Leadership is Not for Everyone; It can Break You.

On February 2025, I ran for Student Council President.

It was not for popularity, nor for extracurricular points, but mainly because I can see a vision of what my ideas can bring to the school that I’ve considered my second home for 14 years. And I see no one but myself in that position. How selfish I truly am.

I once thought that the experience would be just like the past experiences I had in my last year of Junior High School. I had this feeling that I am mentally and physically prepared to do it based on my experience of juggling 5 different leadership roles in 10th grade: President of the Anti-Smoking Student Advocates’ Council, Editor-in-Chief of the English Campus Press, Chairwoman of the Cadet Planning Board, Provincial Vice Governor, and the Head of the Discipline Committee. All of this was done while I worked on a 1-year community project for GSP. Honestly, I remember nothing but the good times I had playing Roblox with my classmates in that grade level which gave me the confidence that accepting this new leadership role would just be easy.

However, it wasn’t. I didn’t knew that my last year in Highschool would be the worst year for my mental health. I have completely underestimated the role.

For 11 consecutive months, I have been busy. There was not a single time where I have found something fun. I gradually stopped playing online games, lost interest in all other things, and focused entirely on my academics and on my duties as president. I skipped recess and lunch to go to the office at those periods to work or to stay in my classroom and study. The academic workload in senior year was heavy, and so was the responsibility of serving a student body consisting of 1,000+ students.

It is difficult for someone who is sensitive as me to be faced with endless criticism which are both constructive and harsh. It felt like the whole school was against me, like as if I shouldn’t have run for president.

The faculty isn’t helpful either as they love to gossip and meddle into a supposed random issue that I was apart of but doesn’t go against the student handbook. (I was only having fun with my classmates, and other classes are doing the same, even previous ones–even advisers of other sections support it–so what was so wrong about me joining in the fun?)

The moderator isn’t helpful either since he loves to start beefs with people, mainly the student council, whom he was supposed to manage. He lets his emotions overcome his professionalism instead of actually mediating heated or challenging situations. What’s worse is the obvious favoritism towards those that like him (not sure if they genuinely do, or if they do that just to get to his good side).

And of course, the student body. The one I’m supposed to serve. Throughout my term, I felt like a mother caring for rebellious children that has no respect. There were multiple times where I or my friends happen to hear gossip amongst the juniors or seniors of their raw and unfiltered perspectives on the student council.

Of course, anything revolving around the student council deeply affects me because I’m the face of it all.

I had no one to vent out my frustrations on but my friend from a different school who has his own problems too which I had to also take into consideration. Hence, it was difficult to share my thoughts on what has been truly happening in my life.

By the end of the year, I have lost 14 kilograms as I battled with purging disorder and body dysmorphia. My upper arms now littered with scars from self-harm. My twitter account crowded with nothing but suicidal vents and rants towards people.

The pressure is real. The expectations from the faculty, moderator, student body, and my fellow members is beyond high. I had to act like a different person for the whole academic year. I slowly began to lose touch of myself.

The person 2 years ago would never expect the current me to do something so dehumanizing to myself. I am aware of the reputation of “self-harm” way back when I was a child and I promised I’d never do that. But the pressure and expectations from the toxic environment I was in pushed me to commit to self-punishment as a way to get rid of the negative feedback plaguing my mind. I believed that if I hurt myself, it’d serve as punishment and my “sins” would be forgiven.

Finally, the cherry on top, the graduation which comes with its own bad happenings too. My grade was “miscomputed” and I didn’t get any part for the graduation ceremony. During the graduation rehearsals, the lead teacher was announcing the people who will have a part on stage. These people are usually the top 6 students of our batch. I remember my seatmate that time mumbling my name in the midst of the calling, expecting my name to be announced, but it wasn’t. On the day of the graduation too, my dad asked me if I had any part on stage and I briefly told him no. That has left me so sour throughout the entire program that I wanted to just leave the campus immediately. As someone who have been consistently achieving with high honors since 7th grade, and someone who have had a speaking part on stage in 10th grade, it felt so humiliating.

But hey, at least I kind of had an aura moment there when I had to stay on stage for additional trophies that I received from this leadership program I represented my school for.

Speaking of this leadership program, a month later, I had to go to school for an additional awarding ceremony for the said program. I happen to encounter my moderator and that was when I was told that he has noticed me being distant because of the fact that my grade has been miscomputed–WHAT?!

I was flabbergasted. Afterwards, I went to the registrar to receive my certificate of ranking. I was actually Rank 4 in my batch, which means I should’ve had a part on stage. How could they not have noticed that a student with honors only (no shade, btw, she’s an amazing person regardless, and I’ve looked up to her in elementary), was one of the top 6 amongst others who are with high honors on stage? How did they not found out immediately?

What’s worse is that 2 weeks prior to the graduation where we had continuous practices, the lead teacher asked me, “Do you have a part for the graduation?” to which I replied with a no and a polite smile. She said nothing in return and kept that smile on her face.

I know for sure that none of it was a mistake because how could they be so clueless? My parents even find it ridiculous and dumb of them to not found out sooner.

Fortunately, by the time I knew about that, I was in the middle of my healing journey. Ever since I graduated high school, I began to delve myself into things I love: lawn tennis, running, journaling, programming, drawing, reading fiction, and yoga. I even got a physical therapy for my scoliosis which has definitely removed my neck hump and improved my posture. My mindset began to change for the better ever since I distanced myself from the people I know at school (except for my close friends).

I left groupchats, ghosted a bunch, deactivated my accounts, listened to high frequency music, go on runs, meditate, and immersed myself in the side of hopecore and positivecore of the internet. I have never harmed myself with the pink cutter I bought from the national bookstore ever since I graduated Highschool.

Although there were times where I had to wear sleeveless and my parents would question me as to where my scars came from, I just tell a lil white lie that I scratched it and change the subject. Unfortunately, my body dysmorphia and purging disorder still didn’t leave my life yet. Other than that, life has slowly been getting better.

Moral of the story: Life will get better soon.

As good things come to an end, so does the bad things. I’m glad I chose to stay alive until this day because I can finally envision a bright future ahead of me.

Another lesson learned: Student leadership is not for the faint of heart nor for the sensitive people. I also do think that mindset is very important. If you wanna take on challenging roles, have an optimistic and hard-to-break mindset first. Because for me, I entered this role as someone who is pessimistic and self-conscious.

Also, fix yourself first before you fix other people. This doesn’t only apply to relationships but also to the organizations or work that you wish to commit to. If you believe you have the capability, the mindset, and the passion, then do it.

I do hope this reaches the right audience and not my parents nor the people I have mentioned in this article.