemary, tea tree (max. 0.5%).

   You can also freeze in ice cube trays and use portions as needed. C) PASTE DYES (mixed with aloe, clay, or oil) Store in a sealed glass jar. Keep refrigerated (lasts 1-2 weeks). Add a few drops of essential oil as a preservative if desired.

3. LABEL Preparation date. Ingredients used. Personal notes (color obtained, ritual use, etc.)

This post was written with assistance from ChatGPT, a Large Language Model (LLM), to help organize and articulate the ideas presented.