LEAP

LEAP

I need to write. I need to write to calm the chaos in my head. I need to write to articulate the circus of emotions, aspirations, urges, whirling through my mind every minute of every day. I need to write because I can’t say everything out loud. Because there isn’t another person who will listen continuously, on my whim. That person has to be myself. And being alone with all these thoughts is scary.

Why can’t I write just on a blank piece of paper? A paper that no one will see, that will float into the jumble of wood pulp swirling on my counter tops, bottom of my backpack, and random flat drawers with other junk. Why not in a journal in which I write beautifully with a pencil yet scrawly with a pen? A private journal which I ensure no one else will read, no one else will criticize and judge. I choose to write on this platform, technically a completely public medium, yet for all intents and purposes for me, a semi-private platform. Because no one knows I write on here, no one reads my writing on here. However, that knowledge exists that anyone can read and judge and criticize and appreciate and provide beneficial or negative feedback. Its just a matter of someone doing a right search, showing the appropriate interest, or stumbling upon this piece in one of his or her internet rambles into random writings and random peoples. For me, this remote possibility that this will be read motivates me to express and gives me a tiny thrill.

I need to write for my own pleasure, not to be graded and critiqued for my analysis capabilities or my abilities to create convincing argument or an entertaining story. I want to write in a space were I can follow my stream of consciousness, pontificate on anything I have opinions about, and hopefully learn about myself in the process. I need to write for my own mental health. I need to write to increase my writing skills. I need to write because I am fearful of writing, fearful of letting go of the extreme control over my emotions and thoughts.

I hope that writing will make me a better writer, alleviate my fear of writing and expressing myself, and learn about myself in the process. And as I type these words, I am pleased to learn that these black words against the simple white background feels calm yet exciting.

Even though this piece has been two weeks in the making, I wrap this up on the 2nd of the new year, 2019. This is my new year’s resolution: write.