DooDah Died Yesterday

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DooDah died yesterday. I have been having a really hard time processing it. Everything in the house reminds me of him. His toys all over and the new food dish I had just bought for him. When I picked up his bed this morning, I found socks of mine he had stolen.

Then today I heard a quote. “Learn to love the thing I most wish had not happened.” — Stephen Colbert

I don’t believe the universe sends messages but I do believe there is an energy in all things and that energy seeks balance. My universe feels horribly empty at this moment and maybe the good energy is trying to fill the hole. Bonnie the Buddhist used to remind me that existence means moments of deep suffering. I lost her not long ago and still have a hard time with that. So I have been thinking a lot about what she would say.

Bonnie would make me talk about how I was suffering, how it felt to watch him die. That I couldn’t save him or reduce his suffering. When I had that release she would gently guide the conversation to all the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the moments DooDah and I had together. That for the past month he was loved. That he stopped running from me and would chase me around the yard. All the times he would come and put his head on my lap to get attention. How much he loved daycare and was getting over his fear of people. That he never chewed up my socks, just carried them to his bed and slept with them.

It is a gift to exist. It’s a gift to share our existence with others, even if only for a moment

If I am grateful for my life, then I have to be grateful for all of it. All the moments that bring me bad experiences carry me forward just the same as the good ones. They are all gifts because the good things are things to be treasured and the bad things I can learn from.

And what do I get from losing DooDah? I am reminded of all the other people who suffer loss. Much greater, deeper losses than this. I gain empathy, and that allows me to love them with more depth and understanding than I could have before.

I am reminded that Bonnie would say “We are all just hurt people trying to heal.”