is it better to speak or to die?

Is it better to speak or to die? 12 year old me probably would say “to speak” surely, without thinking for a second. Speak, of course, you should choose to speak, to stand up for yourself, for your feeling. You definitely speak about things that disturbs you right?

Thats the only way to feel relieved, only way to lighten the burden on your shoulders.

But the thing is, sometimes speaking is dying too.

When you open your chest to someone, hoping that they would understand, at least try that, but instead of that they just listen, they just nod, they just stare.

So do not pour your heart out to someone who does not speak your language. Otherwise you will have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.

But then there is silence, not bothering yourself to speak. It sounds careless, right?

You keep everything in it, you bite your tongue, you act like nothing bothers you.

That’s what my mom does. But I see her die everyday. She buries her feeling so deep that even maybe she has forgotten what it looked like in the light. Sometimes I see her crying, but she does that in silence too. But silence is a slow death.

So is it better to speak or to die?

Honestly, I don’t know either.

But I know that both are forms of dying.

Both kills you, whether you want or not. There is a slice different tho.

Speaking might kill you faster, it might not. I once came across a line that perfectly captures this: “What’s the point of knocking on a deaf person’s door forever? — Maybe they will come out to take out the trash.” There is a tiny chance of it. But that tiny chance is exactly what hope is.

But if you don’t want to risk it, or wait forever, just write. Write when you are happy, hopeless, excited, lonely. Because it’s better to write, rather than to wait that someone would eventually understand you.