Having ‘The Talk’ With Gran

Educating our elderly for better health and relationships

Photo by Jaddy Liu on Unsplash

I got my first period at twelve. It happened at school and even though I knew what it was, I felt a bit embarrassed. When I got home, I wanted to solve it myself at first, but then I decided to tell my gran.

She took me home with her and called my mum, while my grandpa was sitting opposite from me at the table, waiting for dinner to be served. All he said was: “Remember that from now on, you can get pregnant. So be careful.” And that was it. One cringeworthy moment that I’d rather never think about again, but it’s etched in my memory.

Now, as I am approaching 30 and my gran 81, we can be slightly more relaxed about the subject of all things sex. Still, it is not a topic easily broached by this generation of baby boomers.

My gran, now widowed, no longer has any interest in dating, but she recently mentioned that a lot of people her age, who find themselves in a similar situation to her own, do. Even some of her old friends who are now living in the local nursing home have, in her words, ‘one boyfriend after the other.’

Good for them, I thought. No matter your age, you still crave and deserve intimacy. The desire to be seen, loved, and held is universal. If you’ve spent your entire adult life living with someone, it must be nearly unbearable for some to suddenly find yourself alone in a house that is too large, a bed that’s always cold.

But us young folk don’t like to think about old people having sex. Our culture, even more explicit and visual since the advent of internet porn, has conditioned us to imagine sex only between healthy, young and attractive people. And so anyone who does not fit those criteria who still wants intimacy and a sex life is considered — dare I say it? — a bit gross.

Considering most of us don’t like to imagine wrinkly bums and drooping breasts, we also cringe at the thought of discussing the subject with the old folks in our lives. And yet, we really should. Because their sexual, and therefore overall, health is under threat due to a lack of awareness about safe sex.

While loneliness among the elderly is a true epidemic and intimacy a subject often left untouched, millennials and Gen Z can be part of the solution by promoting open communication. We are after all, the first generations that pride themselves on all those hours spent working on ourselves in and out of therapy and learning to talk about our feelings.

STI diagnoses like syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea are still on the rise in the population aged 55 and over. These are the people who, like most of us, have physical needs, but don’t need to worry about unwanted pregnancy anymore. And since this is usually one of the main reasons that most of us think about using contraceptives, older folks dispense of all methods all together and forget about the fact that you can still get nasty illnesses if you don’t use condoms.

And yet very few, if any, sex education is provided for this age group. Because old people shouldn’t be having sex in our minds. But they are. Many of them are having more sex than you. And that’s a wonderful thing, as long as it’s safe.

We, the generation of their grandkids, who have probably learnt a great deal more about sexual health from a young age, have to be willing to go into a dialogue with the elderly people we love the most in the world — especially those who are single and ready to mingle. We have the knowledge to inform them on what to look out for and save them a whole host of health complications.

Old people shouldn’t be having sex in our minds. But they are. Many of them are having more sex than you. That’s a wonderful thing, as long as it’s safe.

Yes, most STIs are curable or very manageable, but imagine getting syphilis at 80. Even if you don’t have any other major health concerns, the course of antibiotics your doctor will inevitably prescribe will weaken your immune system — which is not as strong as when you were 20 — inviting the possibility of other illnesses finding their way into your body. This way, though most can be dealt with, STIs can still kill off elderly people. And it will all be because no one ever told them that a condom is a fantastic invention, even if you’re no longer running the risk of getting pregnant.

We should take the conversation even further, not just talking about the depressing consequences unprotected sex can have. We should address the subject of pleasure, tailored to an older audience. Has gran ever heard of lube? Has grampa ever thought of toys instead of once again upping his dosage of Viagra that no longer does the trick?

There are so many ways for humans to experience pleasure, but most of us still think about penis-in-vagina when we hear the word ‘sex.’ As you grow older, some things are just not as self-evident as they used to be. Certain organs do not obey your command, not everything can lubricate itself properly anymore and not all positions are accessible if you have to use a walker to get to the greengrocer’s around your corner.

Imagine how much we could reduce the risk of heavy falls by thinking with our elderly about how they can move safely and to the best of their ability in and outside of the bedroom. No matter the cause, you don’t want Nan in the hospital with a broken hip. Because the truth is, she might never leave again.

And then there’s the matter of communication and consent. This also is not something previous generations grew up learning about. Yet they too could benefit so much from learning to safely bring up what they like and don’t like or that it’s okay to say ‘stop’. This can only make the experience itself more safe and enjoyable for everyone, and not just on a physical level.

While loneliness among the elderly is a true epidemic and intimacy a subject often left untouched, millennials and Gen Z can be part of the solution by promoting open communication.

Educating our elderly on what safe sex means and how they can enjoy it, tailored to their needs, can be truly enriching for all parties. We don’t risk losing our grandparents unnecessarily to intimacy-related illnesses that could have been prevented, and they go out into the dating world equipped with knowledge that will protect their health and that of their partner and perhaps even result in a better, more pleasurable time for all.

So next time you see your grandparents or your favorite elderly neighbor who’s dating, start the conversation. Or leave a packet of condoms and leaflets about sexual health at the local nursing home. I guarantee you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the curiosity and willingness to learn you’ll encounter.

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