Kaaba, The One Where Our Intentions Meets Agape

My First Pilgrimege — The Energy.

This writing is about a second moment between me and the Kaaba, a place where any intention is affirmed.

“Khadija, who’s going to believe me?”, He asked, 1400 years ago

It was after Isya when I decided to do tawaf by myself.

I always remember one renowned sentence from Paulo Coelho in ‘The Alchemist’,

“When you want something, all the entire universe is conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

In Mecca, the magical city where your aims will be answered in an instant, the quote echoes more.

People comes with their intention, and it unfolds into reality. That is why I was very cautious with what I intended, and tried my best to keep them pure. Unrelated, but somehow, my intention was never grand.

I did not dreamed of kissing hajar aswad, nor any part of Kabba. I only wished to touch any part of it — just once — and to “feel” whatever it holds.

And that was exactly what I received.

How it All Started (and might never end)

in order to do tawaf, I was going to circumambulating the Kaaba for seven times.

I tried to get closer to the Kaaba several times. My first attempt was during the third circumambulation. But I got scared. I could not endure the crowd. In my head, if I had already felt nauseous after only three rotations, I doubted that I could complete the remaining four. After all, I was alone. Even though I know Allah is always with me, putting myself in danger should never be part of the plan.

After the fifth rotation, I tried again. Simple math, I thought I could push through two more circumambulating, if the effort left me drained.

In the center of the crowd, a sea of people much taller than me, I understood that it would be difficult to find my own flow, rather than following the existing one. So there I was, entering the flow of people, allowing myself to be carried by the flow that brought me closer to the Kaaba.

Frail, among the crowd (the photo was taken with my hand raised as high as I could)

I did..nothing. The stream around me was brutal, pushing my small body in every direction. Yet somehow, I stayed in place. Stayed in the flow. I chose patience, knowing that resistance could put me in danger. Funny how sometimes in life, Funny how sometimes in life, staying still is the best strategy you can adopt.

I kept following the flow until there was only one line of people in front of me. And a moment later, nothing stood between me and it. Nothing between me and the sacred place toward which Muslims all over the world turn their faces in prayer.

The center of the universe. Not only the earth, but the entire universe, where even the seven skies also find their center.

I placed one hand on it, and I could barely sense the energy, very subtle.

So I placed my other hand, and closed my eyes.

This time, the energy overflowed through my whole body, and beyond.

Somehow I found the strength to hold myself against the pressure of people behind me, even as they pushed forward. I did not understand where that strength came from. I only knew that it was still my time.

It was still my moment with it.

In my vision, I saw a ripple of beam flowing toward me, filling my chest, spreading into every cell of my body.

I could hear nothing.

In that moment, the world fell into silence.

It felt as though I could conquer the world. Funny because, at that moment, the world also feels does not matter anymore.

I will be just fine, but not in a way that came from ego. Rather, a quiet certainty. A knowing that Allah is always within me.

I felt agape. A love that consumes, a love that completes.

And that was the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced. In that moment, I knew I would long to return to that kind of serenity, again and again.

May Allah allow us.

But maybe next time, when Allah allow me, I will leave my specs and wear a pin-less hijab. Because I left with a crooked specs, and a small tear in my hijab as a witness of that opportunity’s intensity.

Alhamdulillah.

M, February 2025