i’ll probably repeat this over and over again

until i’m sick of it and come crawling back to find myself again.

I lost count on how many times I feel scared of not being able to feel — when all my life ‘feeling’ is what mattered the most to me. To feel is the way to enjoy a life. And I do want to make the most out of my life, even if it kills me. Even if it makes me feel guilty for not doing what the ‘system’ told me to do. Even if it makes me feel like I lost myself again. — Because not doing so only made me feel worse.

No matter how people might see me as some overreacting joke,

I need to feel in order to stay alive.

I want to be alive.