PLAUSIBLE HUMOR

I’m Hijacking Your Nextdoor Post About Our Neighbor’s Death to Complain About Garbage Cans

Because nothing is sacred online

The most divisive objects in the neighborhood. Photo by Haberdoedas II on Unsplash

Jane O

It is with great sadness that I am here to report that our dear neighbor, Ethel Perkins, passed away peacefully in her sleep last night. Ethel was a pillar of this block and the neighborhood as a whole. Her warmth, generosity, and surprisingly wry sense of humor will never be forgotten.

Her daughter Sarah and I will be organizing Ethel’s memorial, and I will post information about it here once we work out the details.

Rest in peace, Ethel. We will all do our best to carry on your legacy of being a great neighbor and an even better person.

Peter G

OMG I’m so sorry to hear about Ethel! She was such a sweetheart. My kids always begged to go to her house first on Halloween because she would have so much fun guessing (badly) what their costumes were. Plus, she always had the best candy. We will miss the heck out of you, Ethel. 😢

Sandra A

Noooooo! I just saw her last week. I know she was getting up there in years, but this is devastating. The neighborhood won’t be the same without her.

Jackie P

My deepest prayers go out to her family. 🙏

Andrew H

R.I.P. Ethel. What’s going to happen with her cats? 😿

Jane O

Andrew, I believe her son is going to adopt her cats.

Karen V

At least there won’t be garbage and recycling cans out in the street in front of her house ALL THE TIME now.

Sandra A

What the hell, Karen? Show some respect.

Jane O

Karen, I know you and Ethel had your differences, but this is not the time or place to air those grievances.

Roberta S

I’m so sorry to hear this. How old was Ethel?

Peter G

I think she had her 87th birthday this year.

Roberta S

I’m glad she had a nice, long life. And got to enjoy some great years with all those grandkids. And now she’s in heaven with Bob. 😇😇

Karen V

This neighborhood is hard enough to park in without those cans taking up a prime spot.

Jane O

Karen, please stop.

Sandra A

Karen, you do realize you could have just moved her cans up onto her driveway anytime, right?

Karen V

I should not have to do that.

Sandra A

Ethel could barely walk!

Andrew H

Oh please, Karen. You’ve parked in front of my driveway more times than I can remember. Why do you think I started putting those cones out?

Karen V

That wasn’t my car, Andrew. There are plenty of Honda Civics around here.

Andrew H

But how many others have a custom orange paint job and a Yosemite Sam “Back Off!” bumper sticker with him pointing a revolver at you? I also have Ring doorbell footage that shows you getting out of that car after parking there.

Chris D

I don’t live in this neighborhood, but it’s very rude to leave your cans out in the street constantly. R.I.P. Ester, though.

Alex H

Does anyone know if her place is gonna be sold or rented? I’m looking to rent a house in this area. I need something below market value, but I’m very quiet and responsible.

Jackie K

Has anyone else noticed that the new garbage cans don’t hold as much as the old ones? I know the city says they just have different dimensions, but I swear we fill ours up way faster now, and we haven’t changed anything from our end trash-production-wise.

Javier R

Totally, Jackie! I complained to the city, but they just gave me the same answer about dimensions. I demanded a reduced rate but just brushed me off.

Karen V

You can’t prove anything, Andrew. Anyone can just use AI to make a video of anyone doing anything now. I just made one of you taking a crap on my porch. Don’t test me.

Jane O

Karen and Andrew, please refrain from posting anything more that’s not directly related to Ethel’s passing in this thread.

Andrew H

I’m sorry, Jane. You are right. I’ll let it go. But boy is Karen appropriately named.

Karen V

Gee, someone just parked in front of your driveway, Andrew. I have “no” idea what happened to your cones and who it is. But I know they aren’t moving until you apologize to me. As the bumper sticker says, “Back Off!”

Beth T

I had the same reaction to the new garbage cans when they replaced the old ones, but for a week I had one of each kind. The scientist in me decided to experiment. I filled the new one with water and then dumped it into the old one. Turns out they have exactly the same volume. I think the fact that they are thinner and taller means that bulkier trash bags sort of float in there instead of sinking all the way to the bottom. You might need to compact them a little with a rake or shovel when they start to get full.

Jackie K

Thanks a ton, Beth! I thought I was going crazy.

Javier R

I still think the new cans are smaller. The city is always trying to screw us over.

Jane O

Okay, I think it might be time to close this discussion already. I’ll open a new one when I have more information about Ethel’s memorial.

Beth T

Who’s Ethel?

[embed]Hunter S. Thompson, Content Writer, Reviews a Dishwasher When famous writers have to write for penniesmedium.com

[embed]Donald Trump Arguing With a Three-Year-Old: A Transcript A battle of intellectual equalsmedium.com