How Ignorance Hurts and Connection Heals in Marriage?

And why marriage works best when playing as one team

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

Recently, I’ve read the biographies of two very successful men — Elon Musk and Steve Jobs.

Both achieved remarkable success in their careers, building great products and companies. Yet both of them also suffered deeply from challenges in their family relationships.

I realized their issues have much in common. Which even ordinary men — myself included — can fall into.

In this article, I will explain what I’ve learned from their struggles. And how I would approach solving them, drawing on my own experiences.

Ignorance is torture

There is no doubt that both Jobs and Musk are brilliant at their work. No matter if I personally like them or not.

But given the enormous size of their companies, work-life balance is almost always out of reach. And that kind of imbalance can create tremendous stress in any marriage or family.

In Musk’s biography, the author interviewed one of his ex-wives. She summed up their marriage in three words: “Ignorance is torture.”

Those words have stayed with me ever since.

I am not a CEO, and I am not running any multi-million dollar company. Still, I am very focused on my work. And I hate being interrupted in the middle of anything. For instance, when I am working on my iOS apps or writing this very article.

In the past, whenever my wife asked me to help while I was working, I used to feel really frustrated. Because my train of thought was lost, and I had to find my way back to the “zone” again.

But now, I’ve learned to put myself in her shoes. What would I feel if my partner kept ignoring me when she was busy?

I’ve learned to pause, or at least to acknowledge her presence.

Of course, there are still moments when I can’t stop everything right away. But I make it a point to acknowledge her first, explain what I’m doing, and let her know I’ll be with her in a minute.

You might be wondering: this works in the moment, but is there anything else you can do beforehand to help?

Keeping the connection

Yes, there is. And there are multiple ways to do it.

The main idea is to spend time together. But under one condition: the time must be just for the two of you. Nobody else.

So, dinner time with your kids doesn’t count. Neither does driving them to school together every morning.

You need time reserved only for the two of you. Not once or twice a week, but every single day.

Some couples go jogging together in the evenings. Others prefer to chat every night after the kids go to bed. My personal choice is breakfast and lunch with my wife.

During breakfast, we chat about what TV shows or YouTube videos we each saw the night before. And we sync up on our tasks for the day.

Then we would chat some more during lunch. Like what’s new from our friends and families. Or any funny story from work.

And there is one more thing.

When I go out with my own friends, I usually try to bring dessert home. I know some would think this is too “sweet” to do.

But to tell you the truth, I don’t consider it to be a romantic gesture. I see it more like a way to keep the connection — or fire, whatever you call it — going for the long term.

You may be thinking: this works well in sunny-day scenarios, but what about during a quarrel or fight?

Winning is losing

In any long-term relationship, disagreements or even conflicts are inevitable.

The best way to handle them is not to win in every fight. It is to understand what the argument is really about.

I wish I could tell you I know all this right off the bat. But I didn’t.

During the first few years of my marriage, I thought logic and reasoning alone would be enough to resolve any conflicts. Then, soon after, I realized I couldn’t be more wrong.

I might be “winning” every fight on the surface. But what I was doing was to kick the can down the road — postponing the real problem.

What I should have done instead was to understand the root cause of the argument. The skills that I truly needed were active listening and candid communication.

But here comes the hard part.

How do you talk to another person in the middle of a fight, while keeping both your emotions and theirs down?

My answer is emotional observation and nonviolent communication.

It involves separating myself from my own emotions. And how to speak without triggering theirs.

Even though I’m still mastering these skills, I’ve already seen the benefits after a few years of practice.

Playing same side

I am not a psychologist or marriage counselor.

But I have been married long enough — in fact, more than 25 years — to know marriage needs ongoing care. It needs time and effort, sometimes even sacrifice, to keep it going.

Like any long-term relationship, the journey will have its ups and downs. And it is not always easy.

However, much like playing doubles in tennis, you and your partner are on the same team.

No matter what issue or conflict arises on the other side. You wouldn’t ignore or disconnect from your teammate. And certainly you wouldn’t want your teammate to lose.

Because in the end, you two are always on the same side.