I’m a Telemarketer on the Edge

Here are some thoughts that enter my head during the day.

Cartoon by Lambert-King

I work for a painting company. I set appointments for potential customers. I hear a number of responses during the course of the day. Most of them are variations of no. Generally speaking, most people are pleasant, though that’s not universally true.

In addition to dealing with the occasional snide remark, I will have other random things to keep me from going crazy.

Here are some samplings of events and thoughts, events, and words that take place during the course of my day.

1: Old songs, particularly old TV theme songs come to mind.

For example, I know all the words to the theme of the Batman tv show. Of course, the lyrics involve one word, “Batman.” I’m not counting na na na na na. Honestly, did somebody get paid to write that? If so, I wish I had that person’s agent.

2: I restored a woman’s hearing today.

A woman was having a hard time hearing me until she asked who I was calling for. When she found out it wasn’t her, her hearing was miraculously restored. Forget Miracle Ear, if you are your loved ones are experiencing hearing issues, contact me and I’ll give you a call. For a small fee.

3: “What did I win?”

This is one of the allegedly witty remarks that came my way. My response was, “A free estimate to paint your house.” After asking that question, the lady declined her prize.

4: “County jail.”

Yet another response i have got in some guy claiming to be an officer at the county jail. An obvious ploy to intimidate me. On one occasion my response was, “I’d like to report some guy impersonating a cop.”

5: “Did I call you?”

This is an obvious attempt to imply that if they wanted to hear from me, they would call. At some point I want to say, “Yes, I how can I help you?’

6: “A cold call is a poor way to start a relationship.’

I’ve got this or a variation of it from macho guys who think cold calling is beneath their dignity. My response was, “I don’t think we are in a relationship.” I’ve been married for 50 years; I’m not looking for that sort of thing.

7: “Where did you get my number?’

The temptation is to say, “Off the wall of the men’s room at the local truck stop.” But think he might think I’m looking for a relationship, and I addressed that in point six.

8: “You have a good day, darling.”

Sometimes some of the women I talk to are polite and conclude our conversation that way. I’m trying to talk my boss into a Dumb and Dumber reward system. You might remember Lloyd and Harry had a suitcase of IOUs which they said were as good as money. In my system, three “darlings” equal a lead, and four “honeys” also equal a lead. Gather enough of those and I get a bonus just like I would for an actual lead. Color my boss skeptical at this point.

9: “I just had my house painted.”

Apparently there has been a painting revolution on the west coast of Florida I have been unaware of. An amazing number of homeowners report having their houses recently painted. And yet I almost never see houses being painted. Apparently, there’s a ninja army of painters operating in this part of Florida.

10: I wish Medium would stop messing with writers pay.

But if they did, I wouldn’t have this constant source of material.

What memorable interactions have you had with telemarketers?

Amazon.com: Trickle Down: A Blue Collar Cartoon Look At Ecomonics eBook : Lambert, Larry, King, Jerry: Books

If you’ve enjoyed what I’ve written, how about buying me some coffee? https://ko-fi.com/larryelambert89220