The worst date

Not the actual rug, but you get the idea.

I shit you not this just happened, I’m sitting on my couch, looking at the rug on the floor between my feet, shaking my head.

When it happened Feb 26 — Written about 5 mins later.

So I met Em on-line on one of those adult shagging sites, she hit me up, said she liked my photo and we started from there.

We chatted via messenger for a while, and then I decided to call. She picked up and said Hello in a very sexy southern European accent.

To cut a long story short, Em has been in Australia for about 15 years, she’s originally from France, usual story is that she was backpacking through Australia, met her husband, fell in love, loved the country and the weather too much, and decided to stay.

She told me she was married for about 12 years, had two kids, the marriage lost its spark, they didn’t have sex for the last couple of years, and they broke up about a year ago.

Em is now going through a divorce and after a year of getting her life back together has decided to play the field.

She was pretty blunt from the start, said she didn’t want a relationship, she had the kids every second week and every other week she just wanted long, hard, no strings attached sex, something her husband had failed to provide.

So we chatted for a while, while she was married and bringing up the kids, she was playing happy housewife for her husband, so I asked what she was doing for a job before she got married

“I was a stripper” No shit! WOW, an ex-French stripper (or is that a French Ex-stripper?? or an ex-stripper from France?)

Anyway, this should be a hot night if I can make it work.

She had a couple of requests, that we meet at a bar beforehand, she said she would know within 5 minutes if we were going to fuck or not (her words not mine) she also said she didn’t like long dates or get to know you chit chat, she just wanted to be fucked long and hard.

She also said she liked it rough and liked being dominated.

So I made some preparations, I decided to go see my doctor and made up a story about a new girlfriend and me not being able to perform in the sack, he gave me a prescription for some magic pills that would keep me hard all night. I thought if she wanted to fuck all night (not really physically possible) I was going to need a little bit of help.

So after a couple of false starts and last minute cancellations, we finally decided to meet after work at a bar near my place at 6pm. I got there bang on time, she texted saying she was 10 minutes late, so I ran to the chemist and got a pack of condoms, after some of the stories that she told me of what she had been up to after her marriage breakdown and her previous career, I was definitely going to wear a condom … or maybe two.

She finally arrives, she is darker than her photos, more Arabic looking rather than southern France, but her body is still pretty tight, wearing a denim dress with no bra.

I imagined she would have been a cute, exotic looking stripper 15–20 years ago. So we grab a drink, have a chat, she tells me she worked all over the world stripping, paying for her travel until she landed in Australia and met her husband, she even gave it a one off go 6 months ago to see if she still had it. We swap a few war stories about sex and dating, I get to the bottom of my drink and think I’m doing ok, I excuse myself and go to the toilet and take my doctor’s little helper.

We chat a bit more, nothing is really happening, I’m not sure if I’m meant to get an instant erection or what, but I’m not feeling anything different down there?

So I decide to pull the trigger, so do you wanna have another drink or leave, she looks at me and says “Lets go”

We go to our respective cars and have a bit of a communication breakdown in directions but we finally make it to my place. She walks in and uses the toilet as soon as she comes out, I push her hard against a wall and stick my tongue down her throat. She doesn’t mind a bit, in fact from the moans coming from her mouth and the grinding of her hips, she really enjoyed my “Shock and Awe” move (trademarked)

We kiss, we bite, we rip off each other’s clothes, more kissing, biting, hair pulling, etc. I’ve got two fingers inside her, she is licking her hands and pulling me off. Now I’m hard, but who wouldn’t be?

This is me being normal, It doesn’t feel like the pill has made any difference at all… but sorry this isn’t a story about erectile dysfunction drugs.

She is completely naked except for her heels, I get her to sit on the far end of the couch and I start my squirting technique (also trademarked) two fingers deep, going hammer and tong.

It doesn’t take long until she gets that look in her eyes like she is going to explode, like her eyes are going to literally going to pop out from her head, finally she squirts, nothing too much just a small cupful on the kitchen floor (its tiled).

She gives me the usual verbal reaction of a girl who is new to squirting, “OMG, what just happened, how did that happen, I’ve never come so fast” Now I know that the first squirt is never the biggest or best as they are usually holding back.

So this time I move her to the middle of the couch, tell her to lean back and spread her legs wide (Hustler photo wide)

I ask if she is ready to do it again, she nods and closes her eyes.

This time I have 3 fingers inside her going up and down like a mini jack hammer, I hear the usual guttural sounds and can feel the fluid building up on my fingers……….. and then it comes out like a scarlet Tsunami, she gushes blood and not just a few drops or cups, this is like a scene from the movie Carrie, it’s up my arm, on her chest , all over the tiles and all over my rug.

Em is just lying there eyes closed in her post orgasmic bliss until I cough and nod to my arm that looks like it’s just helped deliver a baby. I really don’t remember what either of us said, but there were lots of I’m sorry, I’m sorry and fuck fuck fucks.

We grabbed the paper towels and started mopping up the mess the best we could, we soaked all the blood from the floor but we couldn’t get it out of the rug, we both have a quick shower and then lay on the bed to debrief, after a small chat about periods and if it’s her time (its not), I suggest she sees a doctor.

Em then suggests that she leaves, she gets dressed, I walk her to her car and I asked “So do you want to try this again another time”

“Not really, that really killed the mood and things like that don’t randomly happen so I’m taking this as a sign”

I told her I disagreed, but wished her luck and a safe trip home.

Now some notes for the end of this story:

She arrived at the bar at about 6:15pm, I started writing this story at about 8:15pm, that’s how quick the whole thing happened.

No sex happened.

I was hard, but now I’m not and I think after the game of thrones scene I just participated in, there’s not enough doctors helpers in the world to get me hard.

Never heard from her again. Had to throw the rug out.