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The Cactus Monologues

Writing Prompt: cactus

‘Nothing says let’s have sex quite like a cactus. Sweet Sandy and pretty Paula might say they want roses, daffodils or rhododendrons, but the cactus is what she really desires, what she craves, what she needs. The cactus is phallic, the cactus is dangerous, the cactus is durable, the cactus is one big prick!’ Mostly lonely, desperate men whooped and hollered at Rad Martin’s cactus drivel.

‘These guys are weirdos,’ Lisa said to Richie.

‘You’re a woman,’ he said. ‘What do you know about the cactus?’

‘Fuck off,’ Lisa said.

‘Look on the bright side. It beats working security at boxing matches.’

‘That’s easy for you to say. You’re the same species.’

‘Don’t compare me to them. These freaks are still boys.’

‘Every man’s still a boy. You’re all born with a hand on your cock and the other scratching your arse, then you grow taller and hairier.’

Rad Martin undid the top button on his shirt. ‘Society says to give them a nice, pretty rose, but give her the cactus and show her you’re in control! No more living in a gynaecocracy! This world is yours!’

‘What is this moon-unit talking about?’ Lisa said. ‘What woman wants a cactus inside them?’

Rad whipped the curtain from an object on the stage and unveiled a huge phallic cactus. That sent the crowd into hysterics. ‘These guys need to face up to the latency and suck a dick,’ Lisa said. ‘There’s nothing wrong with it.’

‘Cactus, cacti,’ Richie said over and over.

‘Are you broken?’

‘Do you no think it’s weird how cactus is like for one cactus but cacti is for the plural?’

‘Am surrounded by morons,’ Lisa said. ‘I should be out there protesting with the rest of the women or knocking that cactus arsehole out.’

‘Who’s talking out there?’ Rad asked. ‘It’s that a woman’s voice? It’s very distracting.’ The entire hall looked at Richie and Lisa.

‘Fuck this,’ Lisa said, leaving her post and heading for the exit.

‘Another woman in need of the cactus!’ Rad shouted. Lisa turned and thought better of it. ‘She looks better from the back. But that wouldn’t be hard! Just like the cactus when it looks at her face.’ Fuck it, Lisa thought.

Rad felt cactus spines hit his arm and retreated to protect his face. Lisa tried to work around the body and get to it, but she dropped the cactus after a few more wild, brutal swings. Richie didn’t want to cease filming, but he was a reluctant professional and helped stop the assault after Lisa booted Rad up the arse.