Dearest Metamour,

I’m polyamorous in part because I want my partner to be happy. I’ve written about this specifically as the very foundation of my entry into this life. Loving someone to me, is wanting them happy- no matter what. As a polyamorous person dating another polyamorous person, I know that other people/specific partners make my partner happy. Seeing them happy makes me happy, very happy! (s/o compersion). I love knowing that if I’m tired or I want to eat fish or I need to be somewhere else- that my partner is happy and fulfilled and having a great fun or peaceful time with their other partner. (Not that they only hang out when I’m busy, it’s about balance and equity people!) So I love love love the benefits my partner gets from their other romantic relationships.

AND ALSO

I want my metamour to be happy! They deserve to be happy! We’re not dating, we don’t necessarily hang out- but we are undeniably connected through the person/people we both love. Many of my meta’s I wouldn’t even call friends, just because our interests don’t necessarily align (and bc I‘m not a very friendly person). Not being friends isn’t a downvote, it’s just realism sometimes. But we still have a connection, and a relationship, and great taste! I want my meta to get the best moments with our partner as well, they deserve it. As long as they’re treating our lover well, I actively want their connection to grow and flourish.

I think the point I’m looking at is that while compersion is awesome and good, it’s a word that is focused on yourself and how you feel about your partner(s) other relationships. Compersion is great to feel and experience, seeing your partner be happy with another person. I just want to highlight that as a human person, in this terrible hellscape of a society, my metamour should be happy in their own right. I don’t just get happy seeing my meta make my partner(s) happy, I’m pleased when our partners are making my meta’s happy. A gushy mushy consideration of being a polyamorous person is that we have a lot of love and affection to share. I think, overall, we feel that most people deserve to be loved and they deserve to experience joy related to the things and people they love. I don’t have to be KTP or even hang out or even explicitly like my meta’s, to know that they are worthwhile people who deserve the best life possible. Also idiosyncratic point here, not liking someone is DIFFERENT than actively disliking them. I’m saying you don’t have to have particular affection for these folks, not that you should treat them like an annoying sibling.

I am very good at killing plants. I’ve killed all kinds of plants; I water them too much, I water them too little, I don’t put holes in their houses, I accidentally feed them energy drinks. You know, you get it. This has nothing to do with my metaphorical point but just know I will kill your unkillable cactus if given the responsibility.

Uuuuuum, ok yes, so community gardens. Our shared partners, (friends), or lovers are a community garden- a community project. Obviously when I go to tend the garden, my main thought is how to benefit the flowers and plants themselves. What will make them thrive, be bright and big and beautiful. And most of my actions are going to be about benefiting the flowers. If I go not to tend the garden, but to reap my reward- my focus would be appreciating the beauty and comfort of this space. This relationship I have tended and cared for, both for the flowers’ prosperity and for my own. A community garden is started with a specific goal, of community enjoyment, and shared responsibility. When others go into the garden, I know they are usually there to tend the same flowers I love. They are there to water and weed, and work to make the flowers grow. They want these plants to be as ebullient and gorgeous as I do; and so their work in the garden makes me happy- and it is a gift both to myself and to our flowers. And when spring comes, and petals stretch out, or when fall shares a new color pallet in and amongst our refuge; the plants are not selfish. They give their beauty, their life, and their energy to you and to everyone else. To see another gardener watering the flora and caring for our plants brings me joy for our flowers. Seeing the other gardner sit down, smell the roses, and revel in their own personal relationship with the garden also brings me joy.

In sum, I wanted to highlight a meaningful relationship that polyamorous people get to have which monogamous people do not. And I hope we don’t take it for granted. Your meta is a whole person, and regardless of what happens in my own relationships- they deserve to be happy and thriving.

P.s. I realize the title of this post implied it would be written in letter format to my metamour. Clearly it isn’t (oops). Get punked.