Ah, Poop

Testing my own is just yucky

Photo by A.Rahmat MN on Unsplash

I’ve started going to the doctor again for annual checkups. I’d neglected these for at least a decade, telling myself that I’m a healthy person, so I don’t need to go.

But then I realized that, even though I’m healthy, routine blood work can pick up signs of trouble pretty early.

All my blood work was normal this year. Nicely middle-of-the-line, which is good.

One of the tests, though, isn’t blood work.

It’s a FIT test (fecal immunochemical test).

I do not like this test.

I have to poop in a container.

Then scrape a sample.

It’s just gross.

After having done this test a few times, I at least have a pattern; I put a disposable container and a couple of pairs of nitrile gloves in the bathroom. I’ve considered putting a mask in the bathroom too.

Because poop smells like, well, poop, and I can’t hold my breath that long.

I don’t know if I’m just tense and so my bowels refuse to empty, or if the mere thought of doing the test makes my bowels freeze, but I know that, eventually, there will be poop on the way, and I don’t want to try to assemble all the stuff while the situation gets more dire with each passing moment.

I also like to get this test out of the way as fast as possible, almost to the point of eating prunes to get things moving along.

I learned the hard way not to eat more than a half a prune a day. Even then, I don’t trust a fart for a while.

Once I have the test done, and I’ve gagged at least once, I get the little tube to the lab as quickly as I can get there.

On the way out, I toss all evidence of the experience into the outside garbage bin.

This whole thing makes me realize that I wouldn’t be a good personal care attendant.

As bad as this test is, though, it’s better than putting a camera up my back door. That’s a more “exit only” kind of area, thank you very much.

So I’m glad that the medical community has created this easier test, but I still dread doing it every year.

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