Jeeves and the Stain

“What ho, Jeeves”, I said. “What ho, what ho, what ho!’ The last one just in case the previous ones had not quite made the point.

“ Warm felicitations to you as well, Sir.”

“Well, what ho!”

“As you say, Sir, what ho indeed.”

Having dispensed with the necessary formalities, it was time to move the conversation along. “So, you wanted to see me?” Its not too often that Jeeves wanted to see me. But, the poor man must have finally come around to his senses and realized the genius of the Bertram Wooster. We Woosters are known for our great minds.

The bloke was clearly vexed. His upper lip even quivered a bit.

“Yes, Sir. It is a matter of some delicacy”.

Delicacy usually meant only one thing — Anatole was going to go on a culinary rampage. But that could not be it, as the poor chap was stuck in France with some virus or horrible little pestilence. So no French cuisine extravaganza. The alternatives were frightening.

“Is it Aunt Agatha? Has she found a way to hitch me to Madeline again? Good heavens, man, that is not a matter of delicacy! That is a national emergency, to be handled on a war footing!”

“No, Sir. Lady Gregson is quarantined in her castle and has had little time to attend to your marital status, distressing as it is for her”.

“Well, then what? Has good old Augustus Fink Nottle been thrown out of the Drone’s club? Or has Honoria Glossop tied the knot with Bingo Little? That is not a matter of delicacy! That is worth celebrating!” It would get Honoria out of my life and ground Bingo and nothing could be better than that. Even I got tired of bailing Bingo out of the poker.

“No Sir, none of those probabilities have come to pass.”

“Well, then man, what is it? Spit it out!. Don’t just stand there like a fish, opening and closing your mouth.”

“It has to do with your, um, bowel habits, Sir.”

“My bowel habits? There is nothing wrong with my habits. Everything is as habitual as they are supposed to be” I sniffed. The arrogance of the man. There are somethings an Englishman doesn’t talk about, even with his manservant. The nerve of him to bring that up!

“Well, Sir, it wasn’t so much as the habits, it was what was in them that was of some concern.”

That was too much. Is there no privacy or sanctity in an English home anymore?

“I say, old chap, have you been poking into the loo?” It was as I feared. After all these years of service, he had finally cracked. It was time for a manly talk. “Take a holiday Jeeves. This moment of madness will pass.”

“No, Sir, I have not been poking, as you so succinctly put it, in the loo. But I did notice a stain in your trousers from last night’

He was right. This was rather delicate.

“Well, it was the Indian takeout we got last night. It was a little hot, if you know what I mean.”

“Maybe, Sir, but the color was red, so it could not have been the takeout.”

“The takeout had chilies, and those are red, so it has to be those. Jeeves, that is all there is to it. Lets not talk about this silliness anymore!”

“Unfortunately, Sir, it has to be addressed. Your monthly allowance mandates that all health related issues be handled promptly”.

“Dash it, Jeeves, I can’t do anything right now. All doctors offices are closed. Besides, no one needs to know, right?” I winked,

“ I believe I can take care of the matter, Sir!”. Excellent. He was seeing it my way, bending to the superior will of the Woosters. He disappeared in a wink of the eye, coattails and all, only to appear a moment later. Under his arms was a box of gloves and a jar of petrolatum jelly.

“Good heavens, Jeeves, you cant be serious! This is completely ridiculous! You have no medical training!”

“I’ll have you know, Sir, that my cousin Archibald, thrice removed on my mothers side, was a paramedic during the war!”

“You are not Archibald Jeeves! Let him come and examine!” That would put things off till I thought a decent way out of this.

“Unfortunately, cousin Archibald is no longer amongst us. He was run over by an Indian take out a few months ago. But he did impart a significant amount of training to me, which I studied assiduously. I am quite competent to evaluate the matter at hand and report accordingly to Lady Gregson. I’m sure my report will permit continued issue of those monthly cheques.”

Well, he had me over a barrel. Gosh darn it, it was either get examined or it was toodle doo and pip pip to the allowance.

“Ok Jeeves, go ahead”.

As I unbuckled my belt, I glanced at Jeeves. His face was impassive as ever, but I could have sworn there was a hint of smile on those lips. And a glint in his eyes.