The Secret I Told Her

A quick note before you read: This isn’t a polished article. It’s a page from my heart. I’m opening up my personal journal to share this. It feels a bit scary to be this honest, and I hope it’s not ‘too much,’ but I’m sharing it because I know I’m not the only one who has whispered these kinds of secrets in the dark.

Since I have already shared my grief and the memory of my loss, I now want to share a little bit more — my desperation.

“Please, make me a mother.”

That was my prayer to her, Mama Mary. I remember exactly when it was and where I was standing. I was with my family, surrounded by love and laughter, but I still felt that familiar tug in my soul. I knew something was missing. I’ve always felt that way — like there was a seat at the table that was still empty. I knew exactly what I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t get there on my own. So, I whispered.

Before that moment, I was always anxious. I was scared. I thought I was running out of time to get pregnant — fearful that maybe I was barren. I felt the heavy pressure of the world telling me I needed to have a child. But deep inside, beyond that pressure, I simply wanted to be a mother.

I whispered my plea to the person I always run to when I feel defeated. The mother who watched her own Son suffer, the one who understands that a mother’s love is often tied to a deep pain. I told her my secret hope. I asked her to help me, to make me a mother so I could finally know that special, unconditional bond.

And my prayer was answered. I became a mother. I felt the life, the heartbeat, and the change in my soul.

And yet, I did not get to keep my baby.

Despite the confusion and the overwhelming pain that followed, I found a strange, quiet comfort in the middle of it all: My prayer was answered. I know now that I can get pregnant. I know that I am capable of carrying life.

It was like she was saying: “Yes, my dear, you are not barren. But, it is not the time yet.”

I have to trust that the answer wasn’t a “no,” but a “not yet.” It’s just not the right time for us to be together on this side of heaven.

But I am a mother now, waiting for the day I finally get to look into the eyes of the one who will truly choose me back.