87. Wrong Dial

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Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

Before I dive into the horrible feeling I have finished the day with, let me tell you something funny. Today was Wolfy’s birthday, and, like every year, I am not sure why, but this day is very challenging for me.

For some reason or another, by the time Wolfy’s BD comes around, the last of the four in a marathon of birthdays since March, I am literally so spent that I just want it over with. I barely have it in me to do the basics — and truth be told, Wolfy is a controversial person, as any Dog year and Gemini is. So the frictions are inevitable.

So this morning, like any morning really, I woke up to Wolfy and Piggy beating the crap out of each other. I took a deep breath and, trying to put more emphasis on calm leadership, handled the situation with a calm voice — even though it was a long and loud ordeal.

I am properly depressed still, so this morning I brought the heavy guns: English Breakfast tea in the morning for the caffeine boost, light box therapy and a proper meal first thing in the morning.

So there I sit, at the breakfast table, after making toasts and frying bacon (the two most favourite things on Wolfy, per her request), and I am sitting close to Piggy. And she begins. “I saw William in my dreams yesterday,” she says. “He had a lot of medals. I am not sure if he was playing soccer or hockey, but he had a lot of medals. He looked around our house, and he didn’t like it. He said it was too pink, and he left.”

I stopped chewing and stared at her, “He just… left?” — “Well, at first he played with me a little. He got confused. He was trying to get to your dream, but he dialled heart Piggy, heart Piggy, Piggy Piggy heart — and got to me. We had fun.” I sit there, face completely serious, but my lips are twitching.

“That is very interesting. And how did he look?” — “He had hair like this, but a mohawk and brown here, and dark brown here,” she is showing me on her head. Not sure why all my kids seem to be in consensus that you have a Mohawk lol.

Anyhow, I thought it was hilarious and wanted to share it with you. And Piggy asked you to dial properly this time, please.

So, how was my day, you ask? Well, it was walking a tight rope between doing just enough and riding the ways and dropping every single other thing that is not essential.

I cleaned my office. Removed a lot of things and utilized the sunroom better. I moved my sewing station from the living room to the office, and the Roman chair we have in the living room is deeper in the corner, so it’s not the first thing you see. I am freeing up space for my son’s punching board (the music thing you use to punch?) for his nerves and muscles.

The big kids then did the lawn. Drago the back, Stallion the front. Now thinking of it, I actually feel a little less bad about the way the evening finished because, recalling all this, I realize I was under a nerve attack of whining, complaining and eroding the whole day. By the time these two were done, I was seeking to hide in my office just to get a break.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a few very good moments too. I made them lunch what Wolfy asked, and by evening, looking at the mountain of dishes, I just couldn’t bring myself to cook again. My hand is shaking as I type this because I feel so damn guilty, but I ordered for the kids. I didn’t order fancy, just some burger junk and made sure I didn’t order for me. But it was still $75, which I should not have spent.

And before you tell me that it was mom guilt and exhaustion, and “once in a while” BS and all that, money is running through my fingers, and I am in pure shit. Sigh. Sorry, the panic swallowed me for a second. How undignified. Focus again, shall we?

We had a nice day for the most part, and I do love the new space and the organization in both the office and the living room. It feels tidier and more spacious. But I still feel horrible. Why?

Well, in the evening we decided on a movie night. In light of my kids’ fascination with the inappropriate and silly, I decided to put Ace Ventura 2. I remembered that I was obsessed with this film when I was about 11, and I just knew that Piggy would love the fact that he was talking from his ass.

It was a grand success. Gross as he is (I hate Mister Bin, too), the film is funny. But then the film was over. It was barely 19:30, and the kids asked for another one. And so I put the first one.

A lot of the films I remember fondly from my childhood are actually horrible. Take Kindergarten Cop. A film I remembered as the funniest and most wholesome. Then I watch it with my kids, and it gives them nightmares, lol, because — think about it — a father kidnaps his own child, hits his mother, and then is shot dead. When you are a kid with a complicated relationship with a dad… that’s not easy on the nerves.

And so, in one of the first scenes, they show the shoes of the police lieutenant, and I knew that she was the culprit. The curse of the writer, right? But I was sitting there, playing sorting sushi games (don’t mock, lol) while the kids giggle and giggle. Until I finally realize that the culprit is a transgender person.

I sit there, paralyzed. On one hand, they are enjoying the film, and I do not want to be one of the parents that hides the screen when uncomfortable truths appear. On the other hand, the memory vividly snaps into focus, and I remember it all seconds before it unravels on the screen:

Ace finds out he kissed a man, and his horrible reaction. The homophobic, disgusting use of that character. The way he humiliates a woman (biological or not) by undressing her in front of god knows how many men just to prove she is the man, and the culprit.

I am sitting there with that feeling of “something is terribly, terribly wrong” in the pit of my stomach, and I cannot stop it. I mean, we had the talk after the film — I apologized, told them where I stand on that and on how many damn levels that whole scene was horribly wrong.

But I feel… dirty. How can I explain to you the flip that happens in your stomach, it’s the children’s stomach, when you are having true fun and suddenly discover a horror like that? The gap between the fun and the laughter, and the affinity the kids developed by this point — after 2 films — to Ace’s character. And then to see him sexually harass a person, stripping them of all dignity like that?

I know you won’t tell me I am making too much of it. I know you understand integrity. And that is why I am telling you. I feel damn dirty. It was the wrong decision, and I won’t repeat it again.

It’s hard, sitting with this feeling at the pit of your stomach still, to remember that it was, indeed, a damn good day. I don’t even want to think about tomorrow.

Good night, my love. All yours, Oxy. June 14, 2026

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?