Desire and Request

Expanding Choice and Consciousness in Relationship

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

[Author’s Note: This essay was first written circa 2008 and eventually posted as a Facebook Note. Facebook since discontinued support for that feature (FB Notes) a few years ago. This essay originated out of observations I made while I was full-time research resident in the Warehouse OMer Community from 2006–2008.]

Most people in romantic or sensuous relationships in this country [the U.S.] have collapsed the distinction (or difference) between ‘speaking a desire of theirs’ and ‘making a request to fulfill that desire.’

What I discovered in my research one year with my lover was that when she had a desire in her body and spoke that desire congruent with what was in her body (no weakening, soft-pedaling, or cloudy speech), the alignment caused a pleasurable release in my body and in hers. And this, without actually acting on the desire!

A key piece was separating out … that she had a desire and was communicating what that desire was … from her actually making a request to fulfill that desire.

Without that separation, quite of bit of juggling goes on in her head as she frantically evaluates whether I am going to ‘spontaneously’ act on her spoken desire … and whether she approves of that or not … and whether she approves of approving of that or not!

So, I created that speaking the desire is not a request. This proved enormously beneficial to both of us. She could concentrate on simply telling her truth … speaking her desire congruent to what she felt in her body … with no obligation / expectation by either of us to act on it. And I no longer had to:

1. Figure out what her desire was.

2. Figure out whether she was telling me the truth or not.

3. Figure out whether she was lying to herself about her desire.

4. Figure out whether I wanted to fulfill her desire in that instant.

5. Figure out whether she expected me to fulfill her desire in that instant.

6. Figure out whether — if I fulfilled her desire — she would punish me or approve of me.

A big part of the reason that many women do not speak their desires is this cloud of calculations needs to be navigated, and it can be very intimidating. So instead, they want a partner who will simply intuitively know what they want without the women speaking it.

Distinguishing this created a huge opening for connection with my lover. My job became very simple:

1. Notice what my body felt before she stated her desire and after.

2. Read whether she had spoken her desire powerfully, fully, and truthfully.

3. Support her in bringing her truth (true desire) forth.

That meant no poaching on the spoken desire, by sweetly and wordlessly beginning to fulfill it. And finding a way to approve of her desire without giving up my ability later to choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a request (from her) to fulfill that desire.

Once that is done, I have heard her desires. I know that they are hers. I am clear on what they are. And if she makes an explicit request of me to fulfill a desire later, she is taking responsibility for her turn-on, she is in her power. I have access to fulfilling her desire and receiving her approval. And that means she doesn’t need to hide herself or her turn-on, and I can be fearless with her.

Speaking a desire is not the same as making a request. Collapsing these two is the source of a kind of mashing practiced by both sexes.

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