BLOG SATIRE

Farewell, Sweet Follower

A cyberspace Dear John letter

Cyber Toxic. Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash. Edit by Mark Tulin.

Dear Sweet Follower,

I am disappointed our blog relationship has to end on such a sour note. It’s not that you did anything wrong or are a terrible person, but my writing sparks your hostility, & your verse triggers my nausea. You see, we are virtually allergic to each other. Our vulnerabilities collide like antigens with emotions swelling, red, seething & sore.

I hate to block you since I know how it feels, but it’s better than banging heads over some meaningless tripe & feedback better left unsaid.

I wish you happiness & good fortune in all your endeavors, but I don’t want our adversarial voices to interfere with our digestive disorder, or sidetrack us from our illiterate calling.

I bid ye farewell, sweet follower. No longer shall I be your colleague, reading your junk at the kitchen table, on the hopper, or at boring dance recitals.

Go gently into that insomniac night, float incognito in cyberspace & into the artificial landscape of computer technology amidst the viral worms, conflickers & slammers.

Spread yourself among the electrical currents of deleted followers, unprotected by the firewall, stuck in someone else’s cloud, wiped clean of social media handles, claps, & emojis.

No more shall your literary entrails enter my colon & spoil my constitution.

No more shall you rent space in my weary heart & give me angina.

No more shall our comments make us cringe in needless discomfort & cause us to be less genuine.

Goodbye, sweet follower. Bon voyage & a safe journey. May the misery of your writing & the toxicity of mine never knock on our portals again.

© 2025 Mark Tulin

~Many thanks to those readers with a sense of humor.

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