Pete Hegseth Jokes

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How does Pete Hegseth get that steely visage that he has?

From head-butting oncoming tanks.

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How does Pete Hegseth get the stamina for making all those babies by different women?

A really top notch meth supplier.

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What tattoo of Hegseth is his favorite?

The one on his butt cheek with an arrow pointing inward that says “Reset Button here”.

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How many push ups can Hegseth do at one time?

Normally 50. If a woman is under him at the time then he can do 100.

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What are the rules for Hegseth’s kids when he is around?

For the boys, exercising and military training.

For the girl’s learning to be obedient in all ways, to be obedient to a Christ who is OK with violence and having sex before they are married and with men who are already married.

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What is a fun night at the Hegseth house?

Emptying a beer can, setting it on a post and shooting it without hitting any neighbors.

Keep working at it until you fall down drunk or hit a neighbor. Then have a rousing fight over who will drive him or her to the hospital even though your driver’s license is expired…..

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What do you do when it’s MAGA Party Night with the guys at your place?

It’s eating hot dogs and pretzels for the first hour, beer and bourbon for the second hour, a snort of cocaine or a shot of meth for the third hour, chasing rabbits and deer and local dogs on 4 wheelers for hour four, applying splints and bandages for hour five and racing to the hospital for hour 6,7,8 both for the 4 wheeler victims and for all the victims on the various auto crashes on the way to the hospital(s), hour nine- chasing foreigners and darker races in your neighborhood around with clubs and guns for the ninth hour or until you pass out.

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What is the Hegseth type of girl’s qualities in the proper Hegseth order?

1- Being easy (Most important!) 2- Decent looking (in a MAGA sort of way)- NOT being a hippie chick (unless they have big, bouncy uppers!) 3-Wearing short skirts or easy to remove clothing. 4- Are willing to do ANYTHING! 5- Understanding that the man is the BOSS ALWAYS no matter what! 6. Will help the man to bed or at least someplace flat if he passes out. 7. Will not file for child support if something goes wrong.

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What are the requirements for being on Hegseth’s team?

1- Have some form a White Power tattoo.

2- Be white.

3- Have some form of military training or at least have credentials from some sort of city gang (white only; some chicanos allowed). Being a member in good standing with the KKK or some other form of white supremacy group.

4- Being a Christian, but only one who is OK with violence. We don’t want of these lovey dovey hippie or peacenik types. Only the warlike Christian soldier types.

5.- Being proficient at speaking BS when need be or under observance. This is an ESSENTIAL quality!!!!

6. Know some sort of fighting ability- martial arts, fist fighting, kick boxing, sneaking up and whacking someone from behind, professional full on lynching,- that sort of thing.

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Why did Trump promote Hegseth as being Secretary of War?

He wanted someone around who would look even more foolish than him by comparison.

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Why did Trump change the name of Hegseth’s branch of government from being titled the Department of Defense to the Secretary of War?

Because the Department of War sounded more macho and the Department of Defense sounded too wimpy and Democratic. Hegseth doesn’t want a name that might make him sound gay.

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Why does Hegseth not want women in the military?

A.- Because they make him look wimpy too often.

B.- Because they distract him too much.

C. Because there is too much chance one of them might take his job from him.

E. Because he gets too many of them pregnant…