Faithfully Worn Down: God’s Grace in Weariness

Photo by Mel Elías on Unsplash

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? (Psalm 13:1 NLT)

This is one of the many times in Scripture that people have asked variations of “how long?” How long until something changes? How long until the promises are fulfilled? How long must I keep dealing with this same battle against this one sin? How long must I suffer this spiritual warfare? How long must I be faithful alone while everyone else flaunts around as if eternity doesn’t matter?

God’s people are not strangers to waiting. A lot of important decisions and outcomes have occurred after a significant amount of time waiting on God’s direction. Moses was 40 years old when he fled to Midian before delivering his people out of Egypt (40 years later, so he was 80 at the time of the exodus), Jesus prayed all night before choosing His apostles (after already being on earth for 30 years), and we’re still waiting ~2000 years later for the return of our Savior.

So we’re used to the wait; what makes it heavier is when we feel like we’re waiting on our own.

Yes, we are fully convinced that the God we serve is worth the wait. We have tasted and seen His goodness throughout our lives and we know that He loves us. Intuitively we know that we’re not really alone and that we’re all part of the same body whose head is Christ, but sometimes it feels like everyone has their own battle to fight and there’s no one to help or even care about what you’re facing. Or you feel shame for even asking for help because you feel like you shouldn’t be dealing with this struggle for this long. Or you feel like no one else will understand the struggle that comes with the spiritual gifts you have. And your struggle feels like a never-ending cycle of despair that comes from awful, recurring memories and intrusive thoughts. “I wasted so much time; I’m so far behind.” “It’s always gonna be this way.” “I don’t see how this is gonna change.” “Will I ever get a break?”

Sometimes, even with what we have seen God do in our lives, we have doubts.

Elijah was not a stranger to these feelings. We find the account of his life from 1 Kings 17:1 to 2 Kings 2:11, which is all a captivating read, but I’ll just focus on chapters 18 and 19. Just to give you background information, he was the Lord’s prophet, a Tishbite from Gilead who became an adult during an idolatrous time in Israel under King Ahab. Ahab was married to Jezebel, a woman who slew the Lord’s prophets. Ahab and Jezebel both served the false god Baal. By chapter 18, Elijah predicts a three-year drought as punishment against King Ahab’s idolatry, is fed by a raven near a brook, and provides for a widow and raises her son back to life. In short, Elijah is an anointed man that contends for God within a corrupt kingdom.

Now for some exposition.

In chapter 18, King Ahab had been looking for Elijah and sent word for surrounding nations to be on the lookout for him. Obadiah, a man who was in charge of Ahab’s house and also one who feared the Lord greatly, was scared to report to the king that Elijah spoke with him because he knew that the Lord could have Elijah disappear in an instant, and Ahab could kill Obadiah if he couldn’t present Elijah to Ahab. So Elijah goes to meet with the king. When Ahab asks him if he’s that troublemaker in Israel, Elijah was bold enough to retort that Ahab himself was the troublemaker because he was following after false gods.

To show the nation who is the true and living God, Elijah had Ahab gather all of Israel and the 450 prophets of Baal to Mount Carmel for a contest: both Elijah and the 450 prophets of Baal were to build an altar and to lay a butchered bull on it as a sacrifice, but without setting it on fire. Elijah would call on the Lord and the prophets would call on Baal. Whoever answered with fire would be considered God. Elijah let the prophets go first since there were a lot of them. In a rather comical fashion, he taunted them when they called on Baal because they were yelling all day and cutting themselves trying to get him to send fire to burn up their offering.

Around noon, Elijah mocks, “Yeah I don’t think y’all are loud enough. (450 men not being loud enough is crazy.) Maybe he’s daydreaming or using the bathroom the long way. Maybe he’s on vacation or drooling in bed, who knows?!” (Loose paraphrase.)

Surprise, surprise: no one answered the men and no one paid attention.

Now it’s evening. Elijah takes 12 stones (representing the 12 tribes of Israel) and repairs the altar in the name of the Lord, digs a trench around it big enough to hold about three gallons, piles wood on the altar, cuts the bull to pieces, lays the pieces on the wood, and has the people fill four large jars with water and pour it all on the offering and the wood 3 times so that it spills into the surrounding trench. Just flexing on the devil the whole time. Finally he calls upon the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to answer him, to prove that the Lord was God, to prove that he was His servant, and that He was calling everyone to Himself again. Then the Lord sends fire from Heaven to consume the bull, wood, stones, dust, and to lick up all the water in the trench around the repaired altar, and the people feared the Lord and fell on their faces. Elijah had them capture the prophets of Baal and he himself executed all of them, and then prophesied that the three-year drought is coming to an end.

After bowing down on top of the mountain, he sends his servant seven times to see if there’s anything out at sea, and the servant says that he sees a cloud about the size of a man’s hand coming from the sea. Elijah sends word for Ahab to go home quickly because the rain will stop him if he tarries any longer. The sky became dark quickly, and as Ahab rode in the chariot, the Lord empowered Elijah to run faster than the chariot.

To recap, we see a man who’s clearly chosen by and faithful to God. Elijah performed miracles, accurately prophesied the beginning and end of the drought, was bold enough to rebuke the idolatrous king, executed 450 men after dunking on them, and ran faster than a horse. Quite a story, right?!

Then we get to chapter 19. Ahab told Jezebel about everything that happened on Mount Carmel. Jezebel issued a death threat against Elijah. Upon hearing about this, Elijah becomes so depressed that he goes to sit by himself under a broom tree and prays that he would die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he says. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” He lays down to sleep, but then an angel wakes him up to eat baked bread and drink water. He goes back to sleep and then the angel does the same again, cautioning him to eat again or else he won’t survive the 40-day journey to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God. He reaches the mountain and spends the night in a cave.

At the mountain, God asks him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

Elijah replied, “I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.”

God tells him to go out and stand before Him on the mountain. As he does so, the Lord passes by him. Following the Lord are a mighty windstorm powerful enough to loosen rocks, an earthquake, and a fire. But the Lord was not in any of that. Instead, there was a gentle whisper, a still, small voice, and immediately Elijah covered his face with a cloak and stood at the cave’s entrance.

They repeat the conversation they just had, but this time the Lord responds differently, telling him to go back the same way he came and go to the wilderness of Damascus. There he would anoint Hazael as king of Aram, Jehu grandson of Nimshi as king of Israel, and Elisha son of Shaphat to replace him as the Lord’s prophet. The people who corrupted themselves with Baal that Hazael didn’t kill would be killed by Jehu, and the rest would be killed by Elisha. And the Lord would preserve 7,000 others in Israel who never bowed down to or kissed Baal.

Then Elijah meets Elisha, who is plowing with a team of oxen. Elijah throws his cloak on Elisha’s shoulders, which communicates to Elisha that it’s time to follow him. So to make sure he can’t come back, Elisha slays his oxen, burns the plow to cook them, shares the cooked oxen with his people, and then leaves to become Elijah’s assistant.

There’s a lot to unpack as we move from chapter 18 to chapter 19. Elijah has been alone for most of his ministry, and he relished in that when he was participating in the contest. But then he felt the weight of his loneliness when the death threat was issued. Even with all of the feats he had both witnessed and participated in, and having just experienced victory in a marvelous display of God’s power, he was still susceptible to the crippling depression that confined him to the shade of a solitary broom tree.

It was like all that time that he spent being faithful to God in an unfaithful land was gradually wearing him down, and the death threat was the tipping point.

If you ever feel like you are blessed and highly favored and therefore shouldn’t be dealing with depression (whether seasonal or clinical), please don’t feel ashamed or beat yourself up for feeling this way. Elijah was on top of the world and then was brought so low. He had plenty of faith and he was led by the Spirit of God, and yet he got hit so hard with depression that he prayed that he might die. Acknowledging your feelings of anxiety or depression is not a lack of faith or “claiming it”; it’s being honest. It doesn’t make you any less faith-filled or any less chosen by God. It makes you human.

This is the humanity of Elijah. He was honest with God and prayed exactly what he was feeling. “God, just let it all end.” Absolutely depleted. He even went to sleep hoping that he would not wake up. And look how the Lord responded: not with a sermon, not with admonishment, not even with words at first; He gave him baked bread and water.

Sometimes our problems don’t need spiritual solutions. Sometimes we need our natural needs met so that our nervous system can be regulated. God didn’t berate Elijah with a lecture about how he should be joyful; He met his physical needs before ever saying anything. He’s El Roi — the God who sees. He sees you and He sees what you actually need. He’s a provisional God who is willing and able to meet your physical and spiritual needs, and He’s wise enough to know when you need which kind of help.

Though he was just victorious in the contest with a spectacular showing of God’s power, and after having killed 450 prophets of Baal and outrunning a chariot, he was still vulnerable enough to succumb to depression. And the wonderful part is that God didn’t get upset about him being depressed. David says that God remembers our frame and knows that we are dust in Psalm 103. He knows how frail we are and the pressures that surround us. And as our High Priest, Jesus sympathizes with the weakness of man and He has been tempted in all ways, yet without sin. So we can go to Him boldly (Hebrews 4:15–16) with the assurance that He’ll listen and understand when the waves of anxiety and depression overwhelm us, and He’ll guide us to the harbor of His safety.

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust.” (Psalm 91:1–2 NKJV)

Elijah was depressed because he thought he was the only prophet left. So God told him to anoint Hazael as king of Aram, Jehu as king of Israel, and Elisha as the Lord’s next prophet. And he would preserve 7,000 others. God was showing Elijah that it’s not all on him; He had a community for him. My friend, it’s not all on you, though it may feel that way. Before you were even a thought, and even while you were still young, God has been preparing your community for a specific purpose at this specific time. The help you need has already been prepared. The Lord is still sovereign.

Even so, the Lord did not shun Elijah for venting to Him about his ordeal. He understands just how terrified he must’ve been. This is someone who the Lord sent, who has done miracles and signs, brought a widow’s son back to life, and even after the Lord appeared to him, he still felt terrified. Perhaps feeling like “I’m tired of being the only faithful one. What’s the point? I’m no better than my ancestors.” Remember that, although He is Lord of all creation and King of the universe, God is also a concerned Dad. And just like any good dad, the Lord had a plan in place to help His son when he became weary.

God gave Elijah rest, food, and people. He had met all of his needs: his physical need, his biological need, and his relational need — He left no gap. There’s a plan designed for you for when you have been faithfully worn down.

Let’s revisit what took place during his conversation with the Lord. There was a windstorm, an earthquake, and a fire. These were big signs that communicated power, but the Lord was not in any of those displays. He was in the gentle whisper. He personally came to see about Elijah and approached him tenderly. I don’t wanna rush past this because God is grand and awesome in power, and He has the soothing nature that comforts you in times of distress. Rest in that truth.

Elijah knew that God — in all His holiness — was approaching him, so he covered his face. He knew what the voice of the Lord was like. Likewise, we must be diligent to train ourselves to know what His voice is like. We have an advantage that Elijah didn’t have: the Holy Spirit — God’s Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead — lives within us and speaks to us all the time. And if you’re like me and you don’t hear His audible voice (or even if you do hear it), be diligent to know His word. Study His promises. Pursue and perfect holiness (2 Corinthians 7:1; Hebrews 12:14). Read about how He responded to His anointed ones in the scriptures, and learn His character so that you can see how He may move in various seasons (we can’t predict what He does). He is holy in the highest degree of emphasis, fully set apart from anything we have ever known. And He has a rhythm, and it would behoove us to learn and move with His rhythm.

As an aside, it’s worthy to note that the Lord appeared to Moses at that same place many years prior to the Lord appearing to Elijah. And it was those same two that appeared with Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration centuries later. God holds a special place for His people, a continuity across centuries that they themselves don’t see. The servant’s heart that you have for God is never in vain, and the work you do for Him reverberates for years after you’re gone.

My friend, God is not a distant God that doesn’t care about your sufferings, but He’s within you and He’s very concerned about you. The real you. Not just the good parts of you that you show others, but the you that doesn’t know what to say, the you that clears your search history after trying to cope with your own loneliness, and the you that just wants to stop feeling everything.

You can be exhausted, faithful, and depressed all at the same time — and God meets you there without shame, with exactly what you need.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23)

God bless you and thank you for reading :-)