Melania — The Movie Nobody Wants to See and Rightly So

Local distributor concluded this Flopaganda too traumatic for South African eyes

Boy, did they get that wrong! (Screengrab from Jimmy Kimmel Live courtesy YouTube

I wouldn’t pay to go see it if you paid me a million dollars.

On second thoughts, considering what that would buy me in local currency — a house, a car, overseas trips, though not to the US under the present regime, dental work, creeping cataracts lasered away so I could live to see many more happy days, and plenty cash left over for philanthropy.

The word philanthropy doesn’t exist in the vocabulary of sycophantic billionaires like Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, who’d rather spend $75-million to produce and promote a documentary which defies description plus a further $28-million to FLOTUS for acting in it, if you can call that flat accented voice and robotic movements acting, than save the jobs of 16.000 employees or improve their working conditions.

Well, you can’t call Melania’s role acting because she’s the real deal. Not playing a part, but being her normal boring, bland, vacuous, cold, narcissistic self, who spends her time climbing into and out of cars and planes, curating crockery, furniture and fashion while smiling at the cameras like a mechanical model, and a megaton of other boring stuff.

My value system says I’d rather stay poor than endure such torture for a million dollars.

(BTW, although we blame POTUS for all that gold guilt, sorry, gilt, maybe it’s her influence driving the dreadful décor everywhere. Nah, she’s not an influencer. Kim Kardashian wins hands down on glib glamour and artificial sincerity.)

Look, I didn’t have to watch — I couldn’t anyway because South Africa didn’t screen it. Despite that, I was curious to read the opinions of critics — those whose careers include having to write film reviews, even when they know in advance it’ll be serious slop.

I waded through YouTube to find feedback and commentary from those not suffering from Magalomania. In other words, honest, sane, emotionally intelligent and compassionate folks like you and I who apparently suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome. Good on yer, as the Aussies would say!

Here’s what I found. (FYI, I rarely log in to X, Facebook, Tik-Tok or Instagram — social media isn’t my thing.)

For the sake of our sanity, and because laughter is the best cure for stress, I’ve only included the funny comments. No disrespect to US citizens who are struggling to pay for groceries and healthcare. We hear you; we see you.

But let’s engage our funny bones and marvel at the human spirit:

“Not since The Terminator has there been this much excitement for a movie about a European cyborg.” — Jimmy Kimmel.

I couldn’t resist including this clip from the same Jimmy Kimmel Live show. Sorry I can’t stop it looping!

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Other commentary that’ll get you giggling:

“Aussie here. We sold 7 tickets in total to Melanoma’s doco. One person bought it as a joke auction for charity, another to publicly burn it, another took his metal detector to the theatre to search for audience members and couldn’t find one, and not sure about the other four. Trump then posted that Australians are nasty.”

“Most expensive movie ever made about an illegal immigrant.”

“I got pulled over for speeding last night. The police officer gave me a ticket to Melania.”

“I left my 2 tickets on the front seat of my car…….when I returned, the window was smashed and there were 2 more tickets.”

“I haven’t even seen it and I want my money back.”

“This movie should be considered a violent crime and ICE should deport her.”

“Film is up for a FIFA Academy Award.”

“I heard someone say ‘Even if it was shown on a plane, I’d walk out’.”

“They showed it at a prison. The inmates sued for cruel and unusual punishment.”

“If it was shown on my TV I would consider it a home invasion.”

Now you’ve finished laughing, music is another way to lift our hearts and souls in friendship — and forget about that monstrous movie and the abominable happenings in the US.

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Thank you for being here.

Remember, we’ve got each other’s backs!