SURVIVING THE CAPITAL

Capital Confessions — Episode 2

The Geography of Confusion

Welcome to the Capital City

Welcome to my survival notes of living in the capital.

I started by telling you how I escaped the city where nothing seems to happen and found my way to the capital city (Lost in the Capital).

Now let me tell you what really happens in the capital—where things supposedly happen. Today, we’ll talk about their “similar names culture.”

We all talk about how crazy things are in Lagos, but we completely ignore the madness of the capital. I don’t know the geniuses who worked on naming places in this state, but they must not have been the most creative people. Or maybe they thought it would be a funny joke.

Let’s start with the names of places in the capital. We’ve got Jabi and Jahi, Finance and Finance Bridge, Wuse and Wuye, Gwagwa and Gwagwalada, Airport Junction (Jabi by Life Camp) and Airport Road (Lugbe), Dutse and Dutse Alhaji—and let’s not forget Dutse in Wuse.

Then there’s Asokoro and Aso Rock, Galadima and Galadimawa, Katampe in Mpape and Katampe on the Kubwa Expressway, Apo and Aco, Berger in Berger and Berger in Lugbe, Idu and Idoo. At this point, you don’t know whether you’re being given directions or tongue twisters.

And please, don’t even get me started on the Areas in Garki.

Tell me why Area 3 comes immediately after Area 1, and then Area 10 shows up like it missed the numbers meeting. I’m not sure whoever planned that passed basic numbers in maths—but who am I to judge?

The other day I was on my way to Finance. I had asked around days before about how to take rides, the stops to get down at, and the cars I should take next.

Confidently, I pulled up a vehicle, got in, and even haggled the price—even though I had been told the fare was fixed.

Long story short, I ended up at Finance Bridge, which is way further than where I was supposed to be. I missed my appointment, got completely lost, and still refused to book a ride immediately because of my stubbornness.

Mind you, all these places are miles apart.

And don’t even get me started on the cost of transportation. No one prepares you for how much you’ll spend between bus rides and Bolt fares if you miss your way. Sometimes it’s honestly better to just book a Bolt from the start.

You know how the average Nigerian escape plan is to “fly bike”? Well, here you can count the number of places bikes are actually allowed.

But don’t worry, the confusing names are only the warm-up. Next time I’ll introduce you to the hand-sign language Abuja drivers use—because calling out destinations is apparently too mainstream.

Did you know you could leave up to 50 claps per article ?

I’d be expecting those claps as you expect the next article from me.