Fraught Frameworks

For many years in the last two decades I have maintained a safe distance from moving images. Faced with some health challenges, I had many moving images to contend with in my inner world. It took the deafening silence of lockdowns for me to gingerly sign up on an OTT platform. I slowly allowed myself glimpses of films and series that people around me were talking about and enjoying.

This experience was different from the numerous films my mother took me as a young girl to watch in theatres. Those acts of watching films left me with a lot of work to do. I remember having to taste a gamut of emotions. They were like the many different tonics my paediatrician prescribed — some pleasant, some unremarkable, and some downright poisonous ! You just had to digest them and then learn to process the emotions that ensued. And the emotions I could not process were safely preserved to contend with as an adult !

Of course it wasn’t easy to choose OTT films but over a few months I settled on two series that felt like dresses perfectly tailored for me. I could easily relate to the relationships portrayed and become one of the characters. I suppose this is the stuff of ‘time pass’. I had picked stories and scripts that matched my mental and emotional projections. I had tapped into the powers of media on demand to surround myself with more of myself !

I found I was often returning to view certain scenes that had a hold on me in Downton Abbey and The Crown. Somewhere down the line I noticed that I was drawn to these scenes because they reinforced a certain imprint that I had inherited as a young girl. I derived a sense of comfort and security initially. Then slowly the pieces of the puzzle fell out of place..

The character that I was most captivated by in The Crown was Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh in his days of early marriage. There was something egotistical and masculine about him, yet I was captivated by his rawness and meanness, and the ironic control between him and his wife, Queen Elizabeth. I was also drawn to how the Queen was portrayed as a quiet, determined woman who made a choice and did her best, and who cultivated the art of diplomacy and strategy in a non-intellectual manner. I noticed many traces of her behaviour in my conditioning and also in that of my aunt’s — a swift manoeuvrability, quick parsing of people and situations, and creativity and flexibility to achieve one’s goals. This seemed to draw from the ability to see categories in many different ways .. without the iron hold of ideology. A woman in power in a patriarchal setting doesn’t necessarily shift the framework however.

I was haunted by the representation of Prince Philip for a few weeks. My mind rejected everything about him and his masculine control. Yet I felt drawn to something he personified and at times it strangely reminded me of my partner. I could not put this together with who I know my partner to be.. yet I stayed with the image in my mind. I felt that some incongruous quality of my partner was mapping onto the portrayal of Prince Philip on screen. Was he a jerk but a ‘loveable’ one ? A certain abrasion and control that goes hand in hand with patriarchy ? Does love, especially spousal love take a particular form and shade in a patriarchal framework ? Did it reveal a desire in me for the familiar opponent ?

And then another image flashed in my mind — that of a game of badminton I had enjoyed with my partner recently. While I played, for the first time I noticed myself play as I play in life — punchy, and emphatically wanting and aiming to play all the shots. I was amused when I noticed that image of my self ! I had to admit it was an image of an abrasive woman who had to get all the shots right in life! The contrast with my partner was even more amusing — he was in his skin fielding all the shots, and yes getting all the shots but with little effort. I was also struck that besides getting all the shots he was also giving his opponent a good game.

The image of my partner facing me in an enjoyable game stayed with me for a few days. I started to feel more relaxed. There was a part of me that began to think that much of my abrasive interactions with my partner had been a waste of time. My efforts to clean him up, after setting him up were perhaps unfounded. Had my discomfort with my conditioning in a patriarchal setting quietly crafted me into an oppositional being in essence? To exist is to resist and oppose. And had I carried that with me into my marriage without stopping to discern specific moments and situations ? What if I paused my innate opposition? Would I then be able to play with people who are open to playing with me ?