CORPORATE SATIRE

Critically Important Memo on the Marketing Department’s Paper Duplicating/Printing Machine

Review from beginning to end without pausing for that coffee latte mochachino frappe break in the lunchroom or to look up at the sea of people doing more productive things than you

Photo by Olena Kholina on Unsplash

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Dear colleagues,

We hereby regrettably inform you that the photocopier/printer device, located in room 3B west wing, is possessed.

We came to this unfortunate conclusion when the security team informed us of demonic screams emanating from said machine.

Do not panic.

Rest assured, we have informed Ms. Ina Peace, our perfectly competent ninja project manager, to initiate a new project to find an exorcism vendor.

This task is a little more complicated than we anticipated as “Corporate Ghostbusters” is not a category in the Yellow Pages.

Stay calm. Help is on the way.

Ina has contacted our company’s mascots, K-pop Demon Hunters. We await a callback.

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat two times. Proceed to read further.

We advise the following when using the photocopier.

• First, before you enter room 3B, rap LOUDLY on the Limetastic Green doorjamb. Whistle the tune “London Bridge is Falling Down”. If you do not know this tune, Google is your friend.
• Proceed slowly into the room, your first step must be your right foot. If you forget, say “Sorry” and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Do not return until you understand right and left.
• Finally, twirl clockwise and say “Hello” and proceed with what you need to do.
• Troubleshooting — if the display is flashing error code 666666666, bow and say “I am sorry, Grand Supreme. Please bestow me with the gift of my requested print or photocopy job.” Shivering in delightful anticipation is OPTIONAL.
• If the photocopier churns out more than your inputted job or is throwing papers messily about, do not even bat an eyelash. Literally, stop BLINKING.
• Expect reluctant mewling noises (akin to angry wet cats) if you are printing out slides with font size smaller than 70 points. Ignore.
• Stay stoic and have your best poker face.
• Pick up your work and do your best curtsy — point your pinkie fingers up.
• Leave by exiting backwards.
• We have supplied boxes of tissue outside the copy room. Please feel free to use as you sob uncontrollably from your terrifying experience.

Just know that you are not alone in this.

Your alternative is the photocopier on the fourth floor.

However, we believe there might be a cosmic portal to the sixth dimension right next to that machine.

These are merely suspicions at this point but we appear to be losing a lot of blue pens lately. Bob, our CEO, said that it is possible that Forces from another dimension have been stealing our blue pens to fashion into swords to fight in their world.

We have added extra yoga breathing videos at our HR portal. Password is “sillymonkeys”.

Take as much down time practicing your exhalations. We understand the need to escape this start-up’s ludicrous existence.

If you wish to work from home until the matter is resolved, you must submit a request to your manager and explain how you are allergic to garlic and cannot wear the supplied utilitarian and fashionable garlic leis.

We will review all requests in a timely manner. Our decision is one hundred percent dependent on what the Magic 8 ball says.

Please note that at this time, we have fully spent our annual exorcism and office equipment budgets and we do not intend on replacing the photocopier.

Consequently, we may have to raise funds by outsourcing the R&D team to a circus. We hope that rumours of their fire-eating capabilities are true. It will help save us from financial ruin.

We implore you to have patience in these haunting times.

Our office remains open if you have any questions. Please part the stringed curtain of talismans to enter.

Finally, you are welcome to bring old tattered childhood blankies to work.

We shall update you imminently when this matter has been thoroughly resolved.

Thank you for your cooperation.

More of Ina Peace and her band of fearless colleagues

Episode One Episode Two Episode Four

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