Allowing Your Niece To Use You As Toilet Paper

Aunty Asshole flushes the problem away.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Dear Aunty Asshole,

I’ve screwed myself by being a good person.

My husband’s twenty-three-year-old niece moved in with us after freeloading off a friend. She had no place to live and no steady work. She’s an aspiring actress, which means she needs to keep her schedule open in case she gets $90 to appear in the background of a menstruation leakage commercial.

We live in a home just under 1,100 sq. ft., a place so small and echo-prone that you can hear a fucking fart from the bathroom down the hall. I sacrificed my home office so she could have a bedroom. I even bought her a new bed because her mattress looked like a frat-house communal bed — even a black light would run screaming.

In exchange for her free ride, I asked for a few things: get a full-time job, clean up the house a few hours a week, and respect the household sleep schedule. You know — basic fucking decency.

Instead, she gifted me with a seasonal part-time job waiting tables and daily thirty-minute showers that would fill Lake Arrowhead. She’s a teenage twat playing an adult who wears crop tops and flip-flops to job interviews. A young woman who treats our home like a hotel with no checkout time and state-of-the-art housekeeping by yours truly.

One afternoon, I took a nap, and when I woke up, the front door of my house was wide open, like a burglar’s invitation. My dogs were loose in the neighborhood like two little inmates. Later, I was scolded by a fucking postal worker as if I were the pet parent of vicious creatures.

My husband wakes up at 4 a.m. for work. She comes home after 11 p.m. on a Tuesday, triggering a canine welcome wagon complete with screeching and urination.

I’m tired, annoyed, and honestly, fucking resentful. I am one open door away from becoming the bitch who hides the toilet paper, hands out daily chore lists, and enforces a weekday curfew like this is a fucking halfway house.

I need her gone, but if I ask her to leave, I’ll be known as the evil aunt who crushed a young woman’s dreams of being a kept starlet.

So, tell me, Aunty Asshole: Do I gently encourage independence? Do I tell her we are moving and forget to invite her?

Or, do I change the locks and claim memory loss?

Sincerely, Almost Out of Fucks

Dear Almost Out of Fucks,

So, how do you like being used as toilet paper by your niece? She is wiping her ass all over you, and you allow it.

She sounds like she needs an education: The School of Hard Knocks. You probably remember that school; I surely do. She has to learn how to live, and you’re coddling her and not allowing her to grow up. You may as well breastfeed her the way you’re acting.

Yes, YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are assholes for putting up with this shit.

Have a meeting, the three of you. Your husband will need to attend. He can be the Evil Uncle to Your Evil Aunt. She’s a byproduct of his fucking family, not yours. Both of you tell her she has a week to find a new place to live because it isn’t working out at your house. Show her your list of complaints if she can’t understand why you wouldn’t want her wonderful presence in your household.

Do you really care what she or the rest of his family thinks? She is a loser, and the rest of the family seems to have written her off.

Don’t give her a second more. If she can’t find a place to live, she will have to go to social services and/or live in her car. At twenty-three, she is not a child. She is an adult in an adult world, and these are the hard facts. No more free ride!

Also, if your husband won’t stand up to the plate, you might want to rethink this relationship. Any guy who would allow this in his home and not secure a stress-free atmosphere for his wife to live in isn’t worth it. Perhaps he and the niece could find a nice two-bedroom place together and live happily among the cockroaches and the $ 500-a-month water bill.

I hope my advice has helped. You deserve a peaceful home, not putting up with a freeloading twat who has used you and others for a free ride. You deserve to fart whenever you damn well please in your home.

Sincerely,

Aunty Asshole

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