My name is irrelevant and so is my age and location as this will include a lot of personal details…

My name is irrelevant and so is my age and location as this will include a lot of personal details of my life, which nobody really cares anyways. I’m attempting to start a blog, but I’m also having trouble with where I can get traffic for a blog and what all that I’m trying to publish should go in one subject or if I should post two blogs because everybody says you have to have a very clear and precise niche And I am currently going towards a few different angles.

Angle 1: Suicidal Ideation & Awareness

I am writing about constant suicidal ideation Unrelated to depression, mood or other mental illness so that people that don’t suffer from anything like this can understand the people that they care about that do and maybe they can help them not allow their brain to be found fatal but also for the people that do go through this so they know that they’re not alone and even if it Doesn’t get better it gets manageable and maybe they’ll see a good happy ending, but I doubt it but they won’t be alone anymore. They won’t be weird. They won’t be different in the hopes that more people will live.

Angle 2: Documenting My Reality & My Past

I’m also trying to document my terrible terrible luck and All the unbelievable things that end up happening in my daily life because I’m starting into questioning myself since nobody else believes me and I’m tired of gaslighting myself out of my past and my reality and my truth and so this will document what happens as it happens so that way, I can believe myself since nobody else does and maybe it will help them take me seriously.

Also, since my brother died, it’s been a really hard to dictate the truth from the dillousions of my past because nobody ever survived it with me and nobody else remembers. And I realize that I can rewrite my entire story at this point, but I don’t wanna write him out of it and I feel like that would be the only way and I can’t even go a date without grieving him because I don’t want him to disappear so I can’t do that. I am the only one that survived my childhood. That’s a lot to take in now if I say it out loud.

Poetry & My Brother

I also write poetry a lot of it’s about my brother suicide and the fact that my body won’t allow me to do what he did and stay that way because I love where I go when I die. I’ve been dead 40 times but they don’t want me dead. Whoever they is and I’ve stopped making attempts on my life because I don’t wanna traumatize other people with my trauma and every time somebody beside my ex finds me they get a little bit traumatized and they also regret reviving me usually and I’m not trying to make other people burden worse. I’m trying to take a burden of myself off of them so by try that creating trauma I’m doing the opposite of what I’m trying to do with killing my in the first place the reason I’m explaining all this is because I can’t find my place.

Finding the Right Platform

I’ve tried already which I’m still going to remain on Substack but the internet has explained that Substack is more of an endgame for blogs and I’m still at mid to beginning phase. I’m just starting like I don’t even know what I’m putting in it yet but I also read this place is good for getting views which I guess I need because I need the right people to find me.

I don’t write professionally. I don’t write like a magazine article like I know most of you do and I’m sorry for that, but I’m gonna write the way I talk because I want people to hear me the way I would portray it through my writing so I’m going to write the way I speak and I speak like a sailor honestly.

Understanding Myself and My Empathy

I studied psychology to figure my self out, but instead of making myself simple I screwed myself because now I understand other people too well and I can’t stay mad at them even when they do me really fucked up. I’m too much of an empath, but I’m actually the toxic form of a narcissist because I’m an echoist which means I don’t have opinions about myself on my own. I base it off with other people and basically I rely on other people thinking that I am worthy to have self worth and at the moment, I don’t have any people to think I’m worthy so I don’t have any self-worth and that’s been a constant daily struggle in my life very long time and it probably definitely has added to the suicidal ideation because I think that I’m worthless and that everybody wants me dead.

I mentioned that I’ve died over 40 times and only one of those times was actually an accident, but that was my favorite time. It was the first time. I love where I go and I would literally kill to stay there, but nothing will ever let me and it’s like my brother thinks that I’m supposed to be here from some purpose and won’t let me stay. go figure. He never let me have any fun. The first time I died before I knew anything omission was going on with my family. He told me that I had to stay and take care of my dad and now with everything going on with my family. It makes a lot of sense and I’m pretty sure that was a real occurrence like it was actually him because why else would something like a mimic mentioned my dad‘s future with so much accuracy that he would actually need me for help this young. I’m pretty sure because of my dad.

I am struggling also with a family curse that makes us all kill ourselves. I’ll get into that on later articles I guess if y’all even follow people and read all the article they like Blog I’m not sure. I haven’t even checked out the site at all yet. I’m just kind of going for it because I’m ready for this to be out there because I’ve been contemplating the blog for months and talking with people about it and I just have been too scared to actually start and so I’m just jumping in there and starting.

My Dogs and My Housing Situation

I have five dogs and I have been looking for a forever home for all of us since 2021 but I’ve been homeless most of my life since I was 15. At that time I was being molested by my friend‘s dad and my mom was dating him and it just got weird I guess and I was kicked out and I’m not sure if she knew about it but here it is over 15 years later and I’m trying to get a trial for his granddaughter/my stepdaughter who he also did it to eight years ago and he just got tried after trying to leave the country after eight years continuances and only got two years probation which is less than I got for an underage drinking ticket and that pisses me the fuck off and I’m not gonna let it continue. He should be dead and I am totally fine dying for that honestly but I’m hoping that I don’t have to because I don’t want him to end my story like he started it.

I have four dogs and they have two cats and honestly used to having five so it’s a little bit of a adjustment. They are the reason I’m homeless probably as of right now, but also the reason that I wake up every morning because I don’t have many people that care and I really needed a village and I had to make my own. My village is more reliable than your village, but I am on disability because of my heart failure, diabetes, and mental Issues I would be able to get housing if I didn’t have the dogs, but I won’t get rid of them because they wouldn’t do it to me at my worst. We’re a family and then I would be alone.

I think a lot of that also comes from the fact that I lost my daughter because her dad kidnapped her and I followed and went to Texas with them for five years but then my car was stolen and I had to stop working because of my health so I came home to save money for an RV and my brother killed him two weeks later. I can’t have another loss like that I can’t do it. They are the only consistent thing in my life at this point. But really it’s a give and take situation because they’re the reason my life is inconsistent.

The Paranormal and My Purpose

The paranormal is large part of my life and I work as sort of aid link to the other side. I fully believe that’s one of my purposes, which is why I can’t say dead but every time that I die get stronger and I really don’t know that could be a part of the reason my brother‘s dead because he’s part of it too. I usually wouldn’t share that. I never thought I was any kind of special until my daughter voiced a similar belief that me and her inherited something that makes us different. We also never talked about our shared fear or coyotes because of rabies and being scared that was gonna be how the zombie apocalypse happened but we both came to those terms on our own so that’s gotta be reality right?

Current Living Situation

I currently live on the property of a lady that I met on Facebook when she was going through a bad break up with somebody that I considered a friend. I talked her through a lot of the healing process and gave her some truth that she needed to move on and the entire situation has escalated drastically since I’ve been here considering it was six adults now it’s just me with no power no water that I cannot get turned on without paying hefty fines because of problems that were here before me.

That being said my best friend is trying to buy the property so that I never have to be homeless again and so that he has a place to park his machinery for his company. That’ll be fun. I’ve never been home owner and I’ve never had stability so we’ll see what happens with that. Currently it’s possibly being sold for just owed taxes and that’s doable for all of us involved. Not myself of course cause I am on disabilities. I can’t do much but I can be the property manager and stay here for free. Her mother had died and that’s why she moved to her mother‘s house and I don’t know what’s going on with that anymore honestly don’t but I do know that she found an awesome dude that she wants to do forever with and I’m supportive of that.

But being in the middle of nowhere with no lights and power, we with a fear of the dark and a negative energy on the property it’s kind of scary at night so I end up hanging out with some fucked up people which adds the fact this property has a fucked up name because of the people that lived here before us and the fact that her family used to be bank robbers up and down North Carolina, Virginia, and this property is known for it’s drug seizures and probation violations so much that her daughter couldn’t even come live here in probation because of past problems not anything to do with who. Live here now.

Next Steps with the Blog

They’re going to be a lot of backstory and they’re going to be a lot of confusion with Blog so I need to figure out really like where I’m going with it and if I need to make two or three because my poetry probably isn't very good but I’m trying to get it all out there and get constructive criticism so I don’t know what to do at this point so I’m just doing everything and hoping something works, but it probably won’t because that’s my luck and that’s how my life is and this is probably a waste of time honestly