The Male Loneliness Epidemic Isn’t About Women Leaving Men Behind

Maybe it’s about relationships becoming a choice now rather than a necessity

I read an article today about the male loneliness epidemic.

The author’s argument was blunt, angry. Shouting that women don’t care. In fact, it was suggested that many women are actually enjoying it.

Men are lonely while women are thriving, and that’s exactly how women want things to be.

The more I read, the more uncomfortable it made me. I didn’t agree with it, I didn’t recognise myself or any of the women I know as the women, collectively described in it.

I don’t know any women celebrating male loneliness.

Most of us have fathers, brothers, sons, partners or male friends. Why would we want the men we care about to be struggling?

This article left me thinking, because something has clearly changed.

Male loneliness is discussed more than ever. Marriage rates are falling and relationships seem more fragile, or disposable. People can get divorced online quicker and cheaper than ever before, no face to face meeting even necessary, just fill the form in, pay the fee, and click submit.

The question is why. And the answer is as simple as “women don’t need men anymore”.

Historically, relationships weren’t built entirely on love, many were built on necessity. Men providing the financial security, while women provided domestic support and childcare.

Whether people were deeply fulfilled wasn’t always the priority. Survival was. A woman couldn’t decide that she was simply better off alone. She couldn’t even open a bank account without a man. She couldn’t easily build financial independence, buy property or create a life on her own terms.

Relationships weren’t always chose, they were required a lot of the time.

Today that’s no longer true.

Women can own homes, build careers, earn their own money, travel, raise children and live independently.

And I think that is a wonderful thing.

The impact of this is that it has fundamentally changed the nature of our relationships. They’re now a choice.

A relationship is no longer something that women need in order to survive, it’s something that has to add to their lives.

I think that this is the shift that many people are struggling to understand. When relationships stop being necessary, they have to become valuable.

The question we ask ourselves changes from, “ Can I survive without this person?”, to, “Is my life better because this person is in it?”

Perhaps that’s why the article bothered me so much. Because it assumed women were rejecting men, that they didn’t want men anymore. But what if that’s not happening at all? Women I know, including myself, still want relationships. Isn’t it that we, men and women, simply no longer have to stay in ones that make them unhappy?

I love men and I love being in a relationship. I am independent, self sufficient, confident and provide for myself and I don’t ‘need’ a man for that. That’s different than expressing ‘women don’t want men anymore’.

So then i started to look at the dynamics of my past relationships. They all started brilliantly. Connection, excitement, a bright future together. But, somewhere along the way, a similar pattern emerged.

The things that attracted them to me in the beginning seemed to become the things that they disliked.

My friendship circle was a threat. My independence was a problem. My gym sessions, unnecessary. The qualities they admired when we met somehow became the qualities they wanted less of once we were together.

I repeatedly asked myself, “Was it me?”

Was i doing something wrong? Was I too independent? Too social? Too unwilling to make someone else the absolute centre of my universe.

I always prioritised my partner, but that came alongside prioritising my son, my lifelong friends, my health regime, progression at work and my own well being.

In relationships today, women don’t need to sacrifice themselves to keep one. And that’s where the conversation around male loneliness becomes more complicated for me.

I don’t believe women becoming independent created lonely men. I think society has changed faster than many people realise.

Thinking of this, there is another piece of the puzzle, one that has nothing to do with women at all. Men and women build relationships differently outside of romantic partnerships. Generally speaking, women tend to maintain wider support networks. We talk to friends, we meet for coffee, we share problems and ask for advice. Our friendships become our emotional support systems long before a romantic relationship enters the picture.

Many men don’t seem to do that to the same extent. Not because they’re incapable of it, but because they were never encouraged to. I’ve realised that most of the men in my relationships have relied entirely on me for their emotional support, which i was glad to give. I was their best friend, confidante, therapist, sounding board, their entire emotional world. And while this created incredible intimacy, it also created vulnerability. When the relationship ends, they don’t just lose a partner, they lose their support system, their emotional outlet and closest friendship all at once.

Women experience heartbreak too, but many of us have our friendships and support networks waiting to catch us when we fall.

I ask myself if part of the loneliness epidemic comes from the fact that many men are trying to get all of their emotional needs met through one person. Not intentionally, but due to circumstance. With vulnerability then comes the fear of any possibility of losing that, which is where the dislike of friends, work colleagues and gym sessions suddenly comes from?

Maybe loneliness feels so much sharper when that relationship disappears. I met up with my ex for a chat after our relationship had ended, he had male friends who would take him to the pub after our split, but he told me he hadn’t slept and all he wanted to do when he saw me was sleep. He felt like he could decompress, I was his safe space, I was his whole emotional support system and it upset me that he couldn’t feel that way without me, but I also couldn’t continue to be that for him at the detriment of myself. That would have been an enormous responsibility for any relationship to carry, but it bothered me nonetheless.

I believe the solution isn’t about simply helping men to find partners, but to help men build richer friendships, stronger communities and deeper connections outside of romantic relationships too. These would add to men’s lives, like they do with women’s.

For generations, men have been taught that their value comes largely from being a provider.

But then the world changed, and women gained opportunities, which led to independence, which gave them choice.

Nobody really sat men down and explained that the rules had changed too. Societies views of men remained the stoic protector and provider, and still deemed weakness to show or want emotional support.

Being a provider is still admirable, but it isn’t enough on its own anymore. Just as beauty isn’t enough, or money or status. Modern relationships demand something different. Connection, communication, emotional intelligence, partnership, mutual respect and none of this is because women have become impossible to please, but because people now have the freedom to leave relationships that don’t fulfill them.

Women don’t hate men, they aren’t celebrating men’s struggles, we’re all adapting to a world where relationships are no longer based on dependency. They’re based on choice.

The challenge today isn’t becoming somebody who is needed, it’s becoming somebody who is chosen. And that’s true for all of us regardless of gender.

There is something so beautiful about being loved by someone who could walk away at any moment, but who chooses not to.

They’re not trapped, or have no alternative, they genuinely believe their life is better with you in it.

That’s not a sign that relationships are dying, or that women are rejecting men as a ‘revenge’ and enjoying it. Maybe it’s the first time many of them have ever truly felt that they have the choice.